This spread perfectly describes my takeaway from a recent Constellations Circle. Absolutely love Jessica Dore’s Tarot for Change
Six of Cups The intellect sifts out what is true; the will reaches out for what is good. But there is a third dimension to reality: Beauty. Our whole being resonates with what is beautiful. When we experience beauty, we start to speak about emotions, and the more we are touched on an emotional level, the more we seek to celebrate the experience, and it’s there that we begin to create ritual. Benedictine Monk David Steindl-Rast writes that all rituals have to do with, and celebrate, belonging.
The tenderness of the image on the Six of Cups cards tells a secret.
What if, all I’m trying to do here is to create rituals that have the potential to mark, preserve, and facilitate a return to emotional experiences that are sacred to us?
To feel safe is sacred.
To be soothed is sacred.
I am a lover of beauty and belonging. I am a lover of deep emotional resonance. I am just trying to recall some sacred feeling.
I am exploring new ways to recall those feelings – and new rituals for feeling safe and soothed.
Page of Wands: Childlike Enthusiasm, Innocence, Wonder, Youth. Knowing absolutely what I like and don’t like. According to James Hillman (along with Bert Hellinger): We each come into the world with a calling.
There is something (apart from nature/nurture) unique about each of us – a part of our being that is connected to our “daemon,” which was similar to the Roman concept of genius: Something that you are, that you have, that is not the same as the personality you think you are.
Mythologist Martin Shaw: as adults, too many of us have become “heavily defended against experiences of our own beauty.”
What do I love?
What captivates my attention?
What grips me?
What lights me up? What claims me?
Invitation to reconnect with something raw and original within us, something many of us relinquish as we cross the threshold into adulthood.
My specific calling is never far from reach.
Wands show me how to protect the spark and keep it safe so that it can warm me, and also warm whole villages.
Nine of Cups
Values Clarification. If I’m going to do the hard work of change, what will make it worth it? A life compass. Am I moving toward or away from what is precious?
Knowing what you want is deceptively challenging.
Exploring what we desire can be hard because:
Often the physical reality of our lives doesn’t line up with what we desire.
To accept what we want requires us also to accept the pain of not having it.
Identifying what’s personally meaningful and articulating desires from that place is often in and of itself a whole healing process.
Making a wish sounds like fun until you realize you have no idea what you want. Until you realize you’re not even sure what it feels like to truly want something and are not convinced you’d know it if you felt it. This experience of finding a void where a wish ought to be can be profoundly distressing.
Not knowing what you want can bring up shame. “I’m 60 years old. I should know who I am by now.”
Making a wish might be hard because:
Your feelings were constantly invalidated, so you don’t trust your own sense of what you like and long for.
You’ve experienced a lot of frustration trying to get your needs met in life, which makes it difficult to want to try. Feeling hopeless about or quickly shutting down anything you have an inkling of really wanting is how you’ve learned to feel safe.
The people you relied on in childhood were unpredictable or erratic, so you developed the skill of scanning and tending to other people’s needs at the expense of your own needs as being necessarily dictated by the needs of others, so it’s hard to untangle them.
You developed a protective strategy commonly known as perfectionism, which means you organize your life around avoiding contact with any potential indications of being inadequate, defective, or unlovable. Wishing for or trying new things is a direct threat to that defense.
When you were growing up, no one around you had any coping skills, so you didn’t get any, either, and instead you carry an intense fear of the feelings that come with wanting something and not getting it. Fused with a belief that those feelings are unmanageable, the stakes of having a true wish are simply too high.
A heart’s desire sprouts from a sense of self that’s sturdy enough to have preferences independent of external factors.
There are so many factors that go into the maturation of a budding sense of self, and probably infinite ways to botch it, so even though adolescence is technically the time when we are “supposed” to be doing the work of figuring out who we are and what we like, there are enormous swaths of us doing it in all decades of life. And we’re often doing it not just once but over and over again as the conditions of our lives change, and with them, our wants and needs.
Sometimes, learning to make a good wish is the work.
Credit goes to Jessica Dore, author of Tarot for Change: Using the Cards for Self-care, Acceptance and Growth
In my travels I’ve met people with varying opinions about bamboo. Some love it. It grows fast. It’s tough and strong, durable; doesn’t break down for a long, long time. For this reason, it is a good choice as a renewable resource. A woman I met in Mexico told me she was dedicated to removing bamboo that had been planted and become a nuisance. She teaches people what can be done with bamboo, and she finds new homes for the plants when she can. So inspiring, the things people find as their calling in life.
I was thinking about this woman when I was working in a new garden patch in my back yard. Last fall, I decided to reclaim a patch of earth from a particularly stubborn, tenacious grass that grows back there, which has been serving to cover the ground quite well for decades, requiring nothing but sun and rain and an occasional trim. But I decided to put in a garden, with watermelon, basil, parsley, mint, greens and tomatoes. And now I am face to face with this plant – grass, bamboo’s second cousin – that has root systems deep and well established, intertwined and strong and formidable. It meets the blade of my shovel like iron. It snickers at my attempts to remove it. So I get down in there with my hands. I can find the roots when I get under them, when the soil is damp, and when I’m not in a hurry. Exerting myself in this way, connecting with dirt and plants really does something for my soul.
In the office, I’ve been fielding more requests for support groups and other types of groupwork. That is where a lot of my creative energy has been going as of late. The pattern that is showing up in my one-on-one work has been the particularly tough, entrenched impact of intergenerational trauma that is blocking real progress and growth in the lives of my clients. It shows up as stubborn and tenacious and sometimes appears impermeable to change.
The feeling is of being really mired in something that keeps sucking one in. It’s requiring me to take a different look at the way I can offer myself in service to them. Just so you know, it’s always mutually beneficial because my clients always mirror me and help me move through the processes I desire to work through as they do their work, and they always inspire me, whether they realize it or not.
I’m noticing that this new shift in the work I’m called to do demands a new level of humility. It demands that I continuously search out new resources. I am pushed to continually search for the right tools, and to make care for myself a sacred priority.
The really good thing about this is that the kind of trauma my clients are bringing to me these days responds to Systemic and Family Constellations Therapy.
And that is what I want to tell you about now. Here is a brief description, in case I haven’t already shared this with you. Over the next weeks, I plan to share on some various themes that I’ve come across in my studies as I’ve been working toward certification. I’m proud to say that yesterday I completed and submitted my application for Advanced Certification as a Systemic and Family Constellations Facilitator. I also bought and planted those herbs and greens in my little garden patch, and now it’s raining. I look forward to seeing what comes of this new vision – of working with others in groups to make real shifts in our experience, to removing obstacles to our being truly generative, vibrant, and expressive of who we came here to be. I hope they have a short acronym for Systemic and Family Constellations Therapist Facilitator, Advanced! I’ll share the certificate here once I get it!
My most recent vision is this:
To more powerfully perform from a place of embodiment so that I can stimulate and support the change that is desired; to collaborate with others to bring about not just a quick fix but transformation in the felt sense of people that I work with – that we finally know what it feels like to be held, to be supported in community, and believe that there is Something Bigger that we can lean into. And that joy and peace are our natural state, and that it is available to us in these bodies on this earth. To know what it feels like to be supported to move toward what we want, what we desire, what we need to make this life truly matter. And to celebrate all the movement (large and small) toward this goal.
Interpersonal Neurobiology. This is a pairing of words that always gets my attention. Some days it makes me feel inadequate because I haven’t chosen this as a field of study, per se. Some days I feel sad because I want to have the title Interpersonal Neurobiologist, and I don’t. But today it just makes me sit in wonder, pure awe of the universe we live in, and the things we get to do here.
I guess I could say that I know a fair amount about interpersonal dynamics. I could say, also, that I have made a decent attempt to inform myself about the nervous system and how the nervous systems of individuals respond to other nervous systems, and how we come into our lives here on earth with nervous systems that aren’t fully developed, and we need the nervous systems of other people, particularly our mothers, in order to develop and properly grow and mature. I can unarguably claim over half a century of experience trying to figure out how to regulate my own nervous system, and have actually had some success in the past decade or so. And now, from a place where I have some agency and confidence around my ability to calm my own nervous system, I am discovering that I am excited about getting even better at it. And excited, also, that this can only be done with the help of and in the company of other people. I can honestly say that this–at this particular moment–terrifies me almost as much as it thrills me. I know this because of a nightmare that woke me up this morning. I come back to that later.
But whether it is a community potluck, a group of people sitting around a bonfire, an online class, group therapy, a 12-Step Group, or Thanksgiving Dinner at Grandma’s, people can come together and actually be better off from having done so. Am I the only one feeling the profound potential here? Because if I’m honest, tapping into and using this potential has not worked well for me in too many contexts in the past, and since that has only relatively recently changed for me, I want to compare notes with those of you who are still reaching and yearning and working for rich and deep and satisfying and inspiring and gorgeous and transformative interactions with other humans as the new normal.
As I survey what I see as our dominant society and culture, as humans in the 21st Century, we have created, on the grandest scale, groups, systems, institutions and organizations that at best are failing to produce what we most need in the world today and at worst represent all of the things we loathe and wish with all our hearts to avoid. Yes, there are good things happening, but I am not willing to dismiss this overarching state of affairs right now. Families too often fail to protect and nurture their children, churches intentionally terrify and bewilder us and extract our resources, governing bodies fail to come together to represent or serve our best interests. And I don’t even begin to have words to talk about our economy. Resources, time, money and life force energy is being wasted in all the ways. We try, like swashbucklers, to make these groups and organizations work for us, to do our part; to do the right thing. But in the end, maybe the only way to maintain our sanity is to accept that we can’t and never will be able to make these groups work for us. And to accept that it’s actually okay, because we can get what we want and need (and have a whole lot of fun while we’re at it) anyway. (I do realize that there are people out there whose truth it is to work in institutions, and my hat’s off to you. I don’t diminish the value of what you are doing. It’s just clearly not my gig.)
What if it’s true that there is absolutely nothing stopping us from convening and collaborating our intentions and energies in a different way? What if we can count on ourselves and our own senses to know what we desire, so that we can join forces and explore and create and play? And what if organizing with safe others for creative play is actually the solution to all our problems? That is the realm in which my interests lie at the moment.
As I push myself to do things outside of the familiar; outside of my personal comfort zone, I am benefiting in so many ways. In preparation for our next Family Constellations Circle, I can identify, name and use my fears, my emotions, my worries, to build reassurances and encouragements and positive statements to use for myself to help me calm my nervous system (because Toni, who do you think you are to be doing something so bold and outside the box? is notably not calming my nervous system).
Spoiler Alert: this post ends with the list of affirmations I plan to use for the next couple weeks. Feel free to use those affirmations that have meaning for you, and use any others as seed ideas to build your own affirmations if that helps you to reassure your vulnerable inner children.
I’m pretty sure my angels and guides woke me up this morning with a dream and a realization that I need to double down on identifying and removing hidden obstacles to speaking from my heart in real time. Because this is the reason being in groups has not worked for me in the past.
My work now is to use my dream material to help me notice and name, one by one, the things that may keep me from speaking freely from my heart in real time. See if any of these resonate for you too.
Shame about being so caught up in my own anxiety and stress that I can’t receive information from my senses about what’s happening in the moment. Disappointment in myself for not performing up to my own standards or as well as someone else who I’m sure could do it better. Shame for not being in control of my own body/nervous system.
Fear of being blindsided by a trigger reflex, which shuts down the ability to enjoy connecting with others. Fear of missing the juiciest and sweetest parts because I’m so fixated on something that “should” be and isn’t, or getting it perfect.
Fear of having to pretend to be completely present, calm and relaxed, while actually feeling a bit stunned and not sure I can connect to the words I need to express what I want to express and to accomplish my goals. Shame because I’m not feeling the calm and relaxed and grounded state I’m asking my group to feel. Fear that I won’t have what I need when I need it. Fear that I am inadequate, a fraud. Fear that what I have to offer (me being me, with my ideas, my contribution, my emotions, my processes and needs) is not of value.
Fear of inadequately or incompletely expressing the breadth and depth of myself, my knowledge and lived experience. Being misunderstood. Fear of selling myself short, fear of disappointing people, of not delivering what others want and need. Fear that I can’t trust myself and my instincts.
Fear of not having the integration I need to express myself in an engaging way when I want to. Fear of not being healed enough or skilled enough or capable enough or worthy of attention and trust.
(and get this) Fear of actually getting what I’m asking for; of truly succeeding. Fear that if I succeed, I won’t be able to handle the big feelings and issues and problems that come with that.
Chronic, unconscious muscular tension. Unconsciously clenching muscles. In the body in general, including but not limited to the physiological avenue of expression. Chronic, unconscious tension in the body restricts the free flow of information from the body to the brain and vice versa. I suspect that I have yet-to-be-identified muscular tension that keeps me from expressing emotions as they come up and advocating for myself, especially in circumstances where I feel I might be out of line somehow, or going against dominant paradigms (which is just asking for bad things to happen, right?) Women can’t be openly powerful or successful (without paying for it). It’s not safe to be powerful. It’s not safe to openly be a channel for the divine.
And at the bottom of all of that I notice a subtle but very primal fear of being cast out, being rejected, being dismissed, being exiled, or otherwise payingthe price.
Affirmations
I’ve actually been experimenting with bringing more consciousness to my desires and actively manifesting more of what I desire in my life.
The results I’m getting are practically immediate, mostly delightful, new and surprising, and I am learning about myself as I go along.
I get to make adjustments when unexpected things crop up and I become aware of needs I didn’t know about before.
I am capable of learning from my experiences.
I’m actually not too bad at this.
It is my responsibility to value and honor myself by building in spaciousness and care and attunement around any group offering I decide to make (risks I take in new areas of my life, around tender new skills I am just developing).
I accept that responsibility and make self care a priority, fully realizing that I will perform better and feel better about my performance if I am better prepared, physically, spiritually, emotionally, psychologically.
I have all the support and guidance I need to adequately prepare for these events.
The fact that I can imagine how it feels when I can relax and draw on my experience and knowledge to hold the space well (help my group members feel comfortable and prepared to participate in a group that goes the way I want it to go, and benefits all who attend) tells me that I am capable.
I can accept myself exactly as I am as I strengthen my skills.
I am worthy of consideration, kindness and patience as I learn and grow.
I do not have to be perfect.
When I get clear on what I want and need and articulate it, my needs are met as if by magic.
My feelings help me know what I want and need.
I know something about emotions and nervous systems, and I can trust myself to come up with the words I need to adequately express myself.
This is not a competition.
I don’t need to compare myself with anyone else.
I can just be me.
I am good enough.
I’m not asking too much of myself.
I do this with every client, reliably.
The only thing is I am increasing the number of people I’m doing it with at one time.
I’m in this for the long haul.
I am committed to learning how to care for myself well.
I am gaining more and more confidence in my ability to stay emotionally regulated and present in any group space, especially those that I call and facilitate.
My responsibility is to hold the container knowing that I can respond appropriately, and guide the process.
I trust that I am adequately supported to do this, and that it is mine to do.
I give myself grace, knowing that I am human, and I will probably not do it perfectly, but that it will be okay.
Participants will be able to give me feedback that I can digest and integrate as appropriate.
What makes this risk worthwhile to me, is that in larger groups, we can accomplish extravagant healings in the context of the constellations, while learning even more about family systems and how they work, and how we’re more connected and alike than we ever knew. And we can actually participate in and support the healing of the others in the group in ways we never imagined were possible–all while bringing that same healing to ourselves. All of us benefit, and the effects ripple outward into our communities and the world.
Gleanings from the Dream
I’m pushing up against my comfort edge, learning something new.
In the role of teacher/facilitator, my responsibility is to the class, ensuring safety, and making sure people have my calm and compassionate presence.
This is not particularly new. What is new is being recognized for it, asking for and receiving support for it, and getting paid for it.
Neuropathways in my brain are being built, but many of the most essential ones are not even approaching finished.
This could take some time.
I need to pay attention to my habit of scrambling to fulfill my responsibilities to others. I can relax and trust that all is as it should be. I am not alone.
I’m noticing that I have been efforting quite a bit, failing to recognize and honor the stage of development that I’m at. There is risk in forcing things to happen before their time.
Ultimately I have to surrender and accept that the way I need to go (the long and slow way around), while it seems cumbersome and inefficient, it is way more effective and efficient in the long run. From where I currently stand, it is apparently the only way, and all I can do is accept that and work with it.
Pay attention to the process. There are profoundly beautiful and unexpected scenes along the way, not just at the end.
I am definitely not on my own.
I can always count on my wise, creative self who is always working behind the scenes to help me problem solve, and connect with other very capable and state-of-the-art supports so I can regroup and return to my creative goals and responsibilities.
Many years ago I was introduced to this mysterious, powerful, and beautiful therapeutic modality called Family Constellations. Immediately fascinated and enchanted, I sought out a group or a therapist here in the Midwest, and had my own constellation done. I had to drive all the way to Sedalia, MO and the group that assembled there was quite small, yet still powerful. That therapist has since passed on, and I’ve moved forward in my life as well. In Mexico, I learned that Family Constellations work is extremely popular, and most of the therapists I met had been trained in it, use it in their therapies, and many offer regular groups. In 2013 I attended a 5-day “congress” about Family Constellations in Acapulco, Mexico, attended by a huge number of people, with speakers from all over the world, and my adventures south of the border kicked off that way – in the realm of the magical, Explicando lo Inexplicable (Explaining the Unexplainable). I began attending these groups in Guadalajara as often as I could. Often they brought me to tears, even in Spanish, because they worked with something much older and much more powerful than words. And I could feel things shifting and reaching greater integration in my body, a deeper, very resonant feeling that my problems are not so unique, and that so many of them have been passed down, from past generations. In the world of Family Constellations, things can be put right though. Repairs can be made, and it is a truly beautiful and awe-inspiring thing.
I’m telling you about this now because I have a desire to play with the subtle energies of this therapeutic modality, and as I am still learning how groups in general work, I won’t be charging what most constellators charge. And I want it to be available, even for people who have limited resources. Contact me if you want more information, if you think you and a few people in your community might like to set something up. We need anywhere from 8 to 18 people, and a place that is quiet and large enough for us to move around in.
I can see how my exposure to Family Constellations as well as my training and background in CranioSacral Therapy both shape and affect my EMDR practice, and I now use a kind of hybrid of all three with my clients. We have started a constellation group in Columbia and our first four circles have been extremely powerful. Having the ability to take my work into a group context excites me no end. I’ve included a couple links so you can check it out below. Let me know what you think.
Rupert Sheldrake talks about Family Constellations and the morphogenic field. You may want to Google that topic and follow your own curiosity.
The swirling blue on white figures in the image I include with this post make me think of the “as above, so below” phenomenon that we see in nature, and the correspondence between different planes of existence. Here, I almost see both the neurons that make up any living organism (or a brain!) and the humans that make up any living community. The design was part of the 2013 Constellations Congress I attended in Acapulco.
Dear English speaking visitors, my first language is still English. I promise, I’ll return to English soon. I love you! But if you feel so inclined, please pass the word. This is a very exciting moment for me.
I elect to follow beauty, harmony, joy, resonance. I elect to explore new levels of peace and playfulness. I elect to be in the moment, following the guidance of my heart and my infinite potential. I elect to release shame, guilt, obligation, bitterness, urges to control, judgment, comparisons, projections. I elect to allow the beauty of this moment, of this time, to fully enter my consciousness. Spirit, thank you for this opportunity to be more of what I came here to be. I am open.
Thank you for these glorious playmates you sent into my life. Help me to love them and myself well. Help me to honor and cherish them and myself in the ways that glorify you, and all of life. Help us all to move through this time of great awakening. Help us know the gods and goddesses we are. May love rise up and conquer fear and brokenness in all of the dark places as well as the light. Today, Election Day, 2020. May it be a glorious resurrection of love. May we all trust, regardless of any illusions that might suggest otherwise, that it is so. Amen.
Happy October everybody. I wanted to let you know that the manual is up and available for purchase at Amazon. However, it is also available in PDF or Word format. Just let me know if you’d like your own copy. Just send me an e-mail and I’d be happy to give that to you for free.
To me it feels tragic that a person can go through any significant portion of their lives feeling alone and unsupported! I’d like to say that at the ripe old age of 56 I have put this feeling thoroughly and completely behind me. And I think this manual is what turned the key. I am so so so so excited!! I’ll tell you a little secret: I started taking tango lessons!!!!
But in all seriousness, the feeling of isolation, having only oneself to count on, and chronic touch deficit is entirely too prevalent in our society, and only exacerbated by Covid-19 and our political divisions. It is my belief that the current state of our country has its cause deep in early relational trauma, which leaves people feeling that they are different, alone, and lacking in essential resources and belonging. And people who feel like this are susceptible to the messages and shenanigans of narcissists and sociopaths. They have yet to find a durable and supportive tribe or connect with stable roots. As they move through life, these feelings become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Body Owner’s Guide for the Stewards of the New Earth: My Meta Self Owner’s Guide offers you eight chapters, channeled by eight loving ethereal masters, offering nuggets of wisdom in a format that can be read from start to finish or opened at random to spark your creative juices and inspire you to reach for more of what your soul is longing for. This handy reference book includes affirmations, dream interpretations and more, with the intention of bringing into focus a vision of a post-trauma future.
Though this manual was created for me, it is also intended to inspire you to strengthen your connections with your own angels, guides and ancestors. They are always there, and there is nothing they would like more than to see you learn how to care for yourself well. May this set you on the path of creating your own personal volume.
I remember, in 2013, prior to my second flight from the Midwest (the first being to Bangladesh, in 1994), giving my clients the following homework: Take a week to be just as lazy, selfish and irresponsible as you can be. I’m not kidding. If that is not possible, take two days. If that isn’t possible, then at the very minimum, take four hours. That was the advice I, myself, needed to take and so I finally did. But it took me this long to realize what that would actually look like, and what it really meant. In hindsight I wonder how possible it was for any of my clients to do this assignment without drastically changing their environment – the cultural, political and economic setting of the USA in the 21st Century. But why, you might be asking. Why this assignment? I will give you the long explanation now.
So many of us, as survivors of early relational trauma, have been programmed for survival, though the danger is not what we think it is. So many of us have an inner critic that berates us mercilessly, perpetuating feelings of shame and self-doubt, if not self-loathing. It hurls names at its person, and depending on the words their family used to express their unresolved pain and shame, these might have included “lazy,” “narcissistic,” “selfish,” “stupid,” “irresponsible,” etc. Many of my clients are learning what to do with the part of themselves that spews these toxic messages. What we are learning together is that this abusive part is actually an automatic reflex designed to “protect” its person from feeling the overwhelming feelings of pain and loneliness from the past. It protects us from the pain and overwhelm of one or more tender, vulnerable parts that are stuck in the past, needing our help to get them out. But it is designed to remain undetected to our conscious mind, and that is what makes it tricky to deal with in a straightforward way.
Until we do bring consciousness, care and compassion to these unresolved issues, these parts will continue to get activated and wreak havoc in our lives. I knew this when I created Self-Abuse & The Drama Triangle, but I’m realizing it at a deeper level now, as I recognize with renewed clarity what a tremendous amount of my energy can still be wasted in self-doubt, self-flagellation and something just under the surface that is keeping me from feeling like my clear and shining adult self.
My inner critic is 14-15 years old. She feels indignant and she believes that she can’t stop or she will be just as outrageously unforgivable and deserving of repudiation as the ones responsible for the violence and neglect she experienced in the past. She believes that if she lets up, she will fail us both (she is operating from her adolescent perspective with righteous indignation and her 14-15-year-old determination to keep me from getting hurt). And so she continues to do her thing, just beneath the level of my awareness. Her toxic message – this survival reflex – gets kicked up as I diligently work to reclaim my original, First Nature, and say NO to the generations-old programming that kept me small and quiet by telling me that the world is an unsafe place and that I should not expect to be loved.
This reflex kicks in to preserve the status quo. With the incisiveness and sophistication of a terrified 15-year old, it scrutinizes and second guesses my motives, my choices, my decisions, my reactions, my performance, my physical appearance. She can go on and on and on before I recognize what is happening in there. When I ignore this dynamic over time, it chips away at my confidence, at my general sense of well-being, my health and my Life Force. This part does not trust me because of mistakes she is sure I have made in the past. She can be seriously abusive because she is terrified and she doesn’t believe she can ask for help and get it, and because she believes our lives and integrity depend on her keeping up this internal battery and its concomitant feelings of shame and self-contempt.
I am thinking of one of my clients who has figured out how to talk to his angry little one inside. His is only five years old. He shows me how firm but loving boundaries can be instituted and maintained with this little one, who has brought so much destruction to his closest relationships in the past. When he feels his angry little one starting to get agitated, he checks in with it. He reassures it. He has even learned to be preemptive. In the mornings he snuggles up with it, telling it that it is okay, and that he is big enough to hold it and protect it. You are safe now, he tells it. You can trust me to take your needs seriously. I love you. I am here now. I will not abandon you. It is your job to play and have fun now. You don’t have to be big and angry to keep us safe anymore.
Another client too, has learned to take a bit of time to attune to the disturbance and the players inside. Like mine, his is 14-15-years-old and has a tongue that slices him to shreds if he allows it. He is learning to talk to this inner critic softly but with assurance, pointing out the landmarks of his growth and success, what he is doing right. Reminding them both that he does not deserve to be punished, and never did. As the inner critic softens, he is freer to accept himself and his past mistakes and release the remaining shame, self-loathing, self-doubt and self-censure that he has stockpiled but failed to examine all these years. Together we form the alliance necessary to glean the wisdom from his life experience, to acknowledge his successes, and discern his real needs and the real maturity he has gained through his efforts and experiences instead of just trying to hide, amputate or erase this terrified, vulnerable part of himself, along with his imperfect past.
We need to be able to attune to and acknowledge the wisdom beneath the disruption, this hidden chaos inside. Because what other recourse does the powerless have than to revolt? The parts that feel powerless and abandoned need to be listened to because they showed up in the first place for a reason. They have wisdom that is profound and irreplaceable. But we do need to get support and take the time necessary to find out what is actually happening in there.
Just as important as recognizing that they are there for a reason and having compassion for these tender parts, it is necessary that we let them know that they are not allowed to abuse us or others anymore. We need to value ourselves and have enough substance – enough Self – to put into place firm boundaries. Though we have been programmed otherwise, we need to be more selfish to do this. As my sense of Self strengthens, that’s what keeping my commitment to doing a daily meditation feels like for me. It is a revolutionary act, holding nurturing routines in place, adjusting them as I grow to fit my continuously changing needs. And it is what is necessary to leave the status quo and achieve the change I really want.
This morning, as I put the finishing touches on my owner’s manual, I realize that I have been newly reconnected with envy and how much this emotion has impacted my life without my even knowing it. I was so clueless of envy, never thinking that word described any part of me. Well now I see how anger, jealousy and envy were so central to my life and experience, and how thoroughly I blotted them out, pushing them under so they could be hidden, so I could maintain my image of a “good girl.” Now I can see how this has contributed to the stifling of my reaching reflex. How it crippled my ability to want what I wanted and even to receive what was sweet and available all around me.
Now, I am reclaiming my envy, and with it perfecting my own reaching reflex. Every hint of envy is my new best friend because it tells me what I want more of. It no longer needs to remain hidden. As with anger, it can now inform me. I am so grateful for everything in my current life that is helping me develop my reaching reflex. Films, Netflix, free time to reflect on my relationship with people I have judged as selfish, irresponsible or lazy. Newly admiring their ability to enjoy their lives and allowing myself to distill my own understanding of my unique constitution, tastes, values and desires as similar and distinct from theirs. I am so thankful for my clients. Each one of them a tremendous gift. So thankful for each day, a dance, a step closer to a life that is even more filled with the things that I have been afraid to ask for. A calmable nervous system. People who help me calm my nervous system. People with whom I can and do regularly play and explore the wonders of this experience called Life.
As I sit here with rubber bands between my molars, I feel the “opening” of my avenue of expression. It’s uncomfortable but it is fundamentally changing me. Expanding my ability to experience joy and pleasure. Expanding my ability to express and share myself. I feel everything falling into place just as it should.
I am learning to enjoy liminal space these days, not exactly knowing what will happen next, and it’s uncomfortable sometimes. But it’s okay. Better to be in this space than to jump prematurely to the next thing.
I vigilantly work on recognizing self-doubt when it comes up, I attend to the tender vulnerable feelings underneath, and step in to make sure that nobody is abusing me inside.
Here’s what I can watch out for, lurking in the shadows:
Rumination
Self-judgment
Feeling critical of myself
Comparing myself with others
Feeling critical toward others
Negative self-talk (You’re irresponsible. Who do you think you are? etc.)
Nurturing a stronger, more reliable sense of Self means that I can more readily step back and recognize this as the abuse that it is, and that it says nothing whatsoever about me. Once I recognize that I am doing this again, I can firmly but compassionately redirect that energy. I am committed to mastering the skills necessary to do this.
In the spaciousness of my life, here in my Mexican retreat, I can recognize that disruptive younger part of me now and tell her that I appreciate her and all she has been through. I speak to her softly, lovingly, and assure her that I am committed to learning how to be embodied, how to gracefully navigate the world as an adult and how to live a life that we have been worthy of all along. I let her know that I’ve got this now, thanking her, but assuring her that she can safely rest now, and do what she, as a 14-15-year-old, enjoys. Supported in my village and with my ancestors and guides, I am in a position to keep her safe now, and I let her know that I am committed to doing just that.
I let her know that I am learning the skill of turning feelings into needs. When she feels critical or judgmental, I can understand that she is scared or envious or angry or ashamed of being scared or envious or angry. I can help her know that her tender vulnerable feelings are okay, that there is a place for them, and that it doesn’t hurt anyone on the outside when she makes me aware of them. I can be curious about what she is feeling without making her wrong. And once I know what the feelings are, we can work together to figure out what she needs. This can take some work, but I am up for it. And I am worth the effort it takes. I am anything but lazy, though from the outside I might be judged otherwise. That is why it is so important that I surround myself with people who share my values and worldview at least a large part of the time.
You are enough, I tell her. You no longer have to be better than anyone else. You can just show up. We have all the love and support we need. We are thin enough. We are attractive enough. We are smart enough. We work hard enough. We have plenty of money. We have enough time and resources to take care of ourselves, and I am committed to taking the time I need to stay adequately attuned to your vulnerable needs, preferences and potential. This may be the most important work of all. And then I make sure that my schedule is open enough to stay attuned to her needs and appreciate her contributions to my life. Some may call that selfish or lazy or irresponsible. I call it coming home to my fully embodied and integrated self; making my body a place where it feels good to be, where I truly belong.
I have been thinking about belonging, and the various points in my life when I felt I more or less belonged. At this particular phase where I live a rather secluded life due both to personal choice and the more recent COVID-19 pandemic, all of my attention is going toward taking care of my most basic needs, I set up my daily schedule so I can get all of that important self-care stuff in like I never have before. My house is set up so it can be as efficient as possible. If I didn’t make a concerted effort to do it, I assure you, it wouldn’t get done.
The quality of my life, of my future, depends on how well I meet my basic needs. This was also true when I was an infant. Like all infants, I had many needs and obviously a good many of them were met because I survived, right? I am here writing this blog post. But as I am getting more clear on my unmet infant needs now, my home was set up primarily to meet everyone else’s needs because either they were providing the income necessary to put a roof over our heads or because they were attending to one urgent emergency after another, juggling financial hardship and probably postpartum depression, leaving me not feeling particularly safe or cherished. The home was not set up to make sure that my unique needs were well met.
I have more clarity about this today because of a book I’m reading called Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, by Dr. Sue Johnson (a little hint as to what I was needing and not getting). The book’s basic premise can be summed up with an acronym, A.R.E., which stands for Accessible, Responsive, and Emotionally Engaged. The level of belonging I felt in my family of origin was directly proportionate to the degree to which I felt that my caretakers were accessible, responsive to my needs, and able to emotionally engage with me.
The quality of my relationships and my adult life have been a reflection of the absence of the accessibility, responsiveness and emotional engagement that nobody but me was even aware of. Through this lens, I can finally see what it was that caused me to create relationships where I did not feel connected or safe. And now that I am in the process of parenting myself well, I am experiencing what it feels like to be safe and connected, if only to myself. And it is with great joy and anticipation that I can say that I feel as though a whole new world awaits me. As a result of the ongoing dedication I have to caring for myself well, and books and other resources such as this, I am broadening my vocabulary, my capacity to experience new things interpersonally and educating myself about what is possible when we feel truly attuned to, and are accessible to our tender selves, responsive to our own needs, and committed to staying emotionally engaged with ourselves – uncomfortable emotions, vulnerable needs and all.
I see a very different life opening up for me, where the dialogue involves a whole lot of listening to and paying attention to what delights me (even if that sounds silly or selfish), and at the same time offering myself an environment that provides safety, along with the structure and tangible practicalities that are necessary to meet the more typically recognized needs like adequate rest, good enough hygiene, sufficient exercise, hydration, routines that ensure that my spiritual needs are met, human connection and remedial care that my body requires after a lifetime of neglect. A lifetime of not being sure that I was the kind of person who could get attuned to, responded to, and emotionally engaged with – at least with a parent or a primary partner. Holding it all together on the outside is a very different thing from feeling that sense of safety and true belonging on the inside that is a result of strong bonds and healthy intimate relationships, whether it is the mother-infant dyad or the couple who knows how to stay calm and listen and offer assurance when his or her partner is experiencing intense emotions or an automatic reflex that harks back to an earlier traumatic moment.
“…once distressed partners learn to hold each other tight, they continue reaching out to each other, trying to create these transforming and satisfying moments again and again. I believe that A.R.E. interactions turn on this neurochemical love potion honed by millions of years of evolution. Oxytocin seems to be nature’s way of promoting attachment.”
Over time it has become increasingly evident that prayer is the single most powerful tool in my toolbox. For me, there are three aspects to prayer: Gratitude, Asking, and Humility.
You might not think of the first, initially. So let’s look at GRATITUDE. I see gratitude as letting the powers – whatever they are – know that I have noticed and received the abundant gifts all around me. I accept! I delight in them; I take them in. I receive them; they are for me. I feel loved and grateful. I notice all manner of things, large and small, obvious and subtle; straightforward and quirky. These gifts are here, whether I notice them or not. I attribute them to a benevolent force more powerful than me. I let my thank yous flow free and abundant.
The second aspect of prayer is ASKING for what I want more of. Something that is not as easy as it sounds for many of us. Reaching for what our hearts desired was often shamed out of us as children, and it was not in our repertoire to believe that we were worthy of asking God for what we wanted. Therefore, we unlearned to naturally reach for what we wanted or put importance on developing a regular or clear sense of what we liked or preferred. Rather we learned to hope that if we were good enough (not greedy or selfish), God would reward us with all He thought we needed and that was the correct and proper way of it. Nor were we encouraged to know ourselves to understand what made us uniquely ourselves, and what made our unique hearts sing (beyond merely getting by). This is what we saw our parents doing too. I sometimes attribute this trait to my Puritan ancestors. Make no mistake, it is not normal or healthy; it is a form of intergenerational trauma. But I digress.
I now understand that for so many years my body was too bound up in defenses and unprocessed emotions to ask for what I wanted. And there was the issue of the missing skill set. That is what I am working on now. And I am making beautiful strides. This crucial step in growing one’s self up emotionally involves studying oneself and noticing when they like something. A smile creeps over your face. You feel lighter. You sense that your heart has been flung open. Or there might be a subtle putting down of defenses, a relaxing. A nod. And then taking that one step further, taking the risk to admit, I want more of that, please. Can you help me? For me, that is the third aspect of prayer: HUMILITY.
As I dedicate these days to studying myself, caring for myself and slowing way down in the heart of this COVID-19 quarantine, I think of The Serenity Prayer, which tells us to ask for the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference. This is such an important prayer to be praying at this time. Being confused about what we do and don’t have control of is something that might also have followed us from emotionally impoverished childhoods. It was developmentally appropriate at age seven to believe we had control of things we absolutely did not. Many of us learned that we should try to control things we had no business controlling – other people’s moods, feelings, opinions of us. And without proper role models or any other way to recognize these errors, we entered into adulthood with the toxic combination of unexamined shame and unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others: I am responsible for the bad things that are happening. I am responsible for your bad mood, etc. I should be doing something to fix this. And if I try harder to be what you need me to be, then I might be able to get what I so desperately need.
Wisdom often comes with maturity which comes not just from getting older, but from resolving trauma and releasing hurt from the past. It is what helps us know whether we should accept a thing or fight to change it. And whether it is ours to change.
My wish for you is that you learn to cultivate a prayer practice beginning with gratitude. Pray. Ask for what you want, even if you’re not sure what to ask for. Even when you can’t see how your heart’s desires could possibly be granted. Spend time thinking about what you would rather have. What you want more of, what would truly delight you. Go ahead. Make it detailed, and imagine what it feels, looks, tastes, smells and sounds like when you actually have what you have asked for. Write those things down because they matter.
You are an infinite being of light; one cell in the organism of humanity. And that organism needs you and me to be fully who we are, to choose for ourselves what we want. To reach for what makes us shine, what delights us, to bud and blossom into all of who we are, which necessitates kicking into self-care mode, fearless self-attunement. I do this now in order to coax out what I had deemed as my shadow before, but which is actually my Great Self.
Spirit, please let this time be the container I need to study, to know and to nurture my Great Self. Help me to appreciate and cherish Her. Help me to value Her above all else. Guide me so that I can be the person I came here to be, to contribute what the world needs most from me and can only get from me. Guide me so that I can find my way to my tribe, to feel that I belong. To share physical warmth, harmony and deep connection in a supportive family environment, to be part of a whole – a thing of great functional beauty. This family community is the one that gets to usher in a new version of modern life. A more sustainable one, connected to heart and filled with physical and emotional warmth, balance and beauty. Thank you, and so it is. Amen.
Thank you, Spirit, for putting me in a family of visionaries and healers. Three of the healers and visionaries who are inspiring me during this pandemic, who never cease to amaze me with the way they use their gifts and talents to make the world a better place, and serve as role models for me, also happen to be sisters. If you don’t already know them, allow me to introduce them to you:
Tracy Barnett inspires me endlessly in her tireless ability to see the bigger picture, to be an advocate for the planet, and for people who are on the front lines making strides toward not just environmental and economic sustainability but regenerative living. She has helped me to add flesh to the bones of my vision of what that kind of life might look and feel like, and that is such a priceless gift. She supports so many in telling their stories that would otherwise go untold. With her magnificent heart and her journalistic spirit, she shows us the world, and introduces us to change makers and wisdom holders. I hope you will check out her recent Patreon and learn more about Tracy at Esperanza Project.
I have had the great pleasure to witness the blossoming of Tami Brunk, Shamanic Astrologer, as she literally blossoms these past couple months. Quarantine for her prompted the call for a free Earth Sky Woman Summit, a gathering of enlightened women who shed their light and share gifts to help those of us who want to maximize this time of transition, or a portal into a profoundly changed post-pandemic world. That summit can be viewed here. Tami recently kicked off a brand new podcast which you can check out here. Tami’s knowledge of astrology and her ability to zero in on what is most important right now never fails to knock my socks off.
Trina Brunk continues to inspire me by doing her own sacred and beautiful work, to share on her own Patreon, and to offer SoulPath Sessions, Hypnotherapy, and EFT Support Groups. Not to mention inspiring music, kirtan, poetry and artwork. SoulPath is my favorite of her offerings, which powerfully and consistently help me connect with my spiritual supports, remove blocks to love that I didn’t even know were there, and blast through self-defeating patterns that have flown beneath the radar for so long. She is a wonder, and I don’t know what I would do without her.
I have immeasurable gratitude for these three during this time of great transformation and change. If you need inspiration on your journey of learning to better care for yourself and/or create a better future for yourself and the planet, I encourage you to check out their free offerings or dive deeper and get individualized attention you need to break out into a deeper, richer, more connected reality for yourself and those in your circle.