The Tarot of Tuesday’s Emotions

I was indulged with several readings at a coffee shop on Tuesday morning by a gifted friend in JC who is studying tarot.  The reading I’m going to talk about here is a 5-card Life Purpose spread that is telling me a lot about emotions, which is delightfully aligned with the Constellations topic for Winter 2025.  Here goes:

Card #1:  II Wands (Reversed) – This position in the spread signifies how I’m really doing right now.  The fact that it’s reversed tells me something about surprise, wonder, enchantment, emotion, trouble, and also fear.  What Jessica Dore says about it in her book, Tarot for Change, is that this card has to do with staying stuck in a wrong situation to avoid the disappointment of something not living up to what my fantasies about it were.  It’s about how one walks away from such fantasies, and back into flow; into what really is.  The two wands represent a doorway of sorts.  Each wand, or staff, represents an aspect of this particular moment in time.  One staff rests on a battlement (war, suffering, chagrin), and the other is fixed in a ring (riches, fortune, magnificence).  The picture is worth a thousand words.  The man in the image holds a globe in his hand, and he’s standing in front of a stunning vista that is apparently his domain.  Will he focus on the replica or the real thing?

Card #2: VI Swords (Reversed) – This position in the spread signifies what I am really good at.  The fact that it is reversed speaks of declaration, confession, and publicity (proposal of love).  According to Jessica Dore, this card is about breaking old patterns, which involves being honest about how I may be actually choosing things that bring me suffering and connecting with the fear that lies at the heart of that choice.  This requires that I be willing to do what’s necessary to bring my attention to the emotions that I have for so long avoided (with good reason).  This exact location, Dore says, is where the pattern can be broken.

She compares what happens in this realm as “driving a bus of monsters toward what matters to me.”  The huddled figures on the raft that is crossing the water could represent self doubt, self criticism, feelings of inadequacy.  The card, she says, points at the act of moving through inner obstacles on our way toward what is personally meaningful.  Hell yeah.  I’m good at that.  That’s what I do.  “Fear is not just a thing to be tolerated, but in fact an indelible part of living in alignment with what’s precious.”  “Fear is the cost of admission.”  Accepting fear as part of who I am, my mantra moving forward could be: I am willing to take a new route if it’s a better one.  I am willing to grow.

Card #3: King of Cups – This position in the spread signifies what my purpose is, right now.  (It is not reversed.)  This card showed up in several places during the morning reading extravaganza, and each time it was upright, which tickles me no end.  Cups, it appears, have to do with emotions.  And as I well know, emotions appear to defy logic.  Dore says that the cups suit is about delineators.  “To understand water is to give oneself over to its currents, instead of trying to put it into containers with labels.”  This card signifies, she says, that we’ve talked and reasoned and prepared enough, and now it’s necessary to drop into the water itself.  And according to this spread, this is my purpose, right now.  Go figure.

“People in cultures all over the world in geographic isolation from one another have generated and told stories with motifs and characters that echo or resemble one another since time out of mind.  Queens belong to the realm of imagination while kings belong to the domain of will.  But for King of Cups – King of Imagination – will looks different.”  Here we see a more receptive application of will, or active acquiescence.  So my mantra might be: I am prepared and ready to do what is required in order to accept and stay afloat as the waters rise.  Luckily, the card tells me that I have the competence to find resolution where others have been unable to.

“Emotions are often passed down through generations until they reach someone who has the right set of resources and abilities to resolve them.  Clearing a space for them to emerge, unfold, and find full expression.”

“The King of Cups protects the rights of emotions to have and experience the full cycle of life: to be born, to have a safe space to fully express and to die, eventually.”  Emotions have a beginning, a middle, and an end (unless, of course, we clamp down on them to keep them from moving through, or otherwise repress them).

“Knowing this helps us to become willing to actually feel what we feel.  Humans can endure more pain when they know it’s time limited.

“This is the way an emotion makes its way out of an individual, out of a family, and ultimately out of a bloodline.  And so if you are feeling something big and deep, consider your kingship.”

My takeaway from this card: I have the tools and temperament to usher the thing through once and for all, and this is actually my purpose now.

Card #4: II Swords (Reversed) – This position in the spread signifies whatever might be getting in my way.  The fact that it is reversed speaks of Imposture, falsehood, duplicity, disloyalty.  Swords are the domain of thought.  I have long been aware that I rely heavily on my mind.  This card tells me that I can use my intellect to my advantage and that I have skill at this.  But it also signifies that it is my mind that can get most in my way.  Fears of imposture, duplicity, disloyalty.  Working with this card demands that I continually examine which thoughts I give weight to, and which ones I choose to speak out loud.  It asks me to be exquisitely aware and present when I speak about who I am and what I desire right now.  This has been a particularly important aspect of my life right now, as my identity shifts and morphs as I step more fully into these roles in my life that acknowledge and honor even more of me.  Dore also points out that this card is about honing knife skills, which involve cultivating a bit of cunning.

In staying in contact with what one knows to be true, Dore says, sometimes you need to lift your head up, roll your shoulders back and act like you know.  Here’s an interesting line from this chapter: “I’m too scared to admit what I know, or to do what knowing requires of me.”  And keeping the blindfold on (not making a decision) can be protective when it’s not the right time to make a choice. 

“We form an alliance with ourselves by choosing narratives that are supportive and empowering rather than disparaging.  If you wouldn’t describe a friend who was hesitating to act on what they know to be true as ‘confused’ or ‘lost’ maybe don’t talk about yourself that way either.”  I really appreciate this.

Card #5: Ace of Cups (Reversed) – This position in the spread signifies how I can love myself so I have the energy to fulfill my purpose.  The fact that it is reversed speaks of mutation, instability, revolution; House of the false heart.  This card was exactly what I needed during this time, as my focus is on emotions; on seeing and dealing with them newly.  I have not known my emotions well enough to name them, much less to be true to them, but I am willing to grow from here.  It is the work of a lifetime, making good enough friends of our bodies so that we can access what is alive in us in the moment.

Ace of Cups represents “House of the true heart, joy, content, abode, nourishment, abundance, fertility; Holy Table, felicity hereof.”  In this chapter, Dore talks about how psyche is something we exist within – it’s bigger than our physical body.  She points out what mystics have known for centuries, that internal and external life are linked.  As this card shows up in a spread, it might be asking, What is my environment expressing through me?

This card is also linked to the High Priestess, and the practice of contemplation (as the creative process of coming into dialogue with other forces such as emotions).  Breaking down the roots of the word contemplation, she points out that “The prefix con-, meaning ‘with,’ tells us that it’s a collaborative process, and templum, the Latin word for temple, connotes a sacred space where a deity was believed to reside.”  And so to contemplate is to engage in spiritual dialogue, which, like all dialogues, is going to involve both speaking and listening.

This card encourages me to slow down enough to listen.  “What you’re listening for might be an invisible force, like that of helping spirits, energetic currents, or a Higher Power.  Or you could be listening for something concrete, like a river over rocks, birdsong, a groundhog’s rustle through high grass.  This way of being in a receptive relationship with what surrounds us seems difficult for modern people of the West to understand.  We think in terms of the individual, the hero, the character who performs tasks and overcomes obstacles.

“But the cups, in addition to being emotional, are also symbolic of a certain receptivity, as a cup receives water.  Receptivity implies relationship and asks us: What would a more relational way of engaging with our surroundings look like?  What would happen if we reoriented the imagination toward a way that sees the self both as dreamer and that which is dreamt?

“Could we make room for the possibility that what we feel and experience in the flesh house of the body is not always rooted in a private individual experience, but comes from an ecosystem to which we belong?  What if, for example, rather than seeing ourselves as taking a walk through the woods, we see ourselves as being a wave of energy rippling through the consciousness of a family of redwoods?  How would this change the way we move through the environments we dwell in?  How would it change the way we relate to our experiences?

“Emotions are how we understand our raw experiences, not in an evaluative or judgmental way as with intellectual understanding but rather as an intuitive, felt, cellular-type knowing.  The trick – and what’s taught in many behavioral therapies – is learning to suspend action for long enough that this kind of knowing can move through us.

“In her Dear Sugar column, Cheryl Strayed once advised a reader, ‘Don’t own other people’s crap.’  And I’ve thought about that a lot over the years.  To understand the cups suit, we have to get clear on what aspects of our experience even fall into the realm of ownership.  For example, my behavior is something I can ‘own’ or be accountable for, while other people’s behavior is not something that I can or should.  But with emotions, it’s not always clear who ‘owns’ them.  I’ve woken up heavy with the boulder of my grandmother’s grief on my chest, breathed deeply while sweating from the fire of my mother’s rage, and I could say, ‘That’s theirs, not mine,’ if I wanted to, but what good would that do?  Emotions are living energetic currents with life cycles of their own.  They tend to survive down the vertical and horizontal lines of human relationships – through generations, through communities – until they arrive to the place where they can be fully experienced and expressed.  That can take a while.”

I’d better stop before I owe Jessica too much for using her material, but I think you get my point.  My reading was a blessing, as is Jessica Dore’s Tarot for Change: Using the Cards for Self-Care, Acceptance & Growth.  Maybe I’ll put you in touch with my tarot reader friend, too, if you want.  She’s amazing.

I’m on Retreat

and I’ve told many people that I’m taking time alone.  I explored a niggling worry back in the deep recesses of my mind about whether I was making best use of this time; taking my retreat seriously enough.  So far, the answer is a deep and resounding YES.  It’s felt divinely guided.  It doesn’t appear that anyone (ethereal or visceral) wants to punish or even scold me for sidestepping my isolation for an evening with friends and family the first day or driving to St. Louis to be with a friend getting medical results on the second.  I’m thanking my lucky angels for all of it.  It’s all as it should be.  The sunshine warmed me as I ate my Ethiopian leftovers (yesterday).  Today I put the finishing touches on the wonky tarot reading we didn’t finish on Monday. This morning I’ve typed up the notes I wanted to share from Sarah Peyton’s hardback book.  Feel free to check that out here.  It’s just so juicy, so relevant and so comforting.  I finished reading Your Resonant Self Workbook, in bed yesterday morning.  I hiked to the creek at the bottom of the hill twice yesterday, the second time with paper and matches so I could build a fire, sit back and read from another great book.

In a nutshell, here’s the tarot reading.  I drew 3 cards from a traditional tarot deck and am referring to Jessica Dore’s book Tarot for Change, with some of my personal story interwoven.

4 of Cups – Throughout my young life, I had been resistant to taking the good stuff that was being offered to me.  Somehow I couldn’t see it.  I was too hurt and sad and angry.  

9 of Cups Reversed – wish fulfillment, contentment, victory, success.  Reversed it speaks of Truth, Loyalty, Liberty. To accept what we want requires us to also accept the pain of not having it.  This card is asking me to articulate my desires from THAT place.  This retreat is the time to turn inward and care for feelings I haven’t had the courage to look at before.  What do I want to acknowledge and validate so that I can heal and grow beyond it?

As a 22 year old I just wanted what I was taught to want.  So as a married adult woman, living with a husband and a child for 4 and 2 years, respectively, I was entering a place where I had to decide who I really was, and what I wanted from my life.  As an 18 year old, I hadn’t been able to imagine anything else but being a mother and a homemaker.  But that wasn’t working out so well.  As my then husband complained, I was just so predictable.  My higher self was urging me to try something else. And so I did.  Boy have I learned a lot about desire since then.  

Words of compassion from Jessica Dore: “Not knowing what you want is often rooted in things that weren’t your choice and aren’t your fault.”

It’s okay if I’m still trying to figure out who I am and what I want.  It’s okay if I’m still learning to make a good wish.

4 of Pentacles – Crowned figure, Pentacle over the crown.  Clasping another pentacle over the heart.  Pentacles under both feet.  Holding very securely that which I have. (knowledge, concepts, ideas).  Pentacles in general signify physical behavior.

Jessica Dore looks at this card through a different lens: “Transcending and accepting limitations or blocks through the physical body.  Moving stuck energy through the body via breath and gaze with gentle curiosity, not force.  Reframing and perspective shifting = storytelling.  When we relate differently to something, we tend to behave differently around it.  Stories don’t mirror life, they shape it.” – Mary Van Hook, a social worker

The simple fact of identifying a block means movement is happening.  Hitting a wall is not a bad thing.  It helps you know that you need to find a door or a window by changing course slightly or drastically.  Or dig a tunnel.

Calling something a block or a limit or a challenge “is a protest in itself, a statement or declaration that you’re not okay with being contained in this particular way and you most certainly do not plan to shape a life around some limitation that really doesn’t need to be there.”

Learning to live in harmony with blocks.  My body has areas of stuckness and limitation.  Which attitudes and narratives are most effective for clearing blocks?  And for learning to live better with them? The pentacles at the crown block awareness. The pentacles at the heart block connection and understanding. The pentacles at the soles of the feet block action.

“With any kind of block, the first task is to be present enough to notice that it’s there – whether it be physical, behavioral, energetic, emotional, or psychological – rather than either avoiding it altogether or trying to muscle through it.”

It’s not dangerous to investigate blocks.  But when I do it, I need to do it with gentleness, giving myself full permission to back off anytime it gets to feel like too much.

Noticing the block is something to celebrate.  That’s when I know I’m ready to do the work.

Poke around.  Find the malleable parts.  The parts that have some give.  Where transformation can happen, little by little.

Super excited to see what the rest of my retreat will bring.  I’m here until Friday!

What we Really Want – Redux

A new look at what can be accomplished in groups.

In my travels I’ve met people with varying opinions about bamboo.  Some love it.  It grows fast.  It’s tough and strong, durable; doesn’t break down for a long, long time.  For this reason, it is a good choice as a renewable resource.  A woman I met in Mexico told me she was dedicated to removing bamboo that had been planted and become a nuisance.  She teaches people what can be done with bamboo, and she finds new homes for the plants when she can.  So inspiring, the things people find as their calling in life.

I was thinking about this woman when I was working in a new garden patch in my back yard.  Last fall, I decided to reclaim a patch of earth from a particularly stubborn, tenacious grass that grows back there, which has been serving to cover the ground quite well for decades, requiring nothing but sun and rain and an occasional trim.  But I decided to put in a garden, with watermelon, basil, parsley, mint, greens and tomatoes.   And now I am face to face with this plant – grass, bamboo’s second cousin – that has root systems deep and well established, intertwined and strong and formidable.  It meets the blade of my shovel like iron.  It snickers at my attempts to remove it.  So I get down in there with my hands.  I can find the roots when I get under them, when the soil is damp, and when I’m not in a hurry.  Exerting myself in this way, connecting with dirt and plants really does something for my soul.

In the office, I’ve been fielding more requests for support groups and other types of groupwork.  That is where a lot of my creative energy has been going as of late.  The pattern that is showing up in my one-on-one work has been the particularly tough, entrenched impact of intergenerational trauma that is blocking real progress and growth in the lives of my clients.  It shows up as stubborn and tenacious and sometimes appears impermeable to change.

The feeling is of being really mired in something that keeps sucking one in.  It’s requiring me to take a different look at the way I can offer myself in service to them.  Just so you know, it’s always mutually beneficial because my clients always mirror me and help me move through the processes I desire to work through as they do their work, and they always inspire me, whether they realize it or not. 

I’m noticing that this new shift in the work I’m called to do demands a new level of humility.  It demands that I continuously search out new resources.  I am pushed to continually search for the right tools, and to make care for myself a sacred priority. 

The really good thing about this is that the kind of trauma my clients are bringing to me these days responds to Systemic and Family Constellations Therapy.  

And that is what I want to tell you about now.  Here is a brief description, in case I haven’t already shared this with you.  Over the next weeks, I plan to share on some various themes that I’ve come across in my studies as I’ve been working toward certification.  I’m proud to say that yesterday I completed and submitted my application for Advanced Certification as a Systemic and Family Constellations Facilitator.  I also bought and planted those herbs and greens in my little garden patch, and now it’s raining.  I look forward to seeing what comes of this new vision – of working with others in groups to make real shifts in our experience, to removing obstacles to our being truly generative, vibrant, and expressive of who we came here to be.  I hope they have a short acronym for Systemic and Family Constellations Therapist Facilitator, Advanced! 

Here’s the certificate!

My most recent vision is this:

To more powerfully perform from a place of embodiment so that I can stimulate and support the change that is desired; to collaborate with others to bring about not just a quick fix but transformation in the felt sense of people that I work with – that we finally know what it feels like to be held, to be supported in community, and believe that there is Something Bigger that we can lean into.  And that joy and peace are our natural state, and that it is available to us in these bodies on this earth.  To know what it feels like to be supported to move toward what we want, what we desire, what we need to make this life truly matter.  And to celebrate all the movement (large and small) toward this goal.

Ramblings – Interpersonal Neurobiology & Affirmations

Interpersonal Neurobiology.  This is a pairing of words that always gets my attention.  Some days it makes me feel inadequate because I haven’t chosen this as a field of study, per se.  Some days I feel sad because I want to have the title Interpersonal Neurobiologist, and I don’t.  But today it just makes me sit in wonder, pure awe of the universe we live in, and the things we get to do here.  

I guess I could say that I know a fair amount about interpersonal dynamics.  I could say, also, that I have made a decent attempt to inform myself about the nervous system and how the nervous systems of individuals respond to other nervous systems, and how we come into our lives here on earth with nervous systems that aren’t fully developed, and we need the nervous systems of other people, particularly our mothers, in order to develop and properly grow and mature.  I can unarguably claim over half a century of experience trying to figure out how to regulate my own nervous system, and have actually had some success in the past decade or so.  And now, from a place where I have some agency and confidence around my ability to calm my own nervous system, I am discovering that I am excited about getting even better at it.  And excited, also, that this can only be done with the help of and in the company of other people.  I can honestly say that this–at this particular moment–terrifies me almost as much as it thrills me.  I know this because of a nightmare that woke me up this morning.  I come back to that later. 

But whether it is a community potluck, a group of people sitting around a bonfire, an online class, group therapy, a 12-Step Group, or Thanksgiving Dinner at Grandma’s, people can come together and actually be better off from having done so.  Am I the only one feeling the profound potential here?  Because if I’m honest, tapping into and using this potential has not worked well for me in too many contexts in the past, and since that has only relatively recently changed for me, I want to compare notes with those of you who are still reaching and yearning and working for rich and deep and satisfying and inspiring and gorgeous and transformative interactions with other humans as the new normal.  

As I survey what I see as our dominant society and culture, as humans in the 21st Century, we have created, on the grandest scale, groups, systems, institutions and organizations that at best are failing to produce what we most need in the world today and at worst represent all of the things we loathe and wish with all our hearts to avoid. Yes, there are good things happening, but I am not willing to dismiss this overarching state of affairs right now.  Families too often fail to protect and nurture their children, churches intentionally terrify and bewilder us and extract our resources, governing bodies fail to come together to represent or serve our best interests.  And I don’t even begin to have words to talk about our economy.  Resources, time, money and life force energy is being wasted in all the ways.  We try, like swashbucklers, to make these groups and organizations work for us, to do our part; to do the right thing.  But in the end, maybe the only way to maintain our sanity is to accept that we can’t and never will be able to make these groups work for us.  And to accept that it’s actually okay, because we can get what we want and need (and have a whole lot of fun while we’re at it) anyway.  (I do realize that there are people out there whose truth it is to work in institutions, and my hat’s off to you.  I don’t diminish the value of what you are doing.  It’s just clearly not my gig.)

What if it’s true that there is absolutely nothing stopping us from convening and collaborating our intentions and energies in a different way? What if we can count on ourselves and our own senses to know what we desire, so that we can join forces and explore and create and play?  And what if organizing with safe others for creative play is actually the solution to all our problems?  That is the realm in which my interests lie at the moment.

As I push myself to do things outside of the familiar; outside of my personal comfort zone, I am benefiting in so many ways.  In preparation for our next Family Constellations Circle, I can identify, name and use my fears, my emotions, my worries, to build reassurances and encouragements and positive statements to use for myself to help me calm my nervous system (because Toni, who do you think you are to be doing something so bold and outside the box? is notably not calming my nervous system).  

Spoiler Alert: this post ends with the list of affirmations I plan to use for the next couple weeks.  Feel free to use those affirmations that have meaning for you, and use any others as seed ideas to build your own affirmations if that helps you to reassure your vulnerable inner children.

I’m pretty sure my angels and guides woke me up this morning with a dream and a realization that I need to double down on identifying and removing hidden obstacles to speaking from my heart in real time.  Because this is the reason being in groups has not worked for me in the past.

My work now is to use my dream material to help me notice and name, one by one, the things that may keep me from speaking freely from my heart in real time.  See if any of these resonate for you too.

  1. Shame about being so caught up in my own anxiety and stress that I can’t receive information from my senses about what’s happening in the moment. Disappointment in myself for not performing up to my own standards or as well as someone else who I’m sure could do it better.  Shame for not being in control of my own body/nervous system.
  2. Fear of being blindsided by a trigger reflex, which shuts down the ability to enjoy connecting with others. Fear of missing the juiciest and sweetest parts because I’m so fixated on something that “should” be and isn’t, or getting it perfect.
  3. Fear of having to pretend to be completely present, calm and relaxed, while actually feeling a bit stunned and not sure I can connect to the words I need to express what I want to express and to accomplish my goals.  Shame because I’m not feeling the calm and relaxed and grounded state I’m asking my group to feel.  Fear that I won’t have what I need when I need it.  Fear that I am inadequate, a fraud.  Fear that what I have to offer (me being me, with my ideas, my contribution, my emotions, my processes and needs) is not of value.
  4. Fear of inadequately or incompletely expressing the breadth and depth of myself, my knowledge and lived experience.  Being misunderstood.  Fear of selling myself short, fear of disappointing people, of not delivering what others want and need.  Fear that I can’t trust myself and my instincts.
  5. Fear of not having the integration I need to express myself in an engaging way when I want to.  Fear of not being healed enough or skilled enough or capable enough or worthy of attention and trust.
  6. (and get this) Fear of actually getting what I’m asking for; of truly succeeding.  Fear that if I succeed, I won’t be able to handle the big feelings and issues and problems that come with that.
  7. Chronic, unconscious muscular tension.  Unconsciously clenching muscles.  In the body in general, including but not limited to the physiological avenue of expression.  Chronic, unconscious tension in the body restricts the free flow of information from the body to the brain and vice versa.  I suspect that I have yet-to-be-identified muscular tension that keeps me from expressing emotions as they come up and advocating for myself, especially in circumstances where I feel I might be out of line somehow, or going against dominant paradigms (which is just asking for bad things to happen, right?)  Women can’t be openly powerful or successful (without paying for it).  It’s not safe to be powerful.  It’s not safe to openly be a channel for the divine.  

And at the bottom of all of that I notice a subtle but very primal fear of being cast out, being rejected, being dismissed, being exiled, or otherwise paying the price.

Affirmations

  • I’ve actually been experimenting with bringing more consciousness to my desires and actively manifesting more of what I desire in my life.  
  • The results I’m getting are practically immediate, mostly delightful, new and surprising, and I am learning about myself as I go along.  
  • I get to make adjustments when unexpected things crop up and I become aware of needs I didn’t know about before.  
  • I am capable of learning from my experiences.  
  • I’m actually not too bad at this.
  • It is my responsibility to value and honor myself by building in spaciousness and care and attunement around any group offering I decide to make (risks I take in new areas of my life, around tender new skills I am just developing).  
  • I accept that responsibility and make self care a priority, fully realizing that I will perform better and feel better about my performance if I am better prepared, physically, spiritually, emotionally, psychologically.  
  • I have all the support and guidance I need to adequately prepare for these events.  
  • The fact that I can imagine how it feels when I can relax and draw on my experience and knowledge to hold the space well (help my group members feel comfortable and prepared to participate in a group that goes the way I want it to go, and benefits all who attend) tells me that I am capable.  
  • I can accept myself exactly as I am as I strengthen my skills.  
  • I am worthy of consideration, kindness and patience as I learn and grow.  
  • I do not have to be perfect.
  • When I get clear on what I want and need and articulate it, my needs are met as if by magic.  
  • My feelings help me know what I want and need.   
  • I know something about emotions and nervous systems, and I can trust myself to come up with the words I need to adequately express myself.
  • This is not a competition.
  • I don’t need to compare myself with anyone else.
  • I can just be me.
  • I am good enough.
  • I’m not asking too much of myself.  
  • I do this with every client, reliably.  
  • The only thing is I am increasing the number of people I’m doing it with at one time.
  • I’m in this for the long haul.  
  • I am committed to learning how to care for myself well.
  • I am gaining more and more confidence in my ability to stay emotionally regulated and present in any group space, especially those that I call and facilitate.  

My responsibility is to hold the container knowing that I can respond appropriately, and guide the process.

  • I trust that I am adequately supported to do this, and that it is mine to do.
  • I give myself grace, knowing that I am human, and I will probably not do it perfectly, but that it will be okay.
  • Participants will be able to give me feedback that I can digest and integrate as appropriate.

What makes this risk worthwhile to me, is that in larger groups, we can accomplish extravagant healings in the context of the constellations, while learning even more about family systems and how they work, and how we’re more connected and alike than we ever knew.  And we can actually participate in and support the healing of the others in the group in ways we never imagined were possible–all while bringing that same healing to ourselves.  All of us benefit, and the effects ripple outward into our communities and the world.

Gleanings from the Dream

  • I’m pushing up against my comfort edge, learning something new.  
  • In the role of teacher/facilitator, my responsibility is to the class, ensuring safety, and making sure people have my calm and compassionate presence.  
  • This is not particularly new.  What is new is being recognized for it, asking for and receiving support for it, and getting paid for it.  
  • Neuropathways in my brain are being built, but many of the most essential ones are not even approaching finished.  
  • This could take some time.  
  • I need to pay attention to my habit of scrambling to fulfill my responsibilities to others.  I can relax and trust that all is as it should be.  I am not alone.  
  • I’m noticing that I have been efforting quite a bit, failing to recognize and honor the stage of development that I’m at.  There is risk in forcing things to happen before their time.  
  • Ultimately I have to surrender and accept that the way I need to go (the long and slow way around), while it seems cumbersome and inefficient, it is way more effective and efficient in the long run.  From where I currently stand, it is apparently the only way, and all I can do is accept that and work with it. 
  • Pay attention to the process.  There are profoundly beautiful and unexpected scenes along the way, not just at the end.
  • I am definitely not on my own.
  • I can always count on my wise, creative self who is always working behind the scenes to help me problem solve, and connect with other very capable and state-of-the-art supports so I can regroup and return to my creative goals and responsibilities.

Playing With Subtle Energies: Explaining the Unexplainable

Hello Friends,

Many years ago I was introduced to this mysterious, powerful, and beautiful therapeutic modality called Family Constellations. Immediately fascinated and enchanted, I sought out a group or a therapist here in the Midwest, and had my own constellation done. I had to drive all the way to Sedalia, MO and the group that assembled there was quite small, yet still powerful. That therapist has since passed on, and I’ve moved forward in my life as well. In Mexico, I learned that Family Constellations work is extremely popular, and most of the therapists I met had been trained in it, use it in their therapies, and many offer regular groups. In 2013 I attended a 5-day “congress” about Family Constellations in Acapulco, Mexico, attended by a huge number of people, with speakers from all over the world, and my adventures south of the border kicked off that way – in the realm of the magical, Explicando lo Inexplicable (Explaining the Unexplainable). I began attending these groups in Guadalajara as often as I could. Often they brought me to tears, even in Spanish, because they worked with something much older and much more powerful than words. And I could feel things shifting and reaching greater integration in my body, a deeper, very resonant feeling that my problems are not so unique, and that so many of them have been passed down, from past generations. In the world of Family Constellations, things can be put right though. Repairs can be made, and it is a truly beautiful and awe-inspiring thing.

I’m telling you about this now because I have a desire to play with the subtle energies of this therapeutic modality, and as I am still learning how groups in general work, I won’t be charging what most constellators charge. And I want it to be available, even for people who have limited resources. Contact me if you want more information, if you think you and a few people in your community might like to set something up. We need anywhere from 8 to 18 people, and a place that is quiet and large enough for us to move around in.

I can see how my exposure to Family Constellations as well as my training and background in CranioSacral Therapy both shape and affect my EMDR practice, and I now use a kind of hybrid of all three with my clients. We have started a constellation group in Columbia and our first four circles have been extremely powerful. Having the ability to take my work into a group context excites me no end. I’ve included a couple links so you can check it out below. Let me know what you think.

https://www.ulsamer.com/family-constellation/family-constellations-according-to-bert-hellinger/

Rupert Sheldrake talks about Family Constellations and the morphogenic field. You may want to Google that topic and follow your own curiosity.

The swirling blue on white figures in the image I include with this post make me think of the “as above, so below” phenomenon that we see in nature, and the correspondence between different planes of existence. Here, I almost see both the neurons that make up any living organism (or a brain!) and the humans that make up any living community. The design was part of the 2013 Constellations Congress I attended in Acapulco.

Learn about the Zulu origins of Family Constellations here.

Announcing my Body-Owner’s Manual

Happy October everybody. I wanted to let you know that the manual is up and available for purchase at Amazon. However, it is also available in PDF or Word format. Just let me know if you’d like your own copy. Just send me an e-mail and I’d be happy to give that to you for free.

To me it feels tragic that a person can go through any significant portion of their lives feeling alone and unsupported!  I’d like to say that at the ripe old age of 56 I have put this feeling thoroughly and completely behind me. And I think this manual is what turned the key. I am so so so so excited!! I’ll tell you a little secret: I started taking tango lessons!!!!

But in all seriousness, the feeling of isolation, having only oneself to count on, and chronic touch deficit is entirely too prevalent in our society, and only exacerbated by Covid-19 and our political divisions. It is my belief that the current state of our country has its cause deep in early relational trauma, which leaves people feeling that they are different, alone, and lacking in essential resources and belonging.  And people who feel like this are susceptible to the messages and shenanigans of narcissists and sociopaths. They have yet to find a durable and supportive tribe or connect with stable roots.  As they move through life, these feelings become a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

Body Owner’s Guide for the Stewards of the New Earth: My Meta Self Owner’s Guide offers you eight chapters, channeled by eight loving ethereal masters, offering nuggets of wisdom in a format that can be read from start to finish or opened at random to spark your creative juices and inspire you to reach for more of what your soul is longing for.  This handy reference book includes affirmations, dream interpretations and more, with the intention of bringing into focus a vision of a post-trauma future. 

Though this manual was created for me, it is also intended to inspire you to strengthen your connections with your own angels, guides and ancestors.  They are always there, and there is nothing they would like more than to see you learn how to care for yourself well.  May this set you on the path of creating your own personal volume.

Do You Have An Angry Adolescent Inside?

I remember, in 2013, prior to my second flight from the Midwest (the first being to Bangladesh, in 1994), giving my clients the following homework: Take a week to be just as lazy, selfish and irresponsible as you can be.  I’m not kidding.  If that is not possible, take two days.  If that isn’t possible, then at the very minimum, take four hours.  That was the advice I, myself, needed to take and so I finally did.  But it took me this long to realize what that would actually look like, and what it really meant.  In hindsight I wonder how possible it was for any of my clients to do this assignment without drastically changing their environment – the cultural, political and economic setting of the USA in the 21st Century.  But why, you might be asking.  Why this assignment?  I will give you the long explanation now.

Recognizing Protective Reflexes

So many of us, as survivors of early relational trauma, have been programmed for survival, though the danger is not what we think it is.  So many of us have an inner critic that berates us mercilessly, perpetuating feelings of shame and self-doubt, if not self-loathing.  It hurls names at its person, and depending on the words their family used to express their unresolved pain and shame, these might have included “lazy,” “narcissistic,” “selfish,” “stupid,” “irresponsible,” etc.  Many of my clients are learning what to do with the part of themselves that spews these toxic messages.  What we are learning together is that this abusive part is actually an automatic reflex designed to “protect” its person from feeling the overwhelming feelings of pain and loneliness from the past.  It protects us from the pain and overwhelm of one or more tender, vulnerable parts that are stuck in the past, needing our help to get them out.  But it is designed to remain undetected to our conscious mind, and that is what makes it tricky to deal with in a straightforward way.

Until we do bring consciousness, care and compassion to these unresolved issues, these parts will continue to get activated and wreak havoc in our lives.  I knew this when I created Self-Abuse & The Drama Triangle, but I’m realizing it at a deeper level now, as I recognize with renewed clarity what a tremendous amount of my energy can still be wasted in self-doubt, self-flagellation and something just under the surface that is keeping me from feeling like my clear and shining adult self. 

My inner critic is 14-15 years old.  She feels indignant and she believes that she can’t stop or she will be just as outrageously unforgivable and deserving of repudiation as the ones responsible for the violence and neglect she experienced in the past.  She believes that if she lets up, she will fail us both (she is operating from her adolescent perspective with righteous indignation and her 14-15-year-old determination to keep me from getting hurt).  And so she continues to do her thing, just beneath the level of my awareness.  Her toxic message – this survival reflex – gets kicked up as I diligently work to reclaim my original, First Nature, and say NO to the generations-old programming that kept me small and quiet by telling me that the world is an unsafe place and that I should not expect to be loved.

This reflex kicks in to preserve the status quo.  With the incisiveness and sophistication of a terrified 15-year old, it scrutinizes and second guesses my motives, my choices, my decisions, my reactions, my performance, my physical appearance.  She can go on and on and on before I recognize what is happening in there.  When I ignore this dynamic over time, it chips away at my confidence, at my general sense of well-being, my health and my Life Force.  This part does not trust me because of mistakes she is sure I have made in the past.  She can be seriously abusive because she is terrified and she doesn’t believe she can ask for help and get it, and because she believes our lives and integrity depend on her keeping up this internal battery and its concomitant feelings of shame and self-contempt.

I am thinking of one of my clients who has figured out how to talk to his angry little one inside.  His is only five years old.  He shows me how firm but loving boundaries can be instituted and maintained with this little one, who has brought so much destruction to his closest relationships in the past.  When he feels his angry little one starting to get agitated, he checks in with it.  He reassures it.  He has even learned to be preemptive.  In the mornings he snuggles up with it, telling it that it is okay, and that he is big enough to hold it and protect it.  You are safe now, he tells it.  You can trust me to take your needs seriously.  I love you.  I am here now.  I will not abandon you.  It is your job to play and have fun now.  You don’t have to be big and angry to keep us safe anymore.

Another client too, has learned to take a bit of time to attune to the disturbance and the players inside.  Like mine, his is 14-15-years-old and has a tongue that slices him to shreds if he allows it.  He is learning to talk to this inner critic softly but with assurance, pointing out the landmarks of his growth and success, what he is doing right.  Reminding them both that he does not deserve to be punished, and never did.  As the inner critic softens, he is freer to accept himself and his past mistakes and release the remaining shame, self-loathing, self-doubt and self-censure that he has stockpiled but failed to examine all these years.  Together we form the alliance necessary to glean the wisdom from his life experience, to acknowledge his successes, and discern his real needs and the real maturity he has gained through his efforts and experiences instead of just trying to hide, amputate or erase this terrified, vulnerable part of himself, along with his imperfect past. 

We need to be able to attune to and acknowledge the wisdom beneath the disruption, this hidden chaos inside.  Because what other recourse does the powerless have than to revolt?  The parts that feel powerless and abandoned need to be listened to because they showed up in the first place for a reason.  They have wisdom that is profound and irreplaceable.  But we do need to get support and take the time necessary to find out what is actually happening in there.

Saying No to Inner Violence

Just as important as recognizing that they are there for a reason and having compassion for these tender parts, it is necessary that we let them know that they are not allowed to abuse us or others anymore.  We need to value ourselves and have enough substance – enough Self – to put into place firm boundaries.  Though we have been programmed otherwise, we need to be more selfish to do this.  As my sense of Self strengthens, that’s what keeping my commitment to doing a daily meditation feels like for me.  It is a revolutionary act, holding nurturing routines in place, adjusting them as I grow to fit my continuously changing needs.  And it is what is necessary to leave the status quo and achieve the change I really want.

Featured Feeling

Envy
* Stifled Longing
* Frustration
* Comparing
* Resentment
* Shame

This morning, as I put the finishing touches on my owner’s manual, I realize that I have been newly reconnected with envy and how much this emotion has impacted my life without my even knowing it.  I was so clueless of envy, never thinking that word described any part of me.  Well now I see how anger, jealousy and envy were so central to my life and experience, and how thoroughly I blotted them out, pushing them under so they could be hidden, so I could maintain my image of a “good girl.”  Now I can see how this has contributed to the stifling of my reaching reflex.  How it crippled my ability to want what I wanted and even to receive what was sweet and available all around me.

Now, I am reclaiming my envy, and with it perfecting my own reaching reflex.  Every hint of envy is my new best friend because it tells me what I want more of.  It no longer needs to remain hidden.  As with anger, it can now inform me.  I am so grateful for everything in my current life that is helping me develop my reaching reflex.  Films, Netflix, free time to reflect on my relationship with people I have judged as selfish, irresponsible or lazy.  Newly admiring their ability to enjoy their lives and allowing myself to distill my own understanding of my unique constitution, tastes, values and desires as similar and distinct from theirs.  I am so thankful for my clients.  Each one of them a tremendous gift.  So thankful for each day, a dance, a step closer to a life that is even more filled with the things that I have been afraid to ask for.  A calmable nervous system.  People who help me calm my nervous system.  People with whom I can and do regularly play and explore the wonders of this experience called Life.

As I sit here with rubber bands between my molars, I feel the “opening” of my avenue of expression.  It’s uncomfortable but it is fundamentally changing me.  Expanding my ability to experience joy and pleasure.  Expanding my ability to express and share myself.  I feel everything falling into place just as it should.

I am learning to enjoy liminal space these days, not exactly knowing what will happen next, and it’s uncomfortable sometimes.  But it’s okay.  Better to be in this space than to jump prematurely to the next thing. 

I vigilantly work on recognizing self-doubt when it comes up, I attend to the tender vulnerable feelings underneath, and step in to make sure that nobody is abusing me inside.

Here’s what I can watch out for, lurking in the shadows:

  • Rumination
  • Self-judgment
  • Feeling critical of myself
  • Comparing myself with others
  • Feeling critical toward others
  • Negative self-talk (You’re irresponsible. Who do you think you are? etc.)

Nurturing a stronger, more reliable sense of Self means that I can more readily step back and recognize this as the abuse that it is, and that it says nothing whatsoever about me.  Once I recognize that I am doing this again, I can firmly but compassionately redirect that energy.  I am committed to mastering the skills necessary to do this.

In the spaciousness of my life, here in my Mexican retreat, I can recognize that disruptive younger part of me now and tell her that I appreciate her and all she has been through.  I speak to her softly, lovingly, and assure her that I am committed to learning how to be embodied, how to gracefully navigate the world as an adult and how to live a life that we have been worthy of all along.  I let her know that I’ve got this now, thanking her, but assuring her that she can safely rest now, and do what she, as a 14-15-year-old, enjoys.  Supported in my village and with my ancestors and guides, I am in a position to keep her safe now, and I let her know that I am committed to doing just that.

I let her know that I am learning the skill of turning feelings into needs.  When she feels critical or judgmental, I can understand that she is scared or envious or angry or ashamed of being scared or envious or angry.  I can help her know that her tender vulnerable feelings are okay, that there is a place for them, and that it doesn’t hurt anyone on the outside when she makes me aware of them.  I can be curious about what she is feeling without making her wrong.  And once I know what the feelings are, we can work together to figure out what she needs.  This can take some work, but I am up for it.  And I am worth the effort it takes.  I am anything but lazy, though from the outside I might be judged otherwise.  That is why it is so important that I surround myself with people who share my values and worldview at least a large part of the time.

You are enough, I tell her.  You no longer have to be better than anyone else.  You can just show up.  We have all the love and support we need.  We are thin enough.  We are attractive enough.  We are smart enough.  We work hard enough.  We have plenty of money.  We have enough time and resources to take care of ourselves, and I am committed to taking the time I need to stay adequately attuned to your vulnerable needs, preferences and potential.  This may be the most important work of all.  And then I make sure that my schedule is open enough to stay attuned to her needs and appreciate her contributions to my life.  Some may call that selfish or lazy or irresponsible.  I call it coming home to my fully embodied and integrated self; making my body a place where it feels good to be, where I truly belong.

Image by Kittiwat Junbunjong from Pixabay

Transformational Spring Reading – Hold Me Tight

I have been thinking about belonging, and the various points in my life when I felt I more or less belonged.  At this particular phase where I live a rather secluded life due both to personal choice and the more recent COVID-19 pandemic, all of my attention is going toward taking care of my most basic needs, I set up my daily schedule so I can get all of that important self-care stuff in like I never have before.  My house is set up so it can be as efficient as possible.  If I didn’t make a concerted effort to do it, I assure you, it wouldn’t get done. 

The quality of my life, of my future, depends on how well I meet my basic needs.  This was also true when I was an infant.  Like all infants, I had many needs and obviously a good many of them were met because I survived, right?  I am here writing this blog post.  But as I am getting more clear on my unmet infant needs now, my home was set up primarily to meet everyone else’s needs because either they were providing the income necessary to put a roof over our heads or because they were attending to one urgent emergency after another, juggling financial hardship and probably postpartum depression, leaving me not feeling particularly safe or cherished.  The home was not set up to make sure that my unique needs were well met. 

I have more clarity about this today because of a book I’m reading called Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, by Dr. Sue Johnson (a little hint as to what I was needing and not getting).  The book’s basic premise can be summed up with an acronym, A.R.E., which stands for Accessible, Responsive, and Emotionally Engaged. The level of belonging I felt in my family of origin was directly proportionate to the degree to which I felt that my caretakers were accessible, responsive to my needs, and able to emotionally engage with me. 

The quality of my relationships and my adult life have been a reflection of the absence of the accessibility, responsiveness and emotional engagement that nobody but me was even aware of.  Through this lens, I can finally see what it was that caused me to create relationships where I did not feel connected or safe.  And now that I am in the process of parenting myself well, I am experiencing what it feels like to be safe and connected, if only to myself.  And it is with great joy and anticipation that I can say that I feel as though a whole new world awaits me.  As a result of the ongoing dedication I have to caring for myself well, and books and other resources such as this, I am broadening my vocabulary, my capacity to experience new things interpersonally and educating myself about what is possible when we feel truly attuned to, and are accessible to our tender selves, responsive to our own needs, and committed to staying emotionally engaged with ourselves – uncomfortable emotions, vulnerable needs and all. 

I see a very different life opening up for me, where the dialogue involves a whole lot of listening to and paying attention to what delights me (even if that sounds silly or selfish), and at the same time offering myself an environment that provides safety, along with the structure and tangible practicalities that are necessary to meet the more typically recognized needs like adequate rest, good enough hygiene, sufficient exercise, hydration, routines that ensure that my spiritual needs are met, human connection and remedial care that my body requires after a lifetime of neglect.  A lifetime of not being sure that I was the kind of person who could get attuned to, responded to, and emotionally engaged with – at least with a parent or a primary partner.   Holding it all together on the outside is a very different thing from feeling that sense of safety and true belonging on the inside that is a result of strong bonds and healthy intimate relationships, whether it is the mother-infant dyad or the couple who knows how to stay calm and listen and offer assurance when his or her partner is experiencing intense emotions or an automatic reflex that harks back to an earlier traumatic moment.

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, by Dr. Sue Johnson is a godsend.  It is just the material I needed to catapult my healing work forward.  I recommend it highly to anyone who wants to experience more depth, connection and oxytocin in intimate relationship.

“…once distressed partners learn to hold each other tight, they continue reaching out to each other, trying to create these transforming and satisfying moments again and again. I believe that A.R.E. interactions turn on this neurochemical love potion honed by millions of years of evolution. Oxytocin seems to be nature’s way of promoting attachment.”

– Dr. Sue Johnson in Hold Me Tight

Affirmations to Address Blocks to Sweetness and Abundance

And the kicker, which is a combination of my conditioning and what my body instinctively knows: This really is a matter of life or death. I die either way. If I’m not attuned to or if I demand what I want/need. The ultimate double bind.

(As infants) “our most intimate sense of self is created in our minute-to-minute exchanges with our caregivers.”
“Early attachment patterns create the inner maps that chart our relationships throughout life, not only in terms of what we expect from others, but also in terms of how much comfort and pleasure we can experience in their presence.”

Bessel van der Kolk in The Body Keeps the Score

I get to reach out for what I want.
I am more of who I came here to be when I reach for what I want.
I get connection that feels sweet to me.
I get to have friends who give of themselves, who have skills, who do their emotional work.
Doing without is not a virtue.
Doing without is a way of shutting down and blocking the flow of good.
Identifying with doing without is another form of anger, resentment and unfelt pain.
God and I are on the same team.
God tells me what I want and need by giving me emotional responses, which I can attune to, and learn from.
I can be involved in this process.
It isn’t some mysterious process that happens behind the scenes.
If I stay in denial about my emotions and needs, I am telling myself that I am not worthy of my own care and attention.
There is no reward for applying austerity measures in response to scarcity.
I am totally worthy of the sweet stuff.
Doing without is not what gets me what I should have had in the first place.
Doing without is not what gets me what is already available and free for the taking: the really sweet stuff of life.
The really sweet stuff of life is free.
I am the one who gets to say what I like and what is sweet to me, in each moment.
There is no should when it comes to my desires.
I am completely worthy of pursuing my heart’s desires.
Spirit is right behind me, encouraging me to reach for and satisfy exactly that.
My heart’s desires are gifts, and I can attune to them, clarify them, and explore them.
I am encouraged to act on my desires.
I can be deeply satisfied even when I am reaching for other things I don’t yet have.
Me being deeply satisfied hurts nobody!
I can get what I want and need.
I release the pain, frustration, anger, resentment, and terror of not being well-attuned to in infancy and childhood.
I can let that go now.

These affirmations sprung out of my head after working with a client who shares my blocks around moving from scarcity to abundance.

The fear and pain and resentment that is trapped in a human body from infancy and childhood can be expressed in words.  Once the words are stated, a part of oneself can feel seen, heard and validated.  Once the feelings are acknowledged, they can actually be released.

Here are the emotions (not truths) expressed in words:

• If I do without (the sweet stuff – these profoundly necessary things: connection, being attuned to well, expression of my desires) I will be rewarded.
• The real reward comes if I am self-disciplined and accept doing without (without complaining or being upset).
• I will be rewarded with what I “really” need (what God thinks I need).
• If I accept the lie and tell myself I’m not worthy – for some reason – of the sweet stuff in life, then I will subconsciously believe that doing without what I really want will get me what I should have; that I will be rewarded and that I will then be worthy.
• Sacrificing gets me the good stuff, that I may or may not like or understand, but God knows better than me, so I’ll trust and accept that.
• If I accept the other lie that what I really want is not a trustworthy or reliable gauge of what I should have, I’ll eventually get what I should have.
• I can’t trust my desires, for sure. That will bring me unhappiness.
• Acknowledging my desires and outwardly reaching for what I want is selfish and bad and will only result in unhappiness.
• I will be punished if I act on my desires.
• There will be serious negative consequences if my wants and needs are deeply satisfied. It will probably really hurt someone I love.
• It is impossible for my wants and needs to be satisfied, so it’s an infernal waste of time to pursue that or focus on them.
• This really is a matter of life or death. I die either way.
• If I’m not attuned to or if I ask directly for what I want/need.

IDT Workbook – Now Available!

My new workbook is now available on Amazon! I’m so excited. You can get it here.

This course in a workbook will be your guide as you learn to recognize and eliminate internal/self-abuse and become a better, more loving parent to yourself.  It offers a practical, effective, research-supported framework including exercises to reduce the intensity and duration of emotional flashbacks, a symptom of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) and unresolved early stress and trauma.

This course is designed to equip you with tools to use when you:

  • Often find yourself stuck in internal conflicts about what you want and where you are going.
  • Are sometimes so harsh and unrelenting with yourself that you cannot relax and enjoy what you have.
  • Find yourself getting triggered often or staying triggered for long periods of time.

Tap into your deepest potential by learning to focus your attention.  Dare to invest the time and commitment that is necessary to replace old, worn-out strategies to avoid feeling vulnerable and replace them with authenticity, integration and health.  Reconnect with your body’s social engagement system by safely directing your compassionate attention inward. 

Get ready.  You are about to learn how to calm your nervous system and experience what it feels like to be held in the safety and stability of the parents you never had.

Get your copy here.