Releasing What Wants To Die

This is the 4th post of my Psilocybin Integration Process. If you’d like to start at the beginning, I invite you to begin here.

Question 4: What wants to die or be released? This question addresses old beliefs, patterns, habits, identities, fears, stories, thought loops.  What am I being asked to let go of?

In the very earliest moments of 2026, or maybe the last ones of 2025 it came to me.  This year, I am releasing 1) the need to pick sides, 2) the need to be right, and 3) the need to protect others at my own expense.  That’s where I was, and that was my intention for the year.  Well, apparently, the spirits of the psilocybin mushroom took my intention seriously, and catapulted me forward with regard to the things I had already put into motion.  Through this process, which I believe to be a continuation of that medicine, I take an exhaustive inventory of the inherited garbage that makes such a declaration necessary:

 1) The need to pick sides comes from sensing that love is conditional in the family of origin.

• The need to judge (right/wrong).
• The vow to acknowledge, feel and express only “positive” or pleasing feelings.  
• The vow to stay guarded and protected to avoid the pain of loss and powerlessness.
• The notion that giving is good and receiving is bad.
• The notion that accomplishing things is good, and that being idle is bad. 
• The belief that I must busy myself to avoid bad things.
• The shame of being a scoundrel, of being untrustworthy, of being up to no good.
• The decision to close the heart to avoid painful feelings.
• The vow to keep feelings of disappointment and loss hidden, even from myself.
• The notion that I am so shameful that I don’t belong to humanity.

2) The need to be right is also modeled in the family of origin.  The only way to be safe is to be on the right side of the right/wrong equation.

• The need to blame someone else for my uncomfortable feelings.
• The unspoken notion that feelings are wrong.
• The tendency to judge, talk, work harder, or stay perpetually in motion in order to avoid feelings.
• The identity as the one who gives and not the one who receives. 
• The identity as the strong one, the good one, the responsible one, the wiser one. 
• The need to blame my mother for my disappointment and discomfort of having unmet needs as an infant and small child.
• The disappointment and blame projected by my female ancestors onto the men in their lives.
• The need to punish men out of love and loyalty to my female ancestors because my female ancestors have been hurt and disappointed.
• The belief that allowing myself to receive good things has a hidden cost, so I must never allow myself to be in the debt of another.
• The belief that it is not safe to receive good things from other people.
• The belief that it is not safe to receive support from other people.
• The notion that I have to be in charge to be safe.
• The notion that I have to be in charge of my emotions to be safe.
• The notion that men are children and should not be counted on for anything I truly want.
• The notion that women are superior to men.
• The belief that all the good men are already taken.

3) The need to protect others at my own expense.  Growing up with addiction/mental illness, we learn to take care of our adults, hoping that if they can be okay, we can be too.  Babies and children will do anything to ensure safety, regardless of the cost to themselves.  This is biological, instinctual.

• The notion that it is my responsibility to censor myself in the presence of others if my emotions are anything less than positive or pleasing.
• The notion that it is my responsibility to protect people from pain and discomfort – theirs and mine.
• The belief that I should be willing to sacrifice everything for love and belonging.
• The notion that I must be willing to sacrifice myself so that others can be comfortable.
• The notion that I need to do something so that others don’t have to feel uncomfortable feelings.
• The notion that men (other people) cannot be responsible for themselves.
• The vow to hide my “negative” feelings, even from myself.
• The notion that I should be ashamed when I break my vows. 
• The belief that it is dangerous to allow my heart to open to embodied love, bonding and belonging to others.
• The notion that I can help my parents by carrying their shame and grief.
• The notion that I need to explain myself or apologize for any of my desires, needs or limits.
• The directive that I must protect myself against my own yearnings, longings, sexual desire.
• The belief that all of these things are bad and extremely dangerous.
• The directive that I must protect myself against the desire for closeness, the desire for belonging, the desire to experience deep, lasting, soul quenching intimacy.
• The belief that all of these things are foolish, a waste of time and disruptive.
• The fear of my own power.
• The doubt that I can actually handle and be trusted with my power.
• The fear of opening myself to be truly known, only to be rejected.  
• The doubt that love is really possible for me.  

Come back next week for Question 5: What wants to be born or created?