Ramblings – Interpersonal Neurobiology & Affirmations

Interpersonal Neurobiology.  This is a pairing of words that always gets my attention.  Some days it makes me feel inadequate because I haven’t chosen this as a field of study, per se.  Some days I feel sad because I want to have the title Interpersonal Neurobiologist, and I don’t.  But today it just makes me sit in wonder, pure awe of the universe we live in, and the things we get to do here.  

I guess I could say that I know a fair amount about interpersonal dynamics.  I could say, also, that I have made a decent attempt to inform myself about the nervous system and how the nervous systems of individuals respond to other nervous systems, and how we come into our lives here on earth with nervous systems that aren’t fully developed, and we need the nervous systems of other people, particularly our mothers, in order to develop and properly grow and mature.  I can unarguably claim over half a century of experience trying to figure out how to regulate my own nervous system, and have actually had some success in the past decade or so.  And now, from a place where I have some agency and confidence around my ability to calm my own nervous system, I am discovering that I am excited about getting even better at it.  And excited, also, that this can only be done with the help of and in the company of other people.  I can honestly say that this–at this particular moment–terrifies me almost as much as it thrills me.  I know this because of a nightmare that woke me up this morning.  I come back to that later. 

But whether it is a community potluck, a group of people sitting around a bonfire, an online class, group therapy, a 12-Step Group, or Thanksgiving Dinner at Grandma’s, people can come together and actually be better off from having done so.  Am I the only one feeling the profound potential here?  Because if I’m honest, tapping into and using this potential has not worked well for me in too many contexts in the past, and since that has only relatively recently changed for me, I want to compare notes with those of you who are still reaching and yearning and working for rich and deep and satisfying and inspiring and gorgeous and transformative interactions with other humans as the new normal.  

As I survey what I see as our dominant society and culture, as humans in the 21st Century, we have created, on the grandest scale, groups, systems, institutions and organizations that at best are failing to produce what we most need in the world today and at worst represent all of the things we loathe and wish with all our hearts to avoid. Yes, there are good things happening, but I am not willing to dismiss this overarching state of affairs right now.  Families too often fail to protect and nurture their children, churches intentionally terrify and bewilder us and extract our resources, governing bodies fail to come together to represent or serve our best interests.  And I don’t even begin to have words to talk about our economy.  Resources, time, money and life force energy is being wasted in all the ways.  We try, like swashbucklers, to make these groups and organizations work for us, to do our part; to do the right thing.  But in the end, maybe the only way to maintain our sanity is to accept that we can’t and never will be able to make these groups work for us.  And to accept that it’s actually okay, because we can get what we want and need (and have a whole lot of fun while we’re at it) anyway.  (I do realize that there are people out there whose truth it is to work in institutions, and my hat’s off to you.  I don’t diminish the value of what you are doing.  It’s just clearly not my gig.)

What if it’s true that there is absolutely nothing stopping us from convening and collaborating our intentions and energies in a different way? What if we can count on ourselves and our own senses to know what we desire, so that we can join forces and explore and create and play?  And what if organizing with safe others for creative play is actually the solution to all our problems?  That is the realm in which my interests lie at the moment.

As I push myself to do things outside of the familiar; outside of my personal comfort zone, I am benefiting in so many ways.  In preparation for our next Family Constellations Circle, I can identify, name and use my fears, my emotions, my worries, to build reassurances and encouragements and positive statements to use for myself to help me calm my nervous system (because Toni, who do you think you are to be doing something so bold and outside the box? is notably not calming my nervous system).  

Spoiler Alert: this post ends with the list of affirmations I plan to use for the next couple weeks.  Feel free to use those affirmations that have meaning for you, and use any others as seed ideas to build your own affirmations if that helps you to reassure your vulnerable inner children.

I’m pretty sure my angels and guides woke me up this morning with a dream and a realization that I need to double down on identifying and removing hidden obstacles to speaking from my heart in real time.  Because this is the reason being in groups has not worked for me in the past.

My work now is to use my dream material to help me notice and name, one by one, the things that may keep me from speaking freely from my heart in real time.  See if any of these resonate for you too.

  1. Shame about being so caught up in my own anxiety and stress that I can’t receive information from my senses about what’s happening in the moment. Disappointment in myself for not performing up to my own standards or as well as someone else who I’m sure could do it better.  Shame for not being in control of my own body/nervous system.
  2. Fear of being blindsided by a trigger reflex, which shuts down the ability to enjoy connecting with others. Fear of missing the juiciest and sweetest parts because I’m so fixated on something that “should” be and isn’t, or getting it perfect.
  3. Fear of having to pretend to be completely present, calm and relaxed, while actually feeling a bit stunned and not sure I can connect to the words I need to express what I want to express and to accomplish my goals.  Shame because I’m not feeling the calm and relaxed and grounded state I’m asking my group to feel.  Fear that I won’t have what I need when I need it.  Fear that I am inadequate, a fraud.  Fear that what I have to offer (me being me, with my ideas, my contribution, my emotions, my processes and needs) is not of value.
  4. Fear of inadequately or incompletely expressing the breadth and depth of myself, my knowledge and lived experience.  Being misunderstood.  Fear of selling myself short, fear of disappointing people, of not delivering what others want and need.  Fear that I can’t trust myself and my instincts.
  5. Fear of not having the integration I need to express myself in an engaging way when I want to.  Fear of not being healed enough or skilled enough or capable enough or worthy of attention and trust.
  6. (and get this) Fear of actually getting what I’m asking for; of truly succeeding.  Fear that if I succeed, I won’t be able to handle the big feelings and issues and problems that come with that.
  7. Chronic, unconscious muscular tension.  Unconsciously clenching muscles.  In the body in general, including but not limited to the physiological avenue of expression.  Chronic, unconscious tension in the body restricts the free flow of information from the body to the brain and vice versa.  I suspect that I have yet-to-be-identified muscular tension that keeps me from expressing emotions as they come up and advocating for myself, especially in circumstances where I feel I might be out of line somehow, or going against dominant paradigms (which is just asking for bad things to happen, right?)  Women can’t be openly powerful or successful (without paying for it).  It’s not safe to be powerful.  It’s not safe to openly be a channel for the divine.  

And at the bottom of all of that I notice a subtle but very primal fear of being cast out, being rejected, being dismissed, being exiled, or otherwise paying the price.

Affirmations

  • I’ve actually been experimenting with bringing more consciousness to my desires and actively manifesting more of what I desire in my life.  
  • The results I’m getting are practically immediate, mostly delightful, new and surprising, and I am learning about myself as I go along.  
  • I get to make adjustments when unexpected things crop up and I become aware of needs I didn’t know about before.  
  • I am capable of learning from my experiences.  
  • I’m actually not too bad at this.
  • It is my responsibility to value and honor myself by building in spaciousness and care and attunement around any group offering I decide to make (risks I take in new areas of my life, around tender new skills I am just developing).  
  • I accept that responsibility and make self care a priority, fully realizing that I will perform better and feel better about my performance if I am better prepared, physically, spiritually, emotionally, psychologically.  
  • I have all the support and guidance I need to adequately prepare for these events.  
  • The fact that I can imagine how it feels when I can relax and draw on my experience and knowledge to hold the space well (help my group members feel comfortable and prepared to participate in a group that goes the way I want it to go, and benefits all who attend) tells me that I am capable.  
  • I can accept myself exactly as I am as I strengthen my skills.  
  • I am worthy of consideration, kindness and patience as I learn and grow.  
  • I do not have to be perfect.
  • When I get clear on what I want and need and articulate it, my needs are met as if by magic.  
  • My feelings help me know what I want and need.   
  • I know something about emotions and nervous systems, and I can trust myself to come up with the words I need to adequately express myself.
  • This is not a competition.
  • I don’t need to compare myself with anyone else.
  • I can just be me.
  • I am good enough.
  • I’m not asking too much of myself.  
  • I do this with every client, reliably.  
  • The only thing is I am increasing the number of people I’m doing it with at one time.
  • I’m in this for the long haul.  
  • I am committed to learning how to care for myself well.
  • I am gaining more and more confidence in my ability to stay emotionally regulated and present in any group space, especially those that I call and facilitate.  

My responsibility is to hold the container knowing that I can respond appropriately, and guide the process.

  • I trust that I am adequately supported to do this, and that it is mine to do.
  • I give myself grace, knowing that I am human, and I will probably not do it perfectly, but that it will be okay.
  • Participants will be able to give me feedback that I can digest and integrate as appropriate.

What makes this risk worthwhile to me, is that in larger groups, we can accomplish extravagant healings in the context of the constellations, while learning even more about family systems and how they work, and how we’re more connected and alike than we ever knew.  And we can actually participate in and support the healing of the others in the group in ways we never imagined were possible–all while bringing that same healing to ourselves.  All of us benefit, and the effects ripple outward into our communities and the world.

Gleanings from the Dream

  • I’m pushing up against my comfort edge, learning something new.  
  • In the role of teacher/facilitator, my responsibility is to the class, ensuring safety, and making sure people have my calm and compassionate presence.  
  • This is not particularly new.  What is new is being recognized for it, asking for and receiving support for it, and getting paid for it.  
  • Neuropathways in my brain are being built, but many of the most essential ones are not even approaching finished.  
  • This could take some time.  
  • I need to pay attention to my habit of scrambling to fulfill my responsibilities to others.  I can relax and trust that all is as it should be.  I am not alone.  
  • I’m noticing that I have been efforting quite a bit, failing to recognize and honor the stage of development that I’m at.  There is risk in forcing things to happen before their time.  
  • Ultimately I have to surrender and accept that the way I need to go (the long and slow way around), while it seems cumbersome and inefficient, it is way more effective and efficient in the long run.  From where I currently stand, it is apparently the only way, and all I can do is accept that and work with it. 
  • Pay attention to the process.  There are profoundly beautiful and unexpected scenes along the way, not just at the end.
  • I am definitely not on my own.
  • I can always count on my wise, creative self who is always working behind the scenes to help me problem solve, and connect with other very capable and state-of-the-art supports so I can regroup and return to my creative goals and responsibilities.

Announcing my Body-Owner’s Manual

Happy October everybody. I wanted to let you know that the manual is up and available for purchase at Amazon. However, it is also available in PDF or Word format. Just let me know if you’d like your own copy. Just send me an e-mail and I’d be happy to give that to you for free.

To me it feels tragic that a person can go through any significant portion of their lives feeling alone and unsupported!  I’d like to say that at the ripe old age of 56 I have put this feeling thoroughly and completely behind me. And I think this manual is what turned the key. I am so so so so excited!! I’ll tell you a little secret: I started taking tango lessons!!!!

But in all seriousness, the feeling of isolation, having only oneself to count on, and chronic touch deficit is entirely too prevalent in our society, and only exacerbated by Covid-19 and our political divisions. It is my belief that the current state of our country has its cause deep in early relational trauma, which leaves people feeling that they are different, alone, and lacking in essential resources and belonging.  And people who feel like this are susceptible to the messages and shenanigans of narcissists and sociopaths. They have yet to find a durable and supportive tribe or connect with stable roots.  As they move through life, these feelings become a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

Body Owner’s Guide for the Stewards of the New Earth: My Meta Self Owner’s Guide offers you eight chapters, channeled by eight loving ethereal masters, offering nuggets of wisdom in a format that can be read from start to finish or opened at random to spark your creative juices and inspire you to reach for more of what your soul is longing for.  This handy reference book includes affirmations, dream interpretations and more, with the intention of bringing into focus a vision of a post-trauma future. 

Though this manual was created for me, it is also intended to inspire you to strengthen your connections with your own angels, guides and ancestors.  They are always there, and there is nothing they would like more than to see you learn how to care for yourself well.  May this set you on the path of creating your own personal volume.

Affirmations to Address Blocks to Sweetness and Abundance

And the kicker, which is a combination of my conditioning and what my body instinctively knows: This really is a matter of life or death. I die either way. If I’m not attuned to or if I demand what I want/need. The ultimate double bind.

(As infants) “our most intimate sense of self is created in our minute-to-minute exchanges with our caregivers.”
“Early attachment patterns create the inner maps that chart our relationships throughout life, not only in terms of what we expect from others, but also in terms of how much comfort and pleasure we can experience in their presence.”

Bessel van der Kolk in The Body Keeps the Score

I get to reach out for what I want.
I am more of who I came here to be when I reach for what I want.
I get connection that feels sweet to me.
I get to have friends who give of themselves, who have skills, who do their emotional work.
Doing without is not a virtue.
Doing without is a way of shutting down and blocking the flow of good.
Identifying with doing without is another form of anger, resentment and unfelt pain.
God and I are on the same team.
God tells me what I want and need by giving me emotional responses, which I can attune to, and learn from.
I can be involved in this process.
It isn’t some mysterious process that happens behind the scenes.
If I stay in denial about my emotions and needs, I am telling myself that I am not worthy of my own care and attention.
There is no reward for applying austerity measures in response to scarcity.
I am totally worthy of the sweet stuff.
Doing without is not what gets me what I should have had in the first place.
Doing without is not what gets me what is already available and free for the taking: the really sweet stuff of life.
The really sweet stuff of life is free.
I am the one who gets to say what I like and what is sweet to me, in each moment.
There is no should when it comes to my desires.
I am completely worthy of pursuing my heart’s desires.
Spirit is right behind me, encouraging me to reach for and satisfy exactly that.
My heart’s desires are gifts, and I can attune to them, clarify them, and explore them.
I am encouraged to act on my desires.
I can be deeply satisfied even when I am reaching for other things I don’t yet have.
Me being deeply satisfied hurts nobody!
I can get what I want and need.
I release the pain, frustration, anger, resentment, and terror of not being well-attuned to in infancy and childhood.
I can let that go now.

These affirmations sprung out of my head after working with a client who shares my blocks around moving from scarcity to abundance.

The fear and pain and resentment that is trapped in a human body from infancy and childhood can be expressed in words.  Once the words are stated, a part of oneself can feel seen, heard and validated.  Once the feelings are acknowledged, they can actually be released.

Here are the emotions (not truths) expressed in words:

• If I do without (the sweet stuff – these profoundly necessary things: connection, being attuned to well, expression of my desires) I will be rewarded.
• The real reward comes if I am self-disciplined and accept doing without (without complaining or being upset).
• I will be rewarded with what I “really” need (what God thinks I need).
• If I accept the lie and tell myself I’m not worthy – for some reason – of the sweet stuff in life, then I will subconsciously believe that doing without what I really want will get me what I should have; that I will be rewarded and that I will then be worthy.
• Sacrificing gets me the good stuff, that I may or may not like or understand, but God knows better than me, so I’ll trust and accept that.
• If I accept the other lie that what I really want is not a trustworthy or reliable gauge of what I should have, I’ll eventually get what I should have.
• I can’t trust my desires, for sure. That will bring me unhappiness.
• Acknowledging my desires and outwardly reaching for what I want is selfish and bad and will only result in unhappiness.
• I will be punished if I act on my desires.
• There will be serious negative consequences if my wants and needs are deeply satisfied. It will probably really hurt someone I love.
• It is impossible for my wants and needs to be satisfied, so it’s an infernal waste of time to pursue that or focus on them.
• This really is a matter of life or death. I die either way.
• If I’m not attuned to or if I ask directly for what I want/need.

Meet Mariana

Mariana is my Spanish teacher, my friend, my translator and now my publisher.  Here she describes her publishing house, Ban Pang – Casa de Harina Editorial.

Thanks to Mariana, my book is going to be available to speakers of Spanish anywhere in the world.  Being In My Body (Estar en mi Cuerpo) is now available in Spanish as a PDF.  Read more about the book here.  You can get your copy here.  By August 18 it will also be available in paperback!

Righteous Indignation

Righteous Indignation was one of the earliest forms of anger I could give myself permission to feel.  It was a “safe” anger.  Anger, after all, was an emotion we were told good people didn’t have.  But somehow, righteous indignation was different.  With it came a “knowing” that I was above the person who had wronged or offended me.  I could be indignant because “I would never do a thing like that”; I was protected by being on the “right” side of things.  Over the years I’ve dug in and learned more about the function of healthy anger and I have grown in other ways as well.  Judging oneself as better than another, however unconscious, has a natural consequence.  And judging another person as wrong for doing what they do is another bad habit that locks us into a certain rigid position and out of our own full humanness.  Many of my memories of having felt righteous indignation were in response to others having limits with me.  Not recognizing what I had just experienced as another person’s expression of a personal limit, I would feel awash with anger, with which I did not have the slightest idea what to do.  I would judge the person as off base and assure myself that I would never, ever do anything to anyone else that was so selfish or inconsiderate.  I can see that now.  All of us are different.  We each have our own motivations to do things, our own priorities, and our own ways of seeing the world.

I can now see that anger has such a powerful and useful function in our relationships, and I have learned that it can help us get clear on our own position, that it is temporary and that our relationships can and will survive it. That is, if we know what to do when others let us down and/or we experience anger and disappointment with them.

First, it’s important to know that not being allowed to express anger as young ones was damaging to us, and made us develop alternative strategies that end up being disastrous in adult relationships.

Once we realize this, we can begin to get curious about the feelings we might have felt, explored, and learned about as children if our anger had been treated as acceptable, and our other feelings acknowledged – if we’d had the support we needed to move past the anger.  For instance, to feel the disappointment, grief, vulnerability, fear, or embarrassment underneath.  And with this knowledge as children, we could have moved forward into adult relationships much differently.

Instead of leaping to judge others as wrong and feeling righteously indignant, we could have considered the possibility that we might be feeling hurt or frightened, and we might have risked sharing our experience with someone who could validate our feelings and help us work through them.  Often that is all that is needed to get the full benefit of our emotions.  Through this process, we deepen our understanding of ourselves, allow ourselves to be seen, and work past the uncomfortable feelings without responding in immature ways and damaging our relationships.

The flip side, of course, is trying, ever harder, to be blameless so that we can somehow “earn” the status of “righteous enough” to be angry at those who have wronged us.

Too Much On Your To-Do List?

You work your tail off to get things done.  You find ways to do things efficiently (you have actually gotten really good at this) and you still have to put the sweat, blood, tears and hours in, and often it takes longer than you planned.  You end up feeling lousy because it “takes you so long to do things,” thinking that your aunt or your sister-in-law could have done it in half the time – right?  If you’re not criticizing yourself for not doing enough, then you disparage yourself for taking on too much – though you can’t imagine what you could possibly leave undone.  Especially during certain times of the year, or even certain years, or in certain phases there is just so much to do it can feel truly overwhelming.  Holiday time and extra travel can certainly leave me feeling this way.  Here is a secret trick I have learned that ALWAYS helps:

  1. Remind yourself that this phase is temporary.  Though it’s hard to see the end of it, there are certain things you can do that will help in the short run.
  2. Make a list of AAAAALLLLLL the things that have to be done right now.
  3. Re-write the list so that it is actually 2 lists:

A.  The things I can and will do today (or tomorrow)

B.  The rest

  1. Ask your spiritual helpers, your higher self and the Universe to help you with everything on the B list while you are working as hard as you can on the A list (some call this God).  They can, will, and are already, but you have to take these items off the A list and ask your helpers for this to work really well.
  2. Focus your attention on what you have decided that you can do today.
  3. Each day, appreciate yourself for the items that you were able to get off the A list, reassess what you will commit to completing during the next day or two (or hour or two), and in the process notice how some of the things on the B list are taking care of themselves or progressing in some way that you did not have to be involved in.
  4. Thank yourself for remembering that getting things done is actually of secondary importance.  Being a decent person and staying connected to yourself and your loved ones is of primary importance – always.
  5. Notice and appreciate the help you are receiving from the Universe and from others and marvel at the magic you can do when you let go and focus only on what you can control.
  6. Go easy on yourself. It never helps to chastise yourself for not having the help you need.
  7. There are things on that list that only you can and should do. There are other things on the list that will take care of themselves on their own.  Over time you may see things that you’d love to ask others to help you with. But when you solicit the help of others remember that they may also be feeling the stress of their own responsibilities, regardless of how it appears.
  8. Ask your helpers to send you someone who would benefit from helping you (truly helping, truly capable, bringing positivity into your life).
  9. Putting items in your B list is trusting that you can be truly and abundantly supported, and letting go of rigid ideas about how things will turn out. If you can loosen your grip on them, you may be surprised at how they turn out even better than you expected!

10 Pointers for Dealing With Emotions

Finding yourself easily irritated with people you care about?  Noticing that your emotions are much closer to the surface of your awareness than they usually are?  You’re not alone.

Here’s what I recommend:

  1. Don’t panic.
  2. Regardless of how it feels, understand that your emotions are your friends.
  3. Breathe through the emotion (don’t act on it) and make a pledge to yourself that you will take some time to explore this emotion very soon.
  4. Keep your pledge. Make it a priority.  It is.
  5. When it’s possible, sit down in a quiet place with a journal and write it out. Chances are, the up-welling of emotion is telling you about an unmet need or a wound from the past.  Either way, naming your emotion, identifying what it’s telling you about your needs and/or making connections between the present and some past hurt or shock will go a long way in helping you to hold up your end in important relationships, and stay in integrity with yourself.
  6. After you have taken this time with yourself you will be more clear on what you need, what you are and aren’t willing to tolerate or settle for, and you may now be in a position to share what you have learned with the person you were interacting with when the emotion surfaced.
  7. Keep your eye on the prize. In your heart of hearts, what do you really want here?
  8. Remember that the other person is not responsible for the emotion. They may or may not need to know about the effect they had on you.  What you share is entirely up to you.
  9. If you want or need something that another person may be able to give you, ask them, remembering that a true request may be answered with a yes or a no. Be prepared for either.  Your desire or need is still valid whether that person can help you or not.  You may need to ask more than one person to help you meet important needs.  The process of asking helps you get clearer about what it is you are actually wanting and needing.  There is no shame in asking or receiving a no or a lukewarm yes.
  10. Often what you need is completely available to you without anyone else’s help. Take these steps for yourself and it may just be the first time in your memory that anyone has demonstrated to you that you are important and interesting enough for their time and attention.  Bringing curiosity and calm to the situation increases the odds that you will successfully find words to describe your experience in a kind and non-judgmental way, which is generally all that is needed to process an intense emotion.  Each time you do it your ability to use your emotions to inform and guide you will strengthen.

What If The Body Came With A User’s Manual?

What I’ve been noticing lately is a shift in what I feel and think about consuming sweet things (and other “yummy” things) and maybe about rules and rigidity in general.  The word restriction has been popping up for me.  Re STRICT ion, and also the association between eating disorders and “rules” about food.

We want to avoid being overly strict or rigid in our lives.  So it’s good to be on the lookout for arbitrary restrictions that we place on ourselves, and then get curious about them.  I mean, yeah, if I had concerns (evidence) that I might be growing a tumor, I would maybe want to cut out sugar for a while.  I might want to go on a sugar fast or something.  But the sugars actually do have a place on the pyramid.  The refined ones are up there on the very top, but fresh fruits and root vegetables are a source of important nutrients – at least for me….today.  Grains seem to be less important, but not something I need to cut out completely.  Highly processed foods are at the little bitty point up there on the top of the triangle, where the space they take up is very, very small in comparison to the balance of what I eat.

I know, there are so many rules out there about food and what is actually good for us, but what’s important is for us to take personal responsibility and adopt some kind of structure to help us respond to our unique and changing nutritional needs.  Guidelines help us navigate our lives and make choices from the myriad options we face every day.  But just make sure you don’t let your guidelines become too strict or rigid.

One of the guidelines I’ve been using lately (and not strictly) is based on the pH of the body.  Some foods, when we consume them, make our bodies more acidic, others more alkaline.  Remembering that if I eat four times as many alkaline foods as acidic foods – an excess of acidic foods creates acidity in the body which supports the proliferation of parasites and yeast which I understand to be precursors of many chronic illnesses – my body will function better.  If I fill my diet with mostly acidic foods, my body is going to get out of balance.  So while I don’t need to be constantly measuring or restricting myself, I can keep that idea in the back of my mind, and if I notice that my health is slipping, or my energy levels aren’t what I’d like them to be, or I’m feeling that something is off, I can make some adjustments in the types of foods I’m eating.

The other thing I’ve noticed is that starting a couple weeks ago I was having really strong cravings for something.  It wasn’t sugar, though I did veer toward fried things.  But when I sat with it, and asked my body what it really wanted, it seemed more like it was asking for more high quality proteins.  Also entering my awareness from various articles and conversations I was having was the idea that I was needing to increase my consumption of high quality proteins and fats.  So that is the direction I moved in.

In this phase of temporarily self-imposed monkhood, I realized I had begun to associate high-quality proteins and fats with unwanted expense.  So I picked up a small container of cheap, highly processed peanut butter, and quickly concluded that this wasn’t what my body was asking for.  It just didn’t taste like food.  A couple cans of tuna, some cashews and some queso fresco later, the cravings went away.  I will need to make a trip to the gringo getting-place and pick up some tahini and almond butter, which will set me back some $15 or so.  Not a whole lot in the scheme of things.  I’m on it.

Note to Self: If I notice myself skimping, I may need to re-assess whether I’m associating not having what I need with my worthiness or ability to have what I need.  If I can put some attention there, I can see pretty easily that I am worthy of adequate nutrition (what my body needs to stay healthy).  For me, it is sensible and correct to include healthy proteins and fats along with the wide variety of fresh produce that I can get for next to nothing here in Mexico.  I can also assess whether I have adequate margin in my budget to cover nuts, nut butters, avocados, high quality oils, and high quality meats, and usually I do.  I don’t need to go overboard, but I do have enough.  (These things are up there in the top of the pyramid, just under treats and sweets.)  And yes, they cost a bit, but they are also my medicine, one of my best ways of building and maintaining health.

There is no doubt about it, sweetness is something we all need, and if for some reason you have been prohibiting or limiting sweetness in your life, that’s something I recommend you pay some compassionate attention to.

In summary,
  • There are different kinds of edible sweets available to us in markets and selling establishments everywhere. And there is also sweetness available to us from every direction in the form of connections with nature and other beings.
  • If I build sweetness into my lifestyle, I won’t feel like I need to “steal” it (impulse purchases at the check-out lane, etc.).  Sweetness then becomes a normal, built-in feature of my life.  If I include having a cup of tea with a cookie, or even a few little cookies, every day, I have chosen to make sweetness a regular part of my life.  (I tried this and I noticed that I didn’t put any sugar in my tea in order to make it feel like a special treat.  This way, my treat is one that I’m allowed – whole-heartedly – not one I’m “getting away with,” or sneaking off to consume, hoping nobody notices.)
  • Craving sugars, in the past, has pointed to a lack of the sweetness that I can only get through warm and authentic human connections and communion with nature. Now that I have lots of interesting and satisfying interpersonal connections in my life, I don’t notice as many cravings for sweets anymore.  This shift has required me to really pay attention and make adjustments as I go, based on what tastes good to me, and what feels good in my body after I eat it.  It’s an ongoing process, but a super-important one.
  • We are being bombarded by campaigns crafted by the processed food industry to increase our consumption of their “yummy” products (laden with high quantities of salt, sugar and fat), and what seems “normal” can get skewed pretty quickly if we’re not aware and purposeful about what we purchase and consume.

Add to Body-Owner’s Manual:

Having Cravings?
  • Check to see if you’ve been skimping on the relatively expensive high-quality foods that make you feel grounded and well-cared-for and probably build health and a strong immune system. If you are getting enough of those kinds of food, you’ll be less likely to crave those “kiddy” foods – the foods that the immature self wants – which help us know that at some level we are crying out in response to feeling unmet or unseen or uncared for.
  • Make sure to reach out to others and invest time in mutually nurturing friendships.
  • Connect with nature in some way that feels satisfying or nurturing to you.
Noticing Strictness or Rigidity?
  • Being strict is no substitute for staying as attuned and available as possible to the feedback that your body provides. There are a lot of guidelines out there, and if you find one that resonates for you, great!  Experiment with it and notice how your body reacts.  Notice cravings, energy levels, mood and immune system functioning.
  • Realize that your needs change over time, and the guidelines you use will need to be used with flexibility and openness to adjustment as your needs change.

For more on becoming an ally with your body, check out Toni’s Mid-MO Tour, happening in October 2017.

 

Toni Rahman Embodied – Mid-MO Tour 2017

After being south of the border for 4 years, Toni will be coming to Mid-MO in October to share two things:

1) Being In My Body: What You Might Not Have Known About Trauma, Dissociation & The Brain

  • Coffee & Conversation at Heart Body & Soul, followed by Book Signing on October 7, 10:30 am
  • Daniel Boone Regional Library – Local Author Fair on October 28, 10:00 am-2:00 pm

2) Pop-Up Clinics – a new way of networking and connecting with yourself and the abundance around you.  Read an article about Pop-Up Clinics in Ajijic Mexico here.

You can hear an interview with Toni on the Trauma Therapist Podcast here.

Self Abuse and the Inner Drama Triangle: Learning to Parent Yourself Well

What is the Drama Triangle, and how does it tie in with early relational trauma and embodiment?

When children witness the Drama Triangle being played by their family members in childhood, and it becomes their model for relating, they miss out on opportunities to develop healthy relational skills, and real problem solving skills and this chaotic dynamic becomes the Inner Blueprint for dealing with stress.  The Weinholds say that the Drama Triangle is the primary cause of childhood trauma, and I’m with them.  “For children who experience or watch this dynamic, their brains file situation-specific pictures, words, thoughts and feelings related to Drama Triangle experiences.  This is the core definition of Trauma.”  Plenty of research is also showing that early childhood stress and unmet relational needs are the foundation for trauma in general, but I’ll talk more about that in a later post.

When an individual of any age lives in an environment that the Drama Triangle creates, the nervous system responds by flooding the system with stress hormones which effectively put the body on the ready for fight or flight.  Disconnecting from one’s feelings is commonly a part of this response. And since there is no “end to the crisis” in sight (in the absence of the skills needed to exit the Drama Triangle) the body does not return to its relaxed, post-crisis state, and natural resolution to the crisis does not occur.

It takes willingness, awareness, and commitment to acquire the skills necessary to help the body return to its natural state of equilibrium. And removing the violence and chaos that the Drama Triangle creates are the important first steps.

I am so pleased to announce:

 

This Online Course is based on the Drama Triangle and how it can play out inside us (with the different parts of the triangle represented by different parts of us in our minds: The Victim, The Rescuer & The Persecutor).  This 6-week course will break the Drama Triangle down into simple terms so that it can be more easily understood.  The skills you take away are designed to help stop inner abuse and self sabotage in its tracks.

During the course, participants will learn how to replace the Drama Triangle with its magical counterpart, the Empowerment Dynamic, to help overcome early relational trauma.  They will also gain a framework for better knowing when and how to trust themselves, which naturally impacts knowing when and how to safely trust other people.

Depending on your level of enrollment, you can take the course alone, receive two one-hour Skype sessions to support your work, or purchase the Deluxe Bundle which includes two one-hour personal coaching sessions and e-mail support between sessions.

The class includes a series of lessons, visual diagrams, quizzes, assignments, a sharing forum, and other materials to supplement learning, facilitate growth, heal early relational trauma and remove barriers to the forging of safe and lasting connections.

Now available!

Fill out this brief survey if you’d like to know more.