Integrating Psilocybin – Part II

What did I learn about myself?

This week I am answering the second question of the Integration Workbook: What did I learn about myself?  This question prompts us to share personal insights, including patterns or behaviors we noticed, wounds that surfaced, gifts or strengths we recognized, parts of ourselves we met, how we’ve been living versus how we want to live.  If you haven’t already, you can access the first blog of this series here.

What did I learn?  I was reticent to join the circle, or to have this be a group experience, but once I did, I understood that this was where all the gold was, at least for me.  I met the part of myself that could howl at the stars, that could speak what needed to be spoken in the circle.  I learned that revulsion, distaste, disgust and shock are all part of my experience, that I sometimes have these reactions towards people – both men and women – and that relationships cannot grow if these things are kept hidden inside.  

The understanding that I was carrying grief, shame and unprocessed trauma for my dad helped me have so much more compassion for myself.  I’m not sure if that was the idea of the mushroom, the fire, or some conspiracy between them both, but it’s what dropped into my awareness.  It was a long-awaited gift, and one I’m not sure I could have gained through any other means. 

I had been living in a world of women – many who still secretly (and not so secretly) carried the belief that men are not to be trusted and that we have to protect ourselves from them, that we tolerate them, but that they are big, awkward children and burdensome.  That what they contribute in our lives comes at a tremendous cost to us, our health, our freedom and our natural evolution toward personal fulfillment.  That it is our responsibility as women (and indeed necessary to some primitive survival code) to protect them from their feelings at any cost.  And in so doing we offer ourselves up, to serve them just as a drug or any other addictive substance might.

All of that went into the fire.  Witnessed by others, who held the space as I exercised the power of my voice, and the energy that flowed through me, under the stars.

The ceremonial circle marked a moment in time when I felt adequately supported to open my mouth.  But not so that I could explain myself.  Rather so I could free myself.  With that declaration, and the days and months that have since passed, I notice a certain shifting of willingness to experience men as people, and some of them are actually turning out to be fun and interesting and potential counterparts and mirrors, offering essential elements of alchemy in my growth and integration – not just of the mushroom ceremony but of my entire life.  I also notice a very new ease in my whole body when I consider my willingness to do whatever I need to do to take care of my own needs and follow my own desire, comfort, curiosity.  And to make no apologies to anyone about these.  

And at the risk of sharing TMI, when I go back to the early part of the ceremony, where I’m lying on my sleeping bag under the cedars, I am able to recall a very physical and gentle awakening in my dantien, maybe it was deep within my womb.  I see it now as the reawakening of a fire that has been part of my lived experience, a subject of pleasure and interest as it strengthens, and my relationship with it.  Since the ceremony my connection with it becomes more nuanced, accessible and familiar.  I believe it to be a reconnection with my own creative life force energy.  Desire.  It is also, I suspect, an opening to the possibility that I may be able to deepen and enrich my experience, even more, in the company of another – a beloved partner – with whom the desire to share and deepen our knowing of each other lasts over time.  For now, I know that I am making great progress at healing and releasing the barriers I have erected against closeness and reciprocal knowing.  I am no longer averse to saying that I desire an opportunity to partner with a man, and share relational bonds that endure and deepen over time. I am willing to wait and see what Spirit does with this declaration. And so it is.

Come back next week for Question 3: What did I learn about life, reality, or existence?