I’d like to take you along with me as I integrate a recent psilocybin experience I shared with a group of dear ones. With the help of an 8-step integration process called The Great Remembering, I’ll share, in the next weeks, what’s coming up for me. My account is not a scholarly piece, so please hold it gently. I do not claim to be right.
What did I see, feel or experience? After any initiatory process, we have a natural, healthy urge to tell others what happened to us. Here is my story.
We chose March 21, the Spring Equinox to gather in ceremony. Now, almost 4 months later, I can recount the event, and begin to see the medicine it carries, not only as a reflection of the event itself, but for the way it mirrors so many important aspects of my life that I have been noticing and wanting to change in myself.
I agreed to do psilocybin in a circle after a few false starts. I received the invitation from two individuals who have experience and sanction from the Native American Church to dispense various traditional medicines. I have been cultivating friendship with these dear ones over the course of over a year, as we meet weekly for coffee. Incidentally, this coffee group is evidence of my readiness for positive social interactions, though it is quite new for me. Fridays at Dunn Brothers has become probably one of the best group experiences of my life so far. I remember observing aloud, without fear of judgment (after attending for about 6 months) that the feeling was akin to what I’d imagine it would have been like to go to Kindergarten and be included among the kids who were just naturally playful, unencumbered, inquisitive, warm, and genuinely themselves.
The ceremony itself took place in a forested area before the trees had enough foliage to shade us or offer protection from the sun, so we were dealing with sunny, high 80-degree weather at the beginning of the ceremony. The sun quickly descended and before the medicine wore off, there was a need to make adjustments in clothing in order to feel comfortable. This probably accounts for a premature shift back into “normal” consciousness, as I needed to focus my attention in order to access a blanket, jacket, socks.
The “fireworks” and the literal chemical journey were not so novel as to seem transformative visually or kinesthetically. I had chosen a space that had the shade of a couple cedars, away from the physical ceremonial circle. Thinking about journeying with others was not appealing to me, and I had chosen to be alone, with nature. At some point, I had to make my way back to the circle, with some dread, with all my belongings, since dusk was approaching, and I didn’t want to lose my possessions or have to go back into the woods to retrieve them after everything was dark.
Once I made it back to the circle, I was gently welcomed. Each of the journeyers were in their own process of making their way back to post experience awareness. I took some time to remember who was in the circle, and the safety I felt with them, feeling the space that my friends held and the fire that was built soon afterwards, which somehow invited me to use my embodied voice. In the circle, I took every turn I was offered, and asked permission to speak again. I noticed discomfort and at first judged it as inappropriate, as this was a safe group of friends, and judgment, dislike and anything negative did not seem appropriate. Eventually, I was able to accept that this was happening, and spoke gently of noticing and of releasing what I affectionately referred to as “ick.” An ick which was very obviously a heavy residue of negativity that I had inadvertently received from my ancestors and my lineage about men. I physically released these things into the fire. Others in the circle followed by releasing other things into the fire, including what felt to me like masculine anger. This nudged me, once again, to use my embodied voice and release the shame about being angry, the shame about being a man [that I’ve unknowingly carried for all of men and all of humanity]. And the pain I have carried and the self abandonment I’ve engaged in so as to protect men from pain.
In the ceremonial circle, once I found my way there, I allowed myself to feel and name the judgment, distaste, dislike, shock, disgust, revulsion. I allowed myself to name the censorship I was experiencing, the reticence against having or naming or sharing any of these feelings. In speaking in the circle and making offerings of tobacco and lavender to the fire, my revulsion and walls softened and my projections could be seen more clearly and I no longer felt so threatened by the placeholder (I bow to you, Dick) for my ire toward the masculine. Ceremony came to its natural completion and I allowed Dick to help me to my car and make my way home.
In the days that followed, I allowed myself to feel the profundity of what had happened and I felt driven to speak in depth with each of the other journeyers. Part of this processing revealed an ease with men in the larger world, and even seemed to prompt a set of synchronistic opportunities to interact with several men in social settings that I would not have imagined myself doing before. Though it was never my conscious intention, I had somehow built a life for myself that included only women friendships.
What seems to endure, after my psilocybin journey, is an opening to the possibility that I can enjoy friendship with men, ease with and interest in interactions and friendships with other men and an allowing in of men in my life. I continue to track and understand the trance I was under due to the lineage I carried along with my father’s shame and unprocessed trauma and grief. Somehow ceremony has helped me to unload that – with the help of the medicine, a group of trusted friends, an early spring forest, tobacco and lavender – in the ceremonial fire.
Our group chose to share in a somewhat structured integration process, and purchased a very reasonably priced guide created by June Cohen, which you can find at FINDTHESTILLPOINT.COM. It’s called, aptly, The Great Remembering.
Over time it has become increasingly evident that prayer is the single most powerful tool in my toolbox. For me, there are three aspects to prayer: Gratitude, Asking, and Humility.
You might not think of the first, initially. So let’s look at GRATITUDE. I see gratitude as letting the powers – whatever they are – know that I have noticed and received the abundant gifts all around me. I accept! I delight in them; I take them in. I receive them; they are for me. I feel loved and grateful. I notice all manner of things, large and small, obvious and subtle; straightforward and quirky. These gifts are here, whether I notice them or not. I attribute them to a benevolent force more powerful than me. I let my thank yous flow free and abundant.
The second aspect of prayer is ASKING for what I want more of. Something that is not as easy as it sounds for many of us. Reaching for what our hearts desired was often shamed out of us as children, and it was not in our repertoire to believe that we were worthy of asking God for what we wanted. Therefore, we unlearned to naturally reach for what we wanted or put importance on developing a regular or clear sense of what we liked or preferred. Rather we learned to hope that if we were good enough (not greedy or selfish), God would reward us with all He thought we needed and that was the correct and proper way of it. Nor were we encouraged to know ourselves; to understand what made us uniquely ourselves, and what made our unique hearts sing (beyond merely getting by). This is what we saw our parents doing too. I sometimes attribute this trait to my Puritan ancestors. Make no mistake, it is not normal or healthy; it is a form of intergenerational trauma. But I digress.
I now understand that for so many years my body was too bound up in defenses and unprocessed emotions to ask for what I wanted. And there was the issue of the missing skill set. That is what I am working on now. And I am making beautiful strides. This crucial step in growing one’s self up emotionally involves studying oneself and noticing when they like something. A smile creeps over your face. You feel lighter. You sense that your heart has been flung open. Or there might be a subtle putting down of defenses, a relaxing. A nod. And then taking that one step further, taking the risk to admit, I want more of that, please. Can you help me? For me, that is the third aspect of prayer: HUMILITY.
As I dedicate these days to studying myself, caring for myself and slowing way down in the heart of this God-Only-Knows-What-To-Call-It-Time, I think of The Serenity Prayer, which tells us to ask for the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference. This is such an important prayer to be praying at this time. Being confused about what we do and don’t have control of is something that might also have followed us from emotionally impoverished childhoods. It was developmentally appropriate at age seven to believe we had control of things we absolutely did not. Many of us learned that we should try to control things we had no business controlling – other people’s moods, feelings, opinions of us. And without proper role models or any other way to recognize these errors, we entered into adulthood with the toxic combination of unexamined shame and unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others: I am responsible for the bad things that are happening. I am responsible for your bad mood, etc. I should be doing something to fix this. And if I try harder to be what you need me to be, then I might be able to get what I so desperately need.
Wisdom often comes with maturity which comes not just from getting older, but from resolving trauma and releasing hurt from the past. It is what helps us know whether we should accept a thing or fight to change it. And whether it is ours to change.
My wish for you is that you learn to cultivate a prayer practice beginning with gratitude. Pray. Ask for what you want, even if you’re not sure what to ask for. Even when you can’t see how your heart’s desires could possibly be granted. Spend time thinking about what you would rather have. What you want more of, what would truly delight you. Go ahead. Make it detailed, and imagine what it feels, looks, tastes, smells and sounds like when you actually have what you have asked for. Write those things down because they matter.
You are an infinite being of light; one cell in the organism of humanity. And that organism needs you and me to be fully who we are. It needs for us to choose for ourselves what we want. To reach for what makes us shine, what delights us, to bud and blossom into all of who we are, which necessitates kicking into self-care mode, fearless self-attunement. I do this now in order to coax out what I had deemed as my shadow before, but which is actually my Great Self.
Spirit, please let this time be the container I need to study, to know and to nurture my Great Self. Help me to appreciate and cherish Her. Help me to value Her above all else. Guide me so that I can be the person I came here to be, to contribute what the world needs most from me and can only get from me. Guide me so that I can find my way to my tribe, to feel that I belong. To share physical warmth, harmony and deep connection in a supportive family environment, to be part of a whole – a thing of great functional beauty. This family community is the one that gets to usher in a new version of modern life. A more sustainable one, connected to heart and filled with physical and emotional warmth, balance and beauty. Thank you, and so it is. Amen.
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Thank you, Spirit, for putting me in a family of visionaries and healers. Three of the healers and visionaries who continue to inspire me, who never cease to amaze me with the way they use their gifts and talents to make the world a better place, and serve as role models for me, also happen to be my biological sisters. If you don’t already know them, allow me to introduce them to you:
Tracy Barnett inspires me endlessly in her tireless ability to see the bigger picture, to be an advocate for the planet, and for people who are on the front lines making strides toward not just environmental and economic sustainability but regenerative living. She has helped me to add flesh to the bones of my vision of what that kind of life might look and feel like, and that is such a priceless gift. She supports so many in telling their stories that would otherwise go untold. With her magnificent heart and her journalistic spirit, she shows us the world, and introduces us to change makers and wisdom holders. I hope you will check out her Patreon and learn more about Tracy at Esperanza Project. She also studies Aztec Astrology, is part of an Aztec Danza Community in Guadalajara Mexico, and conducts bimonthly interviews for Mundo Holistiko TV on Tuesdays. Watch her Facebook page for alerts.
Tami Brunk Tami’s knowledge of astrology, ancient myths and symbols, dreams, and all the wild things that connect us to and on the planet never fails to knock my socks off. You can follow her astrology oracles on her YouTube channel here or learn more about her work and sign up for her newsletter here. Her Substack will be live later this summer, enroll now here.
She is currently in the process of moving to Substack but hasn’t activated it yet. Stay tuned!
And last, but certainly not least: Trina Brunk has been one of those people who leads by example in her dedication to working on her mental and spiritual well-being, and from this example I have benefited tremendously. Also leading in music, she has branched out into new forms of connecting, and fostering positive change in her community and the world. Affecting change is one of those topics that can get tricky fast, and that’s why it thrills me no end that she is aware of the importance of bringing presence and embodiment to activism.
All of Trina’s albums contain nuggets of wisdom that calm the mind and soothe the soul. But for these times, I especially recommend her latest one, Stop, Drop and Feel, which is what we all need to do when we notice that our systems are in overdrive, and we need to downregulate. These days, Trina refers to herself as “a weaver of songs and other natural fibers.” Her current teacher and muse is the dandelion. You can often find her singing in her garden or with her beloved community for love, justice and positive social change. Check out her new album on Bandcamp here, and here on Insight Timer.
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I have immeasurable gratitude for these three during this time of great transformation and change. If you need inspiration or support on your journey of learning to better care for yourself and/or create a better future for yourself and the planet, I encourage you to check out their offerings for a deeper, richer, more connected reality for yourself and those in your circle.
The question is, are we victims of our body, or are we just having unrealistic expectations of it? Are we doomed with the body’s curse or can we begin to see that there are little things we can do over time to help the nervous system understand that we are actually relatively safe?
I’ve been wanting to write about this for a while. I’m cold in the house because I haven’t turned the thermostat up yet this morning, and I like it to be cold while I’m sleeping. I’m half packed and getting ready to leave for my mom’s for a few days. My body feels contracted and I’m shivering a little, which also could be excitement because right after my client this morning, I’ll finish loading my car and head for Mom’s. But I’m also excited because on the way, I’m stopping at the music store to buy some manuscript paper. The guy at the store told me it was half price when he mentioned it. I didn’t see it, but he said it was big, because it’s designed to contain the entire score for a whole group – with all the parts – which is actually something I want.
But back to my epiphany. I’m still kind of trembly, and uncomfortably cold, but I don’t want to turn the heater on. I’ll be gone soon. So I put a fuzzy scarf on, I find a comfy place to sit, and I put a soft, warm blanket in my lap. I feel that this calms my body a little, as does putting down my thoughts on paper (This is just too big an idea to carry alone). Here goes: I read the other day that the vagal brake is needed to calm the heart muscle because otherwise it would beat unsustainably fast. I bet that’s a theme that covers many of our organs and systems. It makes me think of the harrowing and novel experience of coming through the birth canal after having spent more or less nine months in the utterly soft and warm environment of the womb. The infant needs help not just in being received, and being clothed and fed. It needs help physically, to acclimate to being a soul in a body. I’m thinking about how mother mammals lick their young and how baby kittens when taken from their mothers too soon can neurotically lick holes in blankets, for example. I even think about mothers licking their babies when they have shit and other nasty things in their fur. This is not just about cleanliness. Our nervous systems need this kind of stimulation to promote normal development; humans are no different. I catch my mind wandering to the sterile, cold disposable wipe that is considered normal to use on a baby’s bottom at a diaper change. And then, by contrast, my mother’s request for a warm wet washcloth that I would go fetch her to clean up, while she attended the baby that had a soiled diaper. And I’m seriously thinking about the difference this has got to make (among countless others) in the experience of an infant human.
This terminology can be a little tricky, so don’t worry if you need to read it a couple times to get it, but Parasympathetic Nervous System Braking is just ‘when your body is in “rest-and-digest” mode, actively calming the stress response (sympathetic system) by slowing your heart rate, lowering blood pressure, deepening breathing, increasing digestion, and promoting relaxation for healing and energy conservation.’
‘The PNS Brake is a crucial “off” switch, signaling safety and recovery after a threat has passed, shifting focus from survival to restoration and well-being.’ – Google AI
All of this to say, that while we are learning to parent ourselves well, we might benefit from knowing that our bodies are kind of geared to be in fight or flight for so many reasons. And if we don’t build in ways of calming ourselves regularly, if we don’t schedule relaxing and calming activities, if we don’t gentle our bodies, we continue to clip along at a rate that we weren’t designed to stay in. And that’s hard on the body. Without the regular return to ‘rest and digest,’ our systems will become stressed, depleted and burdened by toxins, and we will be susceptible to all kinds of things we don’t like (autoimmune disorders, chronic fatigue, high blood pressure, heart disease, arthritis, etc.).
Sometimes our bodies need help of a different kind in order to shift out of fight or flight. This could be especially so if rest just seems totally wrong. We can learn, through trial and error, what the body needs. In such cases, you might need to shake, stomp, punch, run, kick, roar.
Learning to care for the body isn’t a luxury. It’s what we’ve needed from the very beginning. And even though we may have had parents who didn’t know how to help us downregulate at bedtime, or after a meltdown, it’s never too late to tune in now. It may take a while, but over time you can do it. Build a lifestyle for yourself that helps your body actually know it’s important to rest, relax and repair. If you don’t, at some point, you won’t have the choice. And that’s not for the body’s lack of trying.
The question is, are we victims of our body, or are we just having unrealistic expectations of it? Are we doomed with the body’s curse or can we begin to see that there are little things we can do over time to help the nervous system understand that we are actually relatively safe? I have it on good authority that those things are actually kind of nice, and make life deeper, more connected, more fulfilling. How this has escaped modern society is beyond me. But, people, rest is appropriate. It really is. Idleness is a necessary part of being human. Play is called for. Long and luxurious sexual encounters with a beloved rejuvenate and restore. Holding a baby calms you. Having unstructured and non-productive time is essential to a sustainable lifelong routine. Creativity for the sake of expression can reset the nervous system. The body is actually not asking too much. It’s just asking us to understand that we don’t actually benefit from staying in fight or flight – sympathetic (SNS) mode. Our vagal brake engages when we are safe enough and when we do what is necessary to signal to the body that it can actually slow down now. The danger has passed. We made it. We actually survived ALL OF THAT, and lived to tell about it. That was intense, wasn’t it? But here we are.
As I move through my day today, I have a new appreciation for the things I’m learning from my clients, as they all have ideas and experiences about what works to help them calm themselves and what doesn’t. The biggest barrier, it seems to me, is the fact that our culture (including our medical system), has kind of missed the boat on this. So we individuals, one unit at a time, out of necessity, get to figure this out on our own and share it as we can.
What tender little thing are you willing to do to help your nervous system and your body know that it’s actually okay to rest now? What little hack have you found that works? No, an iced mocha latte does not count. JUST NO. Retail therapy? Sorry. Facebook? Probably not. What tangible way did you let your body know, today, that you appreciate what it’s been doing all this time, even while being blamed for everything that frustrates you? Is it time for a reset? I’m fairly certain that it’s not too late. Even for you. Please start today. If you’d like some help getting started, I’d be happy to assist you. Book a session with me, and see what little things you can do to make this big difference in your life.
Are you dehydrated? Are you racing around, too overwhelmed by your to-do list to stop and use the bathroom? What kind of creative expression have you been putting off because it’s not going to pay the bills? Make some time to do one small thing consistently and see what happens. This is not an all-or-nothing proposition. It is small gestures sustained over time. Follow comfort. Not numbness. Follow pleasure, not self indulgence. Study yourself. You can find the difference. And you are totally worth it, as you have been all along.
I remember, in 2013, prior to my second flight from the Midwest (the first being to Bangladesh, in 1994), giving my clients the following homework: Take a week to be just as lazy, selfish and irresponsible as you can be. I’m not kidding. If that is not possible, take two days. If that isn’t possible, then at the very minimum, take four hours. That was the advice I, myself, needed to take and so I finally did. But it took me this long to realize what that would actually look like, and what it really meant. In hindsight I wonder how possible it was for any of my clients to do this assignment without drastically changing their environment – the cultural, political and economic setting of the USA in the 21st Century. But why, you might be asking. Why this assignment? I will give you the long explanation now.
So many of us, as survivors of early relational trauma, have been programmed for survival, though the danger is not what we think it is. So many of us have an inner critic that berates us mercilessly, perpetuating feelings of shame and self-doubt, if not self-loathing. It hurls names at its person, and depending on the words their family used to express their unresolved pain and shame, these might have included “lazy,” “narcissistic,” “selfish,” “stupid,” “irresponsible,” etc. Many of my clients are learning what to do with the part of themselves that spews these toxic messages. What we are learning together is that this abusive part is actually an automatic reflex designed to “protect” its person from feeling the overwhelming feelings of pain and loneliness from the past. It protects us from the pain and overwhelm of one or more tender, vulnerable parts that are stuck in the past, needing our help to get them out. But it is designed to remain undetected to our conscious mind, and that is what makes it tricky to deal with in a straightforward way.
Until we do bring consciousness, care and compassion to these unresolved issues, these parts will continue to get activated and wreak havoc in our lives. I knew this when I created Self-Abuse & The Drama Triangle, but I’m realizing it at a deeper level now, as I recognize with renewed clarity what a tremendous amount of my energy can still be wasted in self-doubt, self-flagellation and something just under the surface that is keeping me from feeling like my clear and shining adult self.
My inner critic is 14-15 years old. She feels indignant and she believes that she can’t stop or she will be just as outrageously unforgivable and deserving of repudiation as the ones responsible for the violence and neglect she experienced in the past. She believes that if she lets up, she will fail us both (she is operating from her adolescent perspective with righteous indignation and her 14-15-year-old determination to keep me from getting hurt). And so she continues to do her thing, just beneath the level of my awareness. Her toxic message – this survival reflex – gets kicked up as I diligently work to reclaim my original, First Nature, and say NO to the generations-old programming that kept me small and quiet by telling me that the world is an unsafe place and that I should not expect to be loved.
This reflex kicks in to preserve the status quo. With the incisiveness and sophistication of a terrified 15-year old, it scrutinizes and second guesses my motives, my choices, my decisions, my reactions, my performance, my physical appearance. She can go on and on and on before I recognize what is happening in there. When I ignore this dynamic over time, it chips away at my confidence, at my general sense of well-being, my health and my Life Force. This part does not trust me because of mistakes she is sure I have made in the past. She can be seriously abusive because she is terrified and she doesn’t believe she can ask for help and get it, and because she believes our lives and integrity depend on her keeping up this internal battery and its concomitant feelings of shame and self-contempt.
I am thinking of one of my clients who has figured out how to talk to his angry little one inside. His is only five years old. He shows me how firm but loving boundaries can be instituted and maintained with this little one, who has brought so much destruction to his closest relationships in the past. When he feels his angry little one starting to get agitated, he checks in with it. He reassures it. He has even learned to be preemptive. In the mornings he snuggles up with it, telling it that it is okay, and that he is big enough to hold it and protect it. You are safe now, he tells it. You can trust me to take your needs seriously. I love you. I am here now. I will not abandon you. It is your job to play and have fun now. You don’t have to be big and angry to keep us safe anymore.
Another client too, has learned to take a bit of time to attune to the disturbance and the players inside. Like mine, his is 14-15-years-old and has a tongue that slices him to shreds if he allows it. He is learning to talk to this inner critic softly but with assurance, pointing out the landmarks of his growth and success, what he is doing right. Reminding them both that he does not deserve to be punished, and never did. As the inner critic softens, he is freer to accept himself and his past mistakes and release the remaining shame, self-loathing, self-doubt and self-censure that he has stockpiled but failed to examine all these years. Together we form the alliance necessary to glean the wisdom from his life experience, to acknowledge his successes, and discern his real needs and the real maturity he has gained through his efforts and experiences instead of just trying to hide, amputate or erase this terrified, vulnerable part of himself, along with his imperfect past.
We need to be able to attune to and acknowledge the wisdom beneath the disruption, this hidden chaos inside. Because what other recourse does the powerless have than to revolt? The parts that feel powerless and abandoned need to be listened to because they showed up in the first place for a reason. They have wisdom that is profound and irreplaceable. But we do need to get support and take the time necessary to find out what is actually happening in there.
Just as important as recognizing that they are there for a reason and having compassion for these tender parts, it is necessary that we let them know that they are not allowed to abuse us or others anymore. We need to value ourselves and have enough substance – enough Self – to put into place firm boundaries. Though we have been programmed otherwise, we need to be more selfish to do this. As my sense of Self strengthens, that’s what keeping my commitment to doing a daily meditation feels like for me. It is a revolutionary act, holding nurturing routines in place, adjusting them as I grow to fit my continuously changing needs. And it is what is necessary to leave the status quo and achieve the change I really want.
This morning, as I put the finishing touches on my owner’s manual, I realize that I have been newly reconnected with envy and how much this emotion has impacted my life without my even knowing it. I was so clueless of envy, never thinking that word described any part of me. Well now I see how anger, jealousy and envy were so central to my life and experience, and how thoroughly I blotted them out, pushing them under so they could be hidden, so I could maintain my image of a “good girl.” Now I can see how this has contributed to the stifling of my reaching reflex. How it crippled my ability to want what I wanted and even to receive what was sweet and available all around me.
Now, I am reclaiming my envy, and with it perfecting my own reaching reflex. Every hint of envy is my new best friend because it tells me what I want more of. It no longer needs to remain hidden. As with anger, it can now inform me. I am so grateful for everything in my current life that is helping me develop my reaching reflex. Films, Netflix, free time to reflect on my relationship with people I have judged as selfish, irresponsible or lazy. Newly admiring their ability to enjoy their lives and allowing myself to distill my own understanding of my unique constitution, tastes, values and desires as similar and distinct from theirs. I am so thankful for my clients. Each one of them a tremendous gift. So thankful for each day, a dance, a step closer to a life that is even more filled with the things that I have been afraid to ask for. A calmable nervous system. People who help me calm my nervous system. People with whom I can and do regularly play and explore the wonders of this experience called Life.
As I sit here with rubber bands between my molars, I feel the “opening” of my avenue of expression. It’s uncomfortable but it is fundamentally changing me. Expanding my ability to experience joy and pleasure. Expanding my ability to express and share myself. I feel everything falling into place just as it should.
I am learning to enjoy liminal space these days, not exactly knowing what will happen next, and it’s uncomfortable sometimes. But it’s okay. Better to be in this space than to jump prematurely to the next thing.
I vigilantly work on recognizing self-doubt when it comes up, I attend to the tender vulnerable feelings underneath, and step in to make sure that nobody is abusing me inside.
Here’s what I can watch out for, lurking in the shadows:
Rumination
Self-judgment
Feeling critical of myself
Comparing myself with others
Feeling critical toward others
Negative self-talk (You’re irresponsible. Who do you think you are? etc.)
Nurturing a stronger, more reliable sense of Self means that I can more readily step back and recognize this as the abuse that it is, and that it says nothing whatsoever about me. Once I recognize that I am doing this again, I can firmly but compassionately redirect that energy. I am committed to mastering the skills necessary to do this.
In the spaciousness of my life, here in my Mexican retreat, I can recognize that disruptive younger part of me now and tell her that I appreciate her and all she has been through. I speak to her softly, lovingly, and assure her that I am committed to learning how to be embodied, how to gracefully navigate the world as an adult and how to live a life that we have been worthy of all along. I let her know that I’ve got this now, thanking her, but assuring her that she can safely rest now, and do what she, as a 14-15-year-old, enjoys. Supported in my village and with my ancestors and guides, I am in a position to keep her safe now, and I let her know that I am committed to doing just that.
I let her know that I am learning the skill of turning feelings into needs. When she feels critical or judgmental, I can understand that she is scared or envious or angry or ashamed of being scared or envious or angry. I can help her know that her tender vulnerable feelings are okay, that there is a place for them, and that it doesn’t hurt anyone on the outside when she makes me aware of them. I can be curious about what she is feeling without making her wrong. And once I know what the feelings are, we can work together to figure out what she needs. This can take some work, but I am up for it. And I am worth the effort it takes. I am anything but lazy, though from the outside I might be judged otherwise. That is why it is so important that I surround myself with people who share my values and worldview at least a large part of the time.
You are enough, I tell her. You no longer have to be better than anyone else. You can just show up. We have all the love and support we need. We are thin enough. We are attractive enough. We are smart enough. We work hard enough. We have plenty of money. We have enough time and resources to take care of ourselves, and I am committed to taking the time I need to stay adequately attuned to your vulnerable needs, preferences and potential. This may be the most important work of all. And then I make sure that my schedule is open enough to stay attuned to her needs and appreciate her contributions to my life. Some may call that selfish or lazy or irresponsible. I call it coming home to my fully embodied and integrated self; making my body a place where it feels good to be, where I truly belong.
This week, I explore personal insights during a group experience, overcoming initial reluctance. I confront buried emotions regarding grief and trauma, which have led to greater self-compassion. The ceremony facilitated a shift in my perception of men and a reconnection with my creative energy, opening possibilities for deeper relational bonds in the future.
What did I learn about myself?
This week I am answering the second question of the Integration Workbook:What did I learn about myself? This question prompts us to share personal insights, including patterns or behaviors we noticed, wounds that surfaced, gifts or strengths we recognized, parts of ourselves we met, how we’ve been living versus how we want to live. If you haven’t already, you can access the first blog of this series here.
What did I learn? I was reticent to join the circle, or to have this be a group experience, but once I did, I understood that this was where all the gold was, at least for me. I met the part of myself that could howl at the stars, that could speak what needed to be spoken in the circle. I learned that revulsion, distaste, disgust and shock are all part of my experience, that I sometimes have these reactions towards people – both men and women – and that relationships cannot grow if these things are kept hidden inside.
The understanding that I was carrying grief, shame and unprocessed trauma for my dad helped me have so much more compassion for myself. I’m not sure if that was the idea of the mushroom, the fire, or some conspiracy between them both, but it’s what dropped into my awareness. It was a long-awaited gift, and one I’m not sure I could have gained through any other means.
I had been living in a world of women – many who still secretly (and not so secretly) carried the belief that men are not to be trusted and that we have to protect ourselves from them, that we tolerate them, but that they are big, awkward children and burdensome. That what they contribute in our lives comes at a tremendous cost to us, our health, our freedom and our natural evolution toward personal fulfillment. That it is our responsibility as women (and indeed necessary to some primitive survival code) to protect them from their feelings at any cost. And in so doing we offer ourselves up, to serve them just as a drug or any other addictive substance might.
All of that went into the fire. Witnessed by others, who held the space as I exercised the power of my voice, and the energy that flowed through me, under the stars.
The ceremonial circle marked a moment in time when I felt adequately supported to open my mouth. But not so that I could explain myself. Rather so I could free myself. With that declaration, and the days and months that have since passed, I notice a certain shifting of willingness to experience men as people, and some of them are actually turning out to be fun and interesting and potential counterparts and mirrors, offering essential elements of alchemy in my growth and integration – not just of the mushroom ceremony but of my entire life. I also notice a very new ease in my whole body when I consider my willingness to do whatever I need to do to take care of my own needs and follow my own desire, comfort, curiosity. And to make no apologies to anyone about these.
And at the risk of sharing TMI, when I go back to the early part of the ceremony, where I’m lying on my sleeping bag under the cedars, I am able to recall a very physical and gentle awakening in my dantien, maybe it was deep within my womb. I see it now as the reawakening of a fire that has been part of my lived experience, a subject of pleasure and interest as it strengthens, and my relationship with it. Since the ceremony my connection with it becomes more nuanced, accessible and familiar. I believe it to be a reconnection with my own creative life force energy. Desire. It is also, I suspect, an opening to the possibility that I may be able to deepen and enrich my experience, even more, in the company of another – a beloved partner – with whom the desire to share and deepen our knowing of each other lasts over time. For now, I know that I am making great progress at healing and releasing the barriers I have erected against closeness and reciprocal knowing. I am no longer averse to saying that I desire an opportunity to partner with a man, and share relational bonds that endure and deepen over time. I am willing to wait and see what Spirit does with this declaration. And so it is.
Come back next week for Question 3: What did I learn about life, reality, or existence?
For me, child development, field dynamics, intergenerational patterns, self-parenting, and the language of empowerment are naturally blending with Tarot, in its potential to help us see who we are as individuals – not through the lens of trauma and our wounds, but through our potential as creative and spiritual beings walking on this planet, during this lifetime.
My entrance point into Tarot was Jessica Dore, a Jungian-influenced social worker. Coming across her book – Tarot for Change: Using the Cards for Self-Care, Acceptance & Growth, and all the deep, helpful content Dore offers there – prompted me to buy my first real Tarot deck. It is the one Jessica Dore uses, the Rider–Waite deck.Before that I had owned random divination decks (which all have their unique and magical qualities, don’t get me wrong), from Angels and Faeries, to Animals, given that the language of dreams, metaphysics and symbols has always been a huge fascination for me. These have proven themselves, over time, to be trustworthy companions when I have been in need of answers, when I ached for deeper understanding. When comfort and reassurance in the form of just the right words weren’t forthcoming from the places others seemed to be getting them: other people, intimate relationships, health care professionals, my logical mind. Most would agree that all of this is innocent and safe enough. Right? A way to use synchronicity to connect with deeper meaning, guidance, and self-resonance. Hardly controversial. We need this. Humans have done this forever.
Then at my Friday Coffee Group last month, a friend happened to bring The Tarot Handbook: Practical Applications of Ancient Visual Symbols, by Angeles Arrien. There it was, lying on the table in front of me, and as I reached for it, I felt another very deep and resounding yes. Encountering this book and beginning to connect with the symbology, the archetypes and the nuts and bolts of using numerology to calculate soul- and personality-level, life-time archetypes, growth symbols, and growth cycles gave me an unmistakable and unambiguous YES, and I’ve been deeply immersed ever since. Now I have new toys to play with in my creative field: the Thoth Tarot Deck by Aleister Crowley and Lady Frieda Harris, and the book that showed up at coffee group on that auspicious day. My friends, I have officially entered “the occult.”
I hope this thrills and delights you, as more of us are working our way out from under the collective spell of Christianity as it shows up in its various destructive forms in the world today. A version of Christianity that has silenced the ancient wisdom and the proper place of the feminine in spirituality for thousands of years. We need that wisdom now more than ever.
For me, child development, field dynamics, intergenerational patterns, self-parenting, and the language of empowerment are naturally blending with Tarot, in its potential to help us see who we are as individuals – not through the lens of trauma and our wounds, but through our potential as creative and spiritual beings walking on this planet, during this lifetime.
In the name of recovery and self-reclamation (and because, luckily, this is my vocation), I have done so much work to understand my infant and child self in terms of the wounds, losses, and hardship because it was the best I could do. And it has brought me a long way in reconnecting with my body and my emotional self. It has been important work, but from here, I can take it so much further.
As I play with the archetypes and the systems the Tarot incorporates, so many things fall into place. So many of my needs are met. How else might I have even thought to ask the questions:
Who was I, besides a poor, forlorn child who got separated from her mother?
What other forces are at play in my development besides the coping strategies I devised to deal with the stresses of my childhood home, and ensure that I had a place there?
What inherent qualities did I bring in? (Long ago I rejected the idea that as children we are blank slates that our parents write upon to shape and form us.)
Tarot can offer us something tangibly essential in the absence of local, in-person communities made up of the grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts and uncles, and neighbors that were always present in indigenous villages. This new game offers us a way to see ourselves from a more universal perspective. When we are born, we come into our human families with inherent qualities. Incarnating allows us opportunities to experience life, including all the ways we contort ourselves to hide our essential gifts and qualities in attempts to fit into our families. With just a little help, we can reconnect with our essential selves. We can unearth and embrace who we really are. Having access to the archetypes and taking advantage of the synchronicity that Tarot offers is a rich and extremely nuanced way to unearth, reclaim and celebrate our inherent selves and our place in the world. Whether it resonates or not is up to us to decide. At the very least, the ancient lore of Tarot gives us a starting point.
“You do not approve of the destruction that is being done to our air, our water, our food, our children, and our Earth. The negatively oriented elite have been operating under the assumption that our silence is agreement. When enough of us withdraw that consent consciously, deliberately, and with full intention, we shift the frequency of this realm.” – Waxela Sananda
The collicular self has the power to turn to something or turn away from it without our awareness of that ‘decision.’
Learning More About the Brain (some very basic basics in 3 parts)
This is the second of several posts I’m making in attempts to digest this really important read. Here, I’m breaking down some new brain info.
Subcortical Brainstem Structures Involved in Immediate Responses to Traumatic Events
1) Superior Colliculi
WHERE
2) Periaqueductal Gray
WHAT
3) Locus Coeruleus
SHOCK
A multisensory integration center, registering novelty in the visual, auditory and somatosensory fields. Coordinating immediate orienting behavior.
Involved in the generation of affective (e.g., panic/grief, rage, fear and defensive (e.g., fight, flight, freeze) responding.
A noradrenaline system with diffuse projections across the cerebral cortex. Heavily involved in arousal and attention.
Signaling extreme levels of volatility.
Orienting to WHERE
One of the first things we are being asked to learn in order to deliver DBR therapy is to help our clients locate a central place in their being from which they sense the world and know where they are in it. Anatomically, this place is represented by a brain structure called the Superior Colliculus. It sits on top of the periaqueductal gray, about which we will go into deeper detail later. It looks, maybe, a little like this:
Midbrain and Upper Brainstem Component of the WHERE System, the Superior Colliculus– This is an orienting structure which “has sensorimotor capacities for effecting inquisitive, acquisitive, and protective responses in relation to the unknown.” (pg 6)
“The collicular self has the power to turn to something or turn away from it without our awareness of that ‘decision.'”
I’m making mental notes here that the Superior Colliculi (Pg 16):
Serve as an integrative hub for mapping the self in space
Receive information from the retina, spinal cord and cerebral cortex
Orient to what is unexpected and novel about the world around us
“You have a sense of your body’s position – how the limbs, torso, neck, and head are placed – and how you are gently held in your chair by the earth’s gravitational field. You are in the place where all this information comes together. This ‘collicular perspective’ is the integrative hub from which your attention radiates outwards to illuminate space with your awareness. Before identifying what you see or hear, you are first aware of WHERE.“
As academics and psychologists, we have long been witness to mixed responses from youngsters and adults alike who are both attracted (compelled to attach) to someone because they represent the very things they need to survive, but at the same time are compelled to escape because they elicit great fear or confusion. This same disorganized response is the domain of the Superior Colliculi, as it turns out–at the micro level. It’s where those opposing orientations begin.
Opposing orientations have important implications for how we understand the effects of interpersonal stimuli that are both a source of nourishment and threat. (Pg 23)
“Horrific experiences activate simultaneous forces of attraction and aversion beyond our control, resulting in an entanglement of orienting responses.” (Pg 24) And this is what DBR is uniquely suited to do. To slow the process (social interaction) down enough so that these opposing orientations can be witnessed, held, and worked out by the body, with the help of a safe objective witness, once and for all.
The WHAT – The Generation of Affective and Defensive Responding
Midbrain Periaqueductal Gray (the primary structure for the WHAT response system) – our defenses: fight, flight, and freeze, and our affects: fear, rage, and panic/grief arise from this brain structure. The periaqueductal gray has a role in active and passive defense responses and their associated autonomic nervous system changes. (Pg 6)
It is sweet to have a real basis for knowing and discussing the fact that deep somatic and visceral pain of interpersonal origin actually exists. We can know this now because of the machines that are indeed measuring it as we write and read this, and the scientists who are formulating these measures. We can also know that others are, in fact, investing their academic careers to studying the behavioral relevance of such pain.
It’s reassuring and validating to read descriptors such as “social rejection” in scientific journals. Even though few of us, outside the field, have given much thought about the moment by moment, day by day, year by year interpersonal events from the perspective of our newborn, or infant self. Or that in our parents’ or grandparents’ generations infants were thought not to actually have a self, feelings or memories. An infant’s perspective might not occur in words, but it most certainly endures in the form of somatic memories.
A behavior researchers call “withdrawal” refers to what subjects do, behaviorally, upon experiencing a social loss. Social loss, they say, activates “PANIC/GRIEF systems, related action tendencies of fight (confrontation), flight (socially evasive behaviour), and freeze (social anxiety).” (pg 44)
Characteristics of the Periaqueductal Gray Columns
SHOCK – A Noradrenaline System with Diffuse Projections Across the Cerebral Cortex
Originating at Pons level in the midbrain, the Locus Coeruleus– Heavily involved in arousal and attention, the Locus Coeruleus signals extreme levels of volatility.
Stay tuned for more of my processing of this lovely piece of scholarly work. If you are a counselor or therapist supporting clients with trauma and/or dissociation, or think you might have experienced early relational trauma, I highly recommend that you read it for yourself:
What are you doing here, and why? It’s important to be tuned into this, probably more now than ever before. I am a counselor specializing in childhood trauma. My tools, experience and temperament help clients reconnect with and understand emotional messages from their bodies. Our work together empowers them to honor themselves and achieve their unique paths.
The client that I like to work with is willing to speak of unspeakable things. Which is not easy. But the person I can help is willing. And that seems to be what I have a knack for. To help a person feel safe enough to go there. I help to soften what is calcified and leaking toxins from inside. I help provide a space where what has been longing to be seen and held feels invited and named. When the client is willing, I create the setting where the unspeakable can feel safe enough to emerge. That is what I noticed about therapy I have had in the past–that I just literally could not think of any “logical” problem that I needed help with. The unspeakable needs to be coaxed into the room. It is the unspeakable that I invite, so that it can get the care and attention it is longing and yearning for. So it does not weigh so heavy in the soul. Here are some of the things that feel welcomed and therefore transformed (and unburdened) in these healing spaces.
THE UNSPEAKABLE
Shameful Things
Jealousy
Being Hateful
Resentment
Disappointments
Greed
Rage
Selfishness
Silly Things
Overreactions
Embarrassments
Childish Things
The Pathetic
Things I’ve Learned Not to Focus On For Good Reason
Things That Could Come True or Get Worse If I Think About Them at All
Things That Might Come True If I Dignify Them With Language
Things That If Uttered Aloud Would Make Me Unlovable
The Whiny, the Annoying, the Shameful
Things That Could Send Me Straight to Hell
Things I Should Have Been Punished For. Things I Punish Myself For.
Things My Body Does and Doesn’t Do That Are Too Tedious and Too Embarrassing to Ask Anyone to Help Me Sort Through
Things I Should Have Been Able to Take Care of Long, Long Ago
I can help you if you are brave enough and willing to change, and maybe just need a place you can go to take–not all your scary baggage at once, but–the part that is ready now. I delight in meeting the person who knows they can be more of themselves, and just needs some reassurance, encouragement and a gentle witness to what they are going through, and what they have survived.
You might be aware of the shame and fear you feel about what you have been carrying. But if you are willing to show up anyway, you can unburden yourself. Maybe you have been betrayed; maybe you have betrayed others. But if you are still willing to take the chance, you will find what you seek, because you know the stakes are too great if you don’t. I want to work with you if you are interested in getting the kind of support you have been seeking all along, but somehow not finding. If you want to be supported in following a feeling as it shows you some beautiful thing you didn’t know was sacred about you. In the end, the clients who benefit from what I have to offer give me the astounding gift of seeing how universal our problems really are. I am truly blessed to know you, and hear you speak of unspeakable things.
If you have read this far, congratulations. You are ready to take the next step. Please contact Toni here. She will be looking forward to hearing from you.
How can it be that at the highest echelons of mental health, professionals are trained to avoid talking about trauma because it destabilizes patients? Yet, according to Frank M. Corrigan, this seems to be the status quo in our mainstream medical system. Like Frank, I believe that so-called developed countries need to do better in acknowledging the impact early relational trauma has on our nervous systems and our lives. Only in this way can we actually begin to provide the kind of welcome our most vulnerable community members need in order to grow into their best, fullest lives. And only in this way can we begin to reclaim our own nervous systems so that we can live in harmony with our bodies and the planet, starting now, at whatever stage of health we’re at, which is something that is so vital to all of us during this important moment in human history.
How can it be anything but obvious that our earliest experiences set the tone for our lives, and that the tender love and consistent-enough attention of our mothers is central to our wellbeing and development? So much so that in the first hours and days following birth, the availability or absence of a warm and conscious presence imprints on the nervous system and puts in motion ways of being in the body that will shape our relationships and our physical health for a lifetime. What should not be earth shattering news is that when a human infant does not get these early needs met, the body responds with shock. If these ruptures are not repaired, it will leave the body in a chronic state of hypervigilance and trauma.
This is what mental health providers the world over are facing today. How to help clients and patients with chronic anxiety, depression, troubled relationships, and a general sense of disconnection from themselves, others and their own agency in the world.
Frank M. Corrigan suggests a sort of cultural dissociation from the reality of early relational trauma that lies not-so-subtly alongside an implied institutionalized decision by our medical establishments that trauma-derived disorders are simply too expensive to treat. Frank M. Corrigan is speaking my language. Though it’s clearly not USAian English. In fact, he’s Scottish! Corrigan is the creator of Deep Brain Reorienting, a body-oriented tool to treat shock, trauma, attachment wounding and deeply stored, unprocessed pain.
Deep Brain Reorienting brings something revolutionary to my toolbox, though I’ve specialized in trauma for almost 20 years. With DBR, we are slowing things down, looking under the hood, and addressing some important things that happen in the brain well before trauma sets in – even before emotions. It’s basic physiology, but it’s also sociopolitical. In this trailblazing book, I’m finding answers to questions I didn’t even know I had. Frank M. Corrigan speaks to my nervous system in a way I’ve never been spoken to before.
Learning Yet Another Technique
With DBR, “The therapist must be directive in eliciting the underlying sequence and then supportive as the healing process flows from within the client towards a new perspective.” (Pg 9)
Orienting Tension
As a practitioner of Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), I have learned how to watch for the subtle cues that tell me when a client is effectively processing trauma; I know the landmarks that happen when we effectively transform a vivid, sensory-laden memory that feels here and now when recalled, into a narrative story that can be told with thoughtfulness, current-moment presence, and compassion for the self. But what EMDR is not as good at is effectively addressing pre-verbal trauma. I don’t know about you, but I didn’t acquire the use of spoken language as a means of communication until I was probably well into my third year. And as much as it vexes me, talking about the unresolved trauma my nervous system has been managing since birth would not be a worthwhile pursuit for me in a therapy session. Still, growing up in a family that had little time or energy for emotions, there is still a considerable amount of work to do in that addled nervous system of mine. Lucky for me, now that I’ve been introduced to Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR), I understand that there is a whole additional set of cues that we can become familiar with when we work with clients, and when we begin to heal our own nervous systems from the ruptures in attachment we experienced when we – as infants, toddlers and small children – were so completely dependent on the adults in our lives. And when we address these things, our worlds begin to expand. We are capable of so much more than we ever imagined.
This new set of cues includes tension in the muscles at the base of the skull, around the eyes, and/or in the forehead. The sensations here are referred to as orienting tension because they include muscles that become activated when “our attention is drawn to something salient, even if we do not move our eyes or our head.”
This orienting tension provides a connection with the system for the ‘whereness’ of the body, and (during therapy) it enables attention to traumatic material without being dislocated from present reality. This is where we obtain the grounding anchor, which reduces the risk of being overwhelmed during trauma processing. (Pg 5)
In the next weeks and months, I hope to process and share more about Frank Corrigan and colleagues findings and thoughts. Here are a few of the things I want to take in and “digest.”
The Nervous System Structures involved in the orienting reflex and shock
Neurological foundations of Disorganized Attachment – And how they’re healed
Implications of the diffuse pain of an infant for whom there is insufficient meeting of the need for contact
The sense of personal agency, and how it responds to early attachment disruptions
Neurochemical Dissociation and the endogenous opioids that deliver analgesia for emotional pain
Recognizing the physiological symptoms of shock
Bracing: The degree of holding in the axial structures is indicative of the level of underlying pain that is being continually braced against
