Channeled material

Integration As A Spiritual Practice – Part III

I had learned to equate being safe with being in charge.

Question 3: What did I learn about life, reality, or existence?

This question is about universal truths, insights about consciousness, purpose, interconnection, love, suffering, and meaning. What really matters, and what doesn’t?

A little background about me: I was the second-born in a family of 9 children who were all born over the course of more than 20 years. I remember peeling potatoes for 8 to 10 people, setting the table for 8 – 10. I remember heated conversations between my older sister and my father, where she provoked his temper relentlessly with her bold declarations that went along the lines of, “Well that’s not fair!” and observations like, “Well that doesn’t make sense, because you just said…” I don’t remember how those conversations ended. Maybe because I left my body and sent my soul elsewhere until things calmed down. The supper table was not a place where I felt safe or invited to engage, much less to express myself. My body stayed in survival mode and I remained vigilant for cues I would need to protect myself and stay in the good graces of my parents.

So for me, the idea of being part of a group where I share myself and negotiate differences in perspective, needs and belonging is moving from the theoretical into real life as I move through my weeks looking forward to sitting around the table with my coffee group family.

I mentioned false starts in the first of this blog series. Some time ago I realized I could tolerate, and even enjoy groups if I was the one leading, organizing or teaching them, because it is easy for me to set and communicate parameters, envision and create group safety, direct the course of a discussion, and switch the focus of what is happening when I sense things are heading down a destructive path, or even a path that I don’t prefer.

I had learned to equate being safe with being in charge.

This is why, when conversations in the coffee group late summer last year led to the planning of preliminary psilocybin test groups, I eagerly volunteered to be a “sitter” who would be present while the most experienced individuals tested dosages and products. I assumed this would make me the leader. From there we began to imagine and prepare, arranging venues, sharing expectations which involved more people, who were naturally excited about the prospect of being involved, and suddenly things started to turn into a very different animal. And I was uncertain what role I would be playing.

Then came the flurry of text messages where I quickly realized that I was not actually the leader of this group. My feeling about the whole thing quickly changed and after quite a bit of prayer and thought, I withdrew my offer. The venue that I had arranged quickly fell through, and the medicine men, who indeed were the core of the group, would need to start planning again, from scratch. And I was not at all certain if I would have any place at all in their future plans.

The tone of our group changed that fall and winter, and the topic was mostly avoided at coffee. I wasn’t certain if the damage I had done could be repaired.

Looking back, I can see how I stepped up with intentions to be a leader where it was not appropriate or desired by the group that I do so. And the Universe showed me, through this somewhat embarrassing and public situation, that it was time for me to allow someone else to assume a leadership position, and I would need to trust them to do it their way. Very new. But also very important for me.

What I’m learning is that for me, the most challenging part of being in a group that I choose to be a part of–and that I’m not leading–is that I do not have control over the timing or much of anything else, and that I have to wait and trust and allow things to unfold in their own time, their own way. I’ve learned that I can actually do this, and that it is well worth the effort when I can. In fact, it turns out to be 10-100 times more fun, in the end, if I can just tolerate the discomfort of not being in charge and allow events to unfold. In other words, to do nothing. And feel.

What did I learn about life, reality, or existence?

I learned that if I trust, wait, put down my checklist, my carefully curated plans, my tendency to be in control, my pattern of being the one in charge in order to feel safe–other people gracefully and appropriately step up. Things work themselves out. I learned that I will receive the guidance I need, and I can open myself to the gifts, contributions, wisdom, beauty and goodness of others. And that when I do this, things become even more fun, more nuanced, more profound, and more impactful for everyone involved.

I learned that whatever I love alone, I love at least ten times more when I collaborate with others. This is true when I am part of a village, when I see myself as someone of value who belongs, when I admit and declare without shame or guilt what I want, when I see myself as someone who can receive support and good things from other people.

It becomes my lived experience that I’m not the only person I can count on. I become a person who knows what it feels like to have all the skills I need to navigate relationships with both men and women who are heart connected, and are in relationship with Spirit and their own Greatness. I become a person whose life is enhanced by this willingness to wait and allow, this practice of opening to the contributions of others and the magic of flow. And maybe most important of all, this feeling of trust and belonging to humanity that comes with the full palette of embodied emotions and the willingness to risk sharing myself that make it all possible.

I am beginning to allow into my experience the awareness that I have been too terrified to risk rejection, and that this fear has kept me functioning as a person who is primarily alone in the world. Nonetheless, it is time for me to take the risk. To let go of control, because if I don’t, I will have missed out on so much. So…

I wholeheartedly desire to be a person who sometimes leads, but more often is supported and led by loving forces beyond my own knowing.

Come back next week for Question 4: What wants to die or be released?

Integrating Psilocybin – Part II

This week, I explore personal insights during a group experience, overcoming initial reluctance. I confront buried emotions regarding grief and trauma, which have led to greater self-compassion. The ceremony facilitated a shift in my perception of men and a reconnection with my creative energy, opening possibilities for deeper relational bonds in the future.

What did I learn about myself?

This week I am answering the second question of the Integration Workbook: What did I learn about myself? This question prompts us to share personal insights, including patterns or behaviors we noticed, wounds that surfaced, gifts or strengths we recognized, parts of ourselves we met, how we’ve been living versus how we want to live. If you haven’t already, you can access the first blog of this series here.

What did I learn? I was reticent to join the circle, or to have this be a group experience, but once I did, I understood that this was where all the gold was, at least for me. I met the part of myself that could howl at the stars, that could speak what needed to be spoken in the circle. I learned that revulsion, distaste, disgust and shock are all part of my experience, that I sometimes have these reactions towards people – both men and women – and that relationships cannot grow if these things are kept hidden inside.

The understanding that I was carrying grief, shame and unprocessed trauma for my dad helped me have so much more compassion for myself. I’m not sure if that was the idea of the mushroom, the fire, or some conspiracy between them both, but it’s what dropped into my awareness. It was a long-awaited gift, and one I’m not sure I could have gained through any other means.

I had been living in a world of women – many who still secretly (and not so secretly) carried the belief that men are not to be trusted and that we have to protect ourselves from them, that we tolerate them, but that they are big, awkward children and burdensome. That what they contribute in our lives comes at a tremendous cost to us, our health, our freedom and our natural evolution toward personal fulfillment. That it is our responsibility as women (and indeed necessary to some primitive survival code) to protect them from their feelings at any cost. And in so doing we offer ourselves up, to serve them just as a drug or any other addictive substance might.

All of that went into the fire. Witnessed by others, who held the space as I exercised the power of my voice, and the energy that flowed through me, under the stars.

The ceremonial circle marked a moment in time when I felt adequately supported to open my mouth. But not so that I could explain myself. Rather so I could free myself. With that declaration, and the days and months that have since passed, I notice a certain shifting of willingness to experience men as people, and some of them are actually turning out to be fun and interesting and potential counterparts and mirrors, offering essential elements of alchemy in my growth and integration – not just of the mushroom ceremony but of my entire life. I also notice a very new ease in my whole body when I consider my willingness to do whatever I need to do to take care of my own needs and follow my own desire, comfort, curiosity. And to make no apologies to anyone about these.

And at the risk of sharing TMI, when I go back to the early part of the ceremony, where I’m lying on my sleeping bag under the cedars, I am able to recall a very physical and gentle awakening in my dantien, maybe it was deep within my womb. I see it now as the reawakening of a fire that has been part of my lived experience, a subject of pleasure and interest as it strengthens, and my relationship with it. Since the ceremony my connection with it becomes more nuanced, accessible and familiar. I believe it to be a reconnection with my own creative life force energy. Desire. It is also, I suspect, an opening to the possibility that I may be able to deepen and enrich my experience, even more, in the company of another – a beloved partner – with whom the desire to share and deepen our knowing of each other lasts over time. For now, I know that I am making great progress at healing and releasing the barriers I have erected against closeness and reciprocal knowing. I am no longer averse to saying that I desire an opportunity to partner with a man, and share relational bonds that endure and deepen over time. I am willing to wait and see what Spirit does with this declaration. And so it is.

Come back next week for Question 3: What did I learn about life, reality, or existence?

Prayer – Now More Than Ever

Repost from April 2020

Over time it has become increasingly evident that prayer is the single most powerful tool in my toolbox. For me, there are three aspects to prayer: Gratitude, Asking, and Humility.

You might not think of the first, initially. So let’s look at GRATITUDE. I see gratitude as letting the powers – whatever they are – know that I have noticed and received the abundant gifts all around me. I accept! I delight in them; I take them in. I receive them; they are for me. I feel loved and grateful. I notice all manner of things, large and small, obvious and subtle; straightforward and quirky. These gifts are here, whether I notice them or not. I attribute them to a benevolent force more powerful than me. I let my thank yous flow free and abundant.

The second aspect of prayer is ASKING for what I want more of. Something that is not as easy as it sounds for many of us. Reaching for what our hearts desired was often shamed out of us as children, and it was not in our repertoire to believe that we were worthy of asking God for what we wanted. Therefore, we unlearned to naturally reach for what we wanted or put importance on developing a regular or clear sense of what we liked or preferred. Rather we learned to hope that if we were good enough (not greedy or selfish), God would reward us with all He thought we needed and that was the correct and proper way of it. Nor were we encouraged to know ourselves; to understand what made us uniquely ourselves, and what made our unique hearts sing (beyond merely getting by). This is what we saw our parents doing too. I sometimes attribute this trait to my Puritan ancestors. Make no mistake, it is not normal or healthy; it is a form of intergenerational trauma. But I digress.

I now understand that for so many years my body was too bound up in defenses and unprocessed emotions to ask for what I wanted. And there was the issue of the missing skill set. That is what I am working on now. And I am making beautiful strides. This crucial step in growing one’s self up emotionally involves studying oneself and noticing when they like something. A smile creeps over your face. You feel lighter. You sense that your heart has been flung open. Or there might be a subtle putting down of defenses, a relaxing. A nod. And then taking that one step further, taking the risk to admit, I want more of that, please. Can you help me? For me, that is the third aspect of prayer: HUMILITY.

As I dedicate these days to studying myself, caring for myself and slowing way down in the heart of this God-Only-Knows-What-To-Call-It-Time, I think of The Serenity Prayer, which tells us to ask for the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference. This is such an important prayer to be praying at this time. Being confused about what we do and don’t have control of is something that might also have followed us from emotionally impoverished childhoods. It was developmentally appropriate at age seven to believe we had control of things we absolutely did not. Many of us learned that we should try to control things we had no business controlling – other people’s moods, feelings, opinions of us. And without proper role models or any other way to recognize these errors, we entered into adulthood with the toxic combination of unexamined shame and unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others: I am responsible for the bad things that are happening. I am responsible for your bad mood, etc. I should be doing something to fix this. And if I try harder to be what you need me to be, then I might be able to get what I so desperately need.

Wisdom often comes with maturity which comes not just from getting older, but from resolving trauma and releasing hurt from the past. It is what helps us know whether we should accept a thing or fight to change it. And whether it is ours to change.

My wish for you is that you learn to cultivate a prayer practice beginning with gratitude. Pray. Ask for what you want, even if you’re not sure what to ask for. Even when you can’t see how your heart’s desires could possibly be granted. Spend time thinking about what you would rather have. What you want more of, what would truly delight you. Go ahead. Make it detailed, and imagine what it feels, looks, tastes, smells and sounds like when you actually have what you have asked for. Write those things down because they matter.

You are an infinite being of light; one cell in the organism of humanity. And that organism needs you and me to be fully who we are. It needs for us to choose for ourselves what we want. To reach for what makes us shine, what delights us, to bud and blossom into all of who we are, which necessitates kicking into self-care mode, fearless self-attunement. I do this now in order to coax out what I had deemed as my shadow before, but which is actually my Great Self.

Spirit, please let this time be the container I need to study, to know and to nurture my Great Self. Help me to appreciate and cherish Her. Help me to value Her above all else. Guide me so that I can be the person I came here to be, to contribute what the world needs most from me and can only get from me. Guide me so that I can find my way to my tribe, to feel that I belong. To share physical warmth, harmony and deep connection in a supportive family environment, to be part of a whole – a thing of great functional beauty. This family community is the one that gets to usher in a new version of modern life. A more sustainable one, connected to heart and filled with physical and emotional warmth, balance and beauty. Thank you, and so it is. Amen.

📿

Thank you, Spirit, for putting me in a family of visionaries and healers. Three of the healers and visionaries who continue to inspire me, who never cease to amaze me with the way they use their gifts and talents to make the world a better place, and serve as role models for me, also happen to be my biological sisters. If you don’t already know them, allow me to introduce them to you:

Tracy Barnett inspires me endlessly in her tireless ability to see the bigger picture, to be an advocate for the planet, and for people who are on the front lines making strides toward not just environmental and economic sustainability but regenerative living. She has helped me to add flesh to the bones of my vision of what that kind of life might look and feel like, and that is such a priceless gift. She supports so many in telling their stories that would otherwise go untold. With her magnificent heart and her journalistic spirit, she shows us the world, and introduces us to change makers and wisdom holders. I hope you will check out her Patreon and learn more about Tracy at Esperanza Project. She also studies Aztec Astrology, is part of an Aztec Danza Community in Guadalajara Mexico, and conducts bimonthly interviews for Mundo Holistiko TV on Tuesdays. Watch her Facebook page for alerts.

Tami Brunk Tami’s knowledge of astrology, ancient myths and symbols, dreams, and all the wild things that connect us to and on the planet never fails to knock my socks off. You can follow her astrology oracles on her YouTube channel here or learn more about her work and sign up for her newsletter here. Her Substack will be live later this summer, enroll now here.

She is currently in the process of moving to Substack but hasn’t activated it yet. Stay tuned!

And last, but certainly not least: Trina Brunk has been one of those people who leads by example in her dedication to working on her mental and spiritual well-being, and from this example I have benefited tremendously. Also leading in music, she has branched out into new forms of connecting, and fostering positive change in her community and the world. Affecting change is one of those topics that can get tricky fast, and that’s why it thrills me no end that she is aware of the importance of bringing presence and embodiment to activism.

All of Trina’s albums contain nuggets of wisdom that calm the mind and soothe the soul. But for these times, I especially recommend her latest one, Stop, Drop and Feel, which is what we all need to do when we notice that our systems are in overdrive, and we need to downregulate. These days, Trina refers to herself as “a weaver of songs and other natural fibers.” Her current teacher and muse is the dandelion. You can often find her singing in her garden or with her beloved community for love, justice and positive social change. Check out her new album on Bandcamp here, and here on Insight Timer.

📿

I have immeasurable gratitude for these three during this time of great transformation and change. If you need inspiration or support on your journey of learning to better care for yourself and/or create a better future for yourself and the planet, I encourage you to check out their offerings for a deeper, richer, more connected reality for yourself and those in your circle.

Repost Note: Since this post’s original publication, I’ve moved to Missouri, where I now live with and play in a community surrounded by my natural and soul family. Prayer really works. I am so grateful. Feel free to reach out to me, or schedule a time where I can help you find the words to ask for what your heart yearns for, or remove the blocks that have been obstructing your reaching for them.

Why Tarot

For me, child development, field dynamics, intergenerational patterns, self-parenting, and the language of empowerment are naturally blending with Tarot, in its potential to help us see who we are as individuals – not through the lens of trauma and our wounds, but through our potential as creative and spiritual beings walking on this planet, during this lifetime.

My entrance point into Tarot was Jessica Dore, a Jungian-influenced social worker. Coming across her book – Tarot for Change: Using the Cards for Self-Care, Acceptance & Growth, and all the deep, helpful content Dore offers there – prompted me to buy my first real Tarot deck. It is the one Jessica Dore uses, the Rider–Waite deck. Before that I had owned random divination decks (which all have their unique and magical qualities, don’t get me wrong), from Angels and Faeries, to Animals, given that the language of dreams, metaphysics and symbols has always been a huge fascination for me. These have proven themselves, over time, to be trustworthy companions when I have been in need of answers, when I ached for deeper understanding. When comfort and reassurance in the form of just the right words weren’t forthcoming from the places others seemed to be getting them: other people, intimate relationships, health care professionals, my logical mind. Most would agree that all of this is innocent and safe enough. Right? A way to use synchronicity to connect with deeper meaning, guidance, and self-resonance. Hardly controversial. We need this. Humans have done this forever.

Then at my Friday Coffee Group last month, a friend happened to bring The Tarot Handbook: Practical Applications of Ancient Visual Symbols, by Angeles Arrien. There it was, lying on the table in front of me, and as I reached for it, I felt another very deep and resounding yes. Encountering this book and beginning to connect with the symbology, the archetypes and the nuts and bolts of using numerology to calculate soul- and personality-level, life-time archetypes, growth symbols, and growth cycles gave me an unmistakable and unambiguous YES, and I’ve been deeply immersed ever since. Now I have new toys to play with in my creative field: the Thoth Tarot Deck by Aleister Crowley and Lady Frieda Harris, and the book that showed up at coffee group on that auspicious day. My friends, I have officially entered “the occult.”

I hope this thrills and delights you, as more of us are working our way out from under the collective spell of Christianity as it shows up in its various destructive forms in the world today. A version of Christianity that has silenced the ancient wisdom and the proper place of the feminine in spirituality for thousands of years. We need that wisdom now more than ever.

In the name of recovery and self-reclamation (and because, luckily, this is my vocation), I have done so much work to understand my infant and child self in terms of the wounds, losses, and hardship because it was the best I could do. And it has brought me a long way in reconnecting with my body and my emotional self. It has been important work, but from here, I can take it so much further.

As I play with the archetypes and the systems the Tarot incorporates, so many things fall into place. So many of my needs are met. How else might I have even thought to ask the questions:

Who was I, besides a poor, forlorn child who got separated from her mother?
What other forces are at play in my development besides the coping strategies I devised to deal with the stresses of my childhood home, and ensure that I had a place there?
What inherent qualities did I bring in? (Long ago I rejected the idea that as children we are blank slates that our parents write upon to shape and form us.)

Tarot can offer us something tangibly essential in the absence of local, in-person communities made up of the grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts and uncles, and neighbors that were always present in indigenous villages. This new game offers us a way to see ourselves from a more universal perspective. When we are born, we come into our human families with inherent qualities. Incarnating allows us opportunities to experience life, including all the ways we contort ourselves to hide our essential gifts and qualities in attempts to fit into our families. With just a little help, we can reconnect with our essential selves. We can unearth and embrace who we really are. Having access to the archetypes and taking advantage of the synchronicity that Tarot offers is a rich and extremely nuanced way to unearth, reclaim and celebrate our inherent selves and our place in the world. Whether it resonates or not is up to us to decide. At the very least, the ancient lore of Tarot gives us a starting point.

Be among the first 10 people who respond and you’ll get $50 off this 90 minute reading. Schedule here: https://app.greminders.com/c/tonirahman/celticcrosstaro

Ramblings – Interpersonal Neurobiology & Affirmations

Interpersonal Neurobiology. This is a pairing of words that always gets my attention. Some days it makes me feel inadequate because I haven’t chosen this as a field of study, per se. Some days I feel sad because I want to have the title Interpersonal Neurobiologist, and I don’t. But today it just makes me sit in wonder, pure awe of the universe we live in, and the things we get to do here.

I guess I could say that I know a fair amount about interpersonal dynamics. I could say, also, that I have made a decent attempt to inform myself about the nervous system and how the nervous systems of individuals respond to other nervous systems, and how we come into our lives here on earth with nervous systems that aren’t fully developed, and we need the nervous systems of other people, particularly our mothers, in order to develop and properly grow and mature. I can unarguably claim over half a century of experience trying to figure out how to regulate my own nervous system, and have actually had some success in the past decade or so. And now, from a place where I have some agency and confidence around my ability to calm my own nervous system, I am discovering that I am excited about getting even better at it. And excited, also, that this can only be done with the help of and in the company of other people. I can honestly say that this–at this particular moment–terrifies me almost as much as it thrills me. I know this because of a nightmare that woke me up this morning. I come back to that later.

But whether it is a community potluck, a group of people sitting around a bonfire, an online class, group therapy, a 12-Step Group, or Thanksgiving Dinner at Grandma’s, people can come together and actually be better off from having done so. Am I the only one feeling the profound potential here? Because if I’m honest, tapping into and using this potential has not worked well for me in too many contexts in the past, and since that has only relatively recently changed for me, I want to compare notes with those of you who are still reaching and yearning and working for rich and deep and satisfying and inspiring and gorgeous and transformative interactions with other humans as the new normal.

As I survey what I see as our dominant society and culture, as humans in the 21st Century, we have created, on the grandest scale, groups, systems, institutions and organizations that at best are failing to produce what we most need in the world today and at worst represent all of the things we loathe and wish with all our hearts to avoid. Yes, there are good things happening, but I am not willing to dismiss this overarching state of affairs right now. Families too often fail to protect and nurture their children, churches intentionally terrify and bewilder us and extract our resources, governing bodies fail to come together to represent or serve our best interests. And I don’t even begin to have words to talk about our economy. Resources, time, money and life force energy is being wasted in all the ways. We try, like swashbucklers, to make these groups and organizations work for us, to do our part; to do the right thing. But in the end, maybe the only way to maintain our sanity is to accept that we can’t and never will be able to make these groups work for us. And to accept that it’s actually okay, because we can get what we want and need (and have a whole lot of fun while we’re at it) anyway. (I do realize that there are people out there whose truth it is to work in institutions, and my hat’s off to you. I don’t diminish the value of what you are doing. It’s just clearly not my gig.)

What if it’s true that there is absolutely nothing stopping us from convening and collaborating our intentions and energies in a different way? What if we can count on ourselves and our own senses to know what we desire, so that we can join forces and explore and create and play? And what if organizing with safe others for creative play is actually the solution to all our problems? That is the realm in which my interests lie at the moment.

As I push myself to do things outside of the familiar; outside of my personal comfort zone, I am benefiting in so many ways. In preparation for our next Family Constellations Circle, I can identify, name and use my fears, my emotions, my worries, to build reassurances and encouragements and positive statements to use for myself to help me calm my nervous system (because Toni, who do you think you are to be doing something so bold and outside the box? is notably not calming my nervous system).

Spoiler Alert: this post ends with the list of affirmations I plan to use for the next couple weeks. Feel free to use those affirmations that have meaning for you, and use any others as seed ideas to build your own affirmations if that helps you to reassure your vulnerable inner children.

I’m pretty sure my angels and guides woke me up this morning with a dream and a realization that I need to double down on identifying and removing hidden obstacles to speaking from my heart in real time. Because this is the reason being in groups has not worked for me in the past.

My work now is to use my dream material to help me notice and name, one by one, the things that may keep me from speaking freely from my heart in real time. See if any of these resonate for you too.

Shame about being so caught up in my own anxiety and stress that I can’t receive information from my senses about what’s happening in the moment. Disappointment in myself for not performing up to my own standards or as well as someone else who I’m sure could do it better. Shame for not being in control of my own body/nervous system.
Fear of being blindsided by a trigger reflex, which shuts down the ability to enjoy connecting with others. Fear of missing the juiciest and sweetest parts because I’m so fixated on something that “should” be and isn’t, or getting it perfect.
Fear of having to pretend to be completely present, calm and relaxed, while actually feeling a bit stunned and not sure I can connect to the words I need to express what I want to express and to accomplish my goals. Shame because I’m not feeling the calm and relaxed and grounded state I’m asking my group to feel. Fear that I won’t have what I need when I need it. Fear that I am inadequate, a fraud. Fear that what I have to offer (me being me, with my ideas, my contribution, my emotions, my processes and needs) is not of value.
Fear of inadequately or incompletely expressing the breadth and depth of myself, my knowledge and lived experience. Being misunderstood. Fear of selling myself short, fear of disappointing people, of not delivering what others want and need. Fear that I can’t trust myself and my instincts.
Fear of not having the integration I need to express myself in an engaging way when I want to. Fear of not being healed enough or skilled enough or capable enough or worthy of attention and trust.
(and get this) Fear of actually getting what I’m asking for; of truly succeeding. Fear that if I succeed, I won’t be able to handle the big feelings and issues and problems that come with that.
Chronic, unconscious muscular tension. Unconsciously clenching muscles. In the body in general, including but not limited to the physiological avenue of expression. Chronic, unconscious tension in the body restricts the free flow of information from the body to the brain and vice versa. I suspect that I have yet-to-be-identified muscular tension that keeps me from expressing emotions as they come up and advocating for myself, especially in circumstances where I feel I might be out of line somehow, or going against dominant paradigms (which is just asking for bad things to happen, right?) Women can’t be openly powerful or successful (without paying for it). It’s not safe to be powerful. It’s not safe to openly be a channel for the divine.

And at the bottom of all of that I notice a subtle but very primal fear of being cast out, being rejected, being dismissed, being exiled, or otherwise paying the price.

Affirmations

I’ve actually been experimenting with bringing more consciousness to my desires and actively manifesting more of what I desire in my life.
The results I’m getting are practically immediate, mostly delightful, new and surprising, and I am learning about myself as I go along.
I get to make adjustments when unexpected things crop up and I become aware of needs I didn’t know about before.
I am capable of learning from my experiences.
I’m actually not too bad at this.
It is my responsibility to value and honor myself by building in spaciousness and care and attunement around any group offering I decide to make (risks I take in new areas of my life, around tender new skills I am just developing).
I accept that responsibility and make self care a priority, fully realizing that I will perform better and feel better about my performance if I am better prepared, physically, spiritually, emotionally, psychologically.
I have all the support and guidance I need to adequately prepare for these events.
The fact that I can imagine how it feels when I can relax and draw on my experience and knowledge to hold the space well (help my group members feel comfortable and prepared to participate in a group that goes the way I want it to go, and benefits all who attend) tells me that I am capable.
I can accept myself exactly as I am as I strengthen my skills.
I am worthy of consideration, kindness and patience as I learn and grow.
I do not have to be perfect.
When I get clear on what I want and need and articulate it, my needs are met as if by magic.
My feelings help me know what I want and need.
I know something about emotions and nervous systems, and I can trust myself to come up with the words I need to adequately express myself.
This is not a competition.
I don’t need to compare myself with anyone else.
I can just be me.
I am good enough.
I’m not asking too much of myself.
I do this with every client, reliably.
The only thing is I am increasing the number of people I’m doing it with at one time.
I’m in this for the long haul.
I am committed to learning how to care for myself well.
I am gaining more and more confidence in my ability to stay emotionally regulated and present in any group space, especially those that I call and facilitate.

My responsibility is to hold the container knowing that I can respond appropriately, and guide the process.

I trust that I am adequately supported to do this, and that it is mine to do.
I give myself grace, knowing that I am human, and I will probably not do it perfectly, but that it will be okay.
Participants will be able to give me feedback that I can digest and integrate as appropriate.

What makes this risk worthwhile to me, is that in larger groups, we can accomplish extravagant healings in the context of the constellations, while learning even more about family systems and how they work, and how we’re more connected and alike than we ever knew. And we can actually participate in and support the healing of the others in the group in ways we never imagined were possible–all while bringing that same healing to ourselves. All of us benefit, and the effects ripple outward into our communities and the world.

Gleanings from the Dream

I’m pushing up against my comfort edge, learning something new.
In the role of teacher/facilitator, my responsibility is to the class, ensuring safety, and making sure people have my calm and compassionate presence.
This is not particularly new. What is new is being recognized for it, asking for and receiving support for it, and getting paid for it.
Neuropathways in my brain are being built, but many of the most essential ones are not even approaching finished.
This could take some time.
I need to pay attention to my habit of scrambling to fulfill my responsibilities to others. I can relax and trust that all is as it should be. I am not alone.
I’m noticing that I have been efforting quite a bit, failing to recognize and honor the stage of development that I’m at. There is risk in forcing things to happen before their time.
Ultimately I have to surrender and accept that the way I need to go (the long and slow way around), while it seems cumbersome and inefficient, it is way more effective and efficient in the long run. From where I currently stand, it is apparently the only way, and all I can do is accept that and work with it.
Pay attention to the process. There are profoundly beautiful and unexpected scenes along the way, not just at the end.
I am definitely not on my own.
I can always count on my wise, creative self who is always working behind the scenes to help me problem solve, and connect with other very capable and state-of-the-art supports so I can regroup and return to my creative goals and responsibilities.

Playing With Subtle Energies: Explaining the Unexplainable

Hello Friends,

Many years ago I was introduced to this mysterious, powerful, and beautiful therapeutic modality called Family Constellations. Immediately fascinated and enchanted, I sought out a group or a therapist here in the Midwest, and had my own constellation done. I had to drive all the way to Sedalia, MO and the group that assembled there was quite small, yet still powerful. That therapist has since passed on, and I’ve moved forward in my life as well. In Mexico, I learned that Family Constellations work is extremely popular, and most of the therapists I met had been trained in it, use it in their therapies, and many offer regular groups. In 2013 I attended a 5-day “congress” about Family Constellations in Acapulco, Mexico, attended by a huge number of people, with speakers from all over the world, and my adventures south of the border kicked off that way – in the realm of the magical, Explicando lo Inexplicable (Explaining the Unexplainable). I began attending these groups in Guadalajara as often as I could. Often they brought me to tears, even in Spanish, because they worked with something much older and much more powerful than words. And I could feel things shifting and reaching greater integration in my body, a deeper, very resonant feeling that my problems are not so unique, and that so many of them have been passed down, from past generations. In the world of Family Constellations, things can be put right though. Repairs can be made, and it is a truly beautiful and awe-inspiring thing.

I’m telling you about this now because I have a desire to play with the subtle energies of this therapeutic modality, and as I am still learning how groups in general work, I won’t be charging what most constellators charge. And I want it to be available, even for people who have limited resources. Contact me if you want more information, if you think you and a few people in your community might like to set something up. We need anywhere from 8 to 18 people, and a place that is quiet and large enough for us to move around in.

I can see how my exposure to Family Constellations as well as my training and background in CranioSacral Therapy both shape and affect my EMDR practice, and I now use a kind of hybrid of all three with my clients. We have started a constellation group in Columbia and our first four circles have been extremely powerful. Having the ability to take my work into a group context excites me no end. I’ve included a couple links so you can check it out below. Let me know what you think.

https://www.ulsamer.com/family-constellation/family-constellations-according-to-bert-hellinger/

Rupert Sheldrake talks about Family Constellations and the morphogenic field. You may want to Google that topic and follow your own curiosity.

The swirling blue on white figures in the image I include with this post make me think of the “as above, so below” phenomenon that we see in nature, and the correspondence between different planes of existence. Here, I almost see both the neurons that make up any living organism (or a brain!) and the humans that make up any living community. The design was part of the 2013 Constellations Congress I attended in Acapulco.

Learn about the Zulu origins of Family Constellations here.

Election Day 2020

I elect to follow beauty, harmony, joy, resonance. I elect to explore new levels of peace and playfulness. I elect to be in the moment, following the guidance of my heart and my infinite potential. I elect to release shame, guilt, obligation, bitterness, urges to control, judgment, comparisons, projections. I elect to allow the beauty of this moment, of this time, to fully enter my consciousness. Spirit, thank you for this opportunity to be more of what I came here to be. I am open.

Thank you for these glorious playmates you sent into my life. Help me to love them and myself well. Help me to honor and cherish them and myself in the ways that glorify you, and all of life. Help us all to move through this time of great awakening. Help us know the gods and goddesses we are. May love rise up and conquer fear and brokenness in all of the dark places as well as the light. Today, Election Day, 2020. May it be a glorious resurrection of love. May we all trust, regardless of any illusions that might suggest otherwise, that it is so. Amen.

Announcing my Body-Owner’s Manual

Happy October everybody. I wanted to let you know that the manual is up and available for purchase at Amazon. However, it is also available in PDF or Word format. Just let me know if you’d like your own copy. Just send me an e-mail and I’d be happy to give that to you for free.

To me it feels tragic that a person can go through any significant portion of their lives feeling alone and unsupported! I’d like to say that at the ripe old age of 56 I have put this feeling thoroughly and completely behind me. And I think this manual is what turned the key. I am so so so so excited!! I’ll tell you a little secret: I started taking tango lessons!!!!

But in all seriousness, the feeling of isolation, having only oneself to count on, and chronic touch deficit is entirely too prevalent in our society, and only exacerbated by Covid-19 and our political divisions. It is my belief that the current state of our country has its cause deep in early relational trauma, which leaves people feeling that they are different, alone, and lacking in essential resources and belonging. And people who feel like this are susceptible to the messages and shenanigans of narcissists and sociopaths. They have yet to find a durable and supportive tribe or connect with stable roots. As they move through life, these feelings become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Body Owner’s Guide for the Stewards of the New Earth: My Meta Self Owner’s Guide offers you eight chapters, channeled by eight loving ethereal masters, offering nuggets of wisdom in a format that can be read from start to finish or opened at random to spark your creative juices and inspire you to reach for more of what your soul is longing for. This handy reference book includes affirmations, dream interpretations and more, with the intention of bringing into focus a vision of a post-trauma future.

Though this manual was created for me, it is also intended to inspire you to strengthen your connections with your own angels, guides and ancestors. They are always there, and there is nothing they would like more than to see you learn how to care for yourself well. May this set you on the path of creating your own personal volume.

Affirmations to Address Blocks to Sweetness and Abundance

And the kicker, which is a combination of my conditioning and what my body instinctively knows: This really is a matter of life or death. I die either way. If I’m not attuned to or if I demand what I want/need. The ultimate double bind.

(As infants) “our most intimate sense of self is created in our minute-to-minute exchanges with our caregivers.”
“Early attachment patterns create the inner maps that chart our relationships throughout life, not only in terms of what we expect from others, but also in terms of how much comfort and pleasure we can experience in their presence.”
Bessel van der Kolk in The Body Keeps the Score

I get to reach out for what I want.
I am more of who I came here to be when I reach for what I want.
I get connection that feels sweet to me.
I get to have friends who give of themselves, who have skills, who do their emotional work.
Doing without is not a virtue.
Doing without is a way of shutting down and blocking the flow of good.
Identifying with doing without is another form of anger, resentment and unfelt pain.
God and I are on the same team.
God tells me what I want and need by giving me emotional responses, which I can attune to, and learn from.
I can be involved in this process.
It isn’t some mysterious process that happens behind the scenes.
If I stay in denial about my emotions and needs, I am telling myself that I am not worthy of my own care and attention.
There is no reward for applying austerity measures in response to scarcity.
I am totally worthy of the sweet stuff.
Doing without is not what gets me what I should have had in the first place.
Doing without is not what gets me what is already available and free for the taking: the really sweet stuff of life.
The really sweet stuff of life is free.
I am the one who gets to say what I like and what is sweet to me, in each moment.
There is no should when it comes to my desires.
I am completely worthy of pursuing my heart’s desires.
Spirit is right behind me, encouraging me to reach for and satisfy exactly that.
My heart’s desires are gifts, and I can attune to them, clarify them, and explore them.
I am encouraged to act on my desires.
I can be deeply satisfied even when I am reaching for other things I don’t yet have.
Me being deeply satisfied hurts nobody!
I can get what I want and need.
I release the pain, frustration, anger, resentment, and terror of not being well-attuned to in infancy and childhood.
I can let that go now.

These affirmations sprung out of my head after working with a client who shares my blocks around moving from scarcity to abundance.

The fear and pain and resentment that is trapped in a human body from infancy and childhood can be expressed in words. Once the words are stated, a part of oneself can feel seen, heard and validated. Once the feelings are acknowledged, they can actually be released.

Here are the emotions (not truths) expressed in words:

• If I do without (the sweet stuff – these profoundly necessary things: connection, being attuned to well, expression of my desires) I will be rewarded.
• The real reward comes if I am self-disciplined and accept doing without (without complaining or being upset).
• I will be rewarded with what I “really” need (what God thinks I need).
• If I accept the lie and tell myself I’m not worthy – for some reason – of the sweet stuff in life, then I will subconsciously believe that doing without what I really want will get me what I should have; that I will be rewarded and that I will then be worthy.
• Sacrificing gets me the good stuff, that I may or may not like or understand, but God knows better than me, so I’ll trust and accept that.
• If I accept the other lie that what I really want is not a trustworthy or reliable gauge of what I should have, I’ll eventually get what I should have.
• I can’t trust my desires, for sure. That will bring me unhappiness.
• Acknowledging my desires and outwardly reaching for what I want is selfish and bad and will only result in unhappiness.
• I will be punished if I act on my desires.
• There will be serious negative consequences if my wants and needs are deeply satisfied. It will probably really hurt someone I love.
• It is impossible for my wants and needs to be satisfied, so it’s an infernal waste of time to pursue that or focus on them.
• This really is a matter of life or death. I die either way.
• If I’m not attuned to or if I ask directly for what I want/need.

Too Much On Your To-Do List?

You work your tail off to get things done. You find ways to do things efficiently (you have actually gotten really good at this) and you still have to put the sweat, blood, tears and hours in, and often it takes longer than you planned. You end up feeling lousy because it “takes you so long to do things,” thinking that your aunt or your sister-in-law could have done it in half the time – right? If you’re not criticizing yourself for not doing enough, then you disparage yourself for taking on too much – though you can’t imagine what you could possibly leave undone. Especially during certain times of the year, or even certain years, or in certain phases there is just so much to do it can feel truly overwhelming. Holiday time and extra travel can certainly leave me feeling this way. Here is a secret trick I have learned that ALWAYS helps:

Remind yourself that this phase is temporary. Though it’s hard to see the end of it, there are certain things you can do that will help in the short run.
Make a list of AAAAALLLLLL the things that have to be done right now.
Re-write the list so that it is actually 2 lists:

A. The things I can and will do today (or tomorrow)

B. The rest

Ask your spiritual helpers, your higher self and the Universe to help you with everything on the B list while you are working as hard as you can on the A list (some call this God). They can, will, and are already, but you have to take these items off the A list and ask your helpers for this to work really well.
Focus your attention on what you have decided that you can do today.
Each day, appreciate yourself for the items that you were able to get off the A list, reassess what you will commit to completing during the next day or two (or hour or two), and in the process notice how some of the things on the B list are taking care of themselves or progressing in some way that you did not have to be involved in.
Thank yourself for remembering that getting things done is actually of secondary importance. Being a decent person and staying connected to yourself and your loved ones is of primary importance – always.
Notice and appreciate the help you are receiving from the Universe and from others and marvel at the magic you can do when you let go and focus only on what you can control.
Go easy on yourself. It never helps to chastise yourself for not having the help you need.
There are things on that list that only you can and should do. There are other things on the list that will take care of themselves on their own. Over time you may see things that you’d love to ask others to help you with. But when you solicit the help of others remember that they may also be feeling the stress of their own responsibilities, regardless of how it appears.
Ask your helpers to send you someone who would benefit from helping you (truly helping, truly capable, bringing positivity into your life).
Putting items in your B list is trusting that you can be truly and abundantly supported, and letting go of rigid ideas about how things will turn out. If you can loosen your grip on them, you may be surprised at how they turn out even better than you expected!