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Did you ever have a moment when you were struck by a truth that was so profound that you simply knew it would change your life forever?  And then you remembered learning this profound truth at some chapter of your life seemingly ages ago?

I am struck by such a knowing this morning, and it goes like this:

I HAVE NEEDS, AND I AM WORTHY OF HAVING THEM MET.

The emphasis this time around is on all the reasons, subconsciously held, that have somehow made us feel like needs were something that other people had and got met — not us.  Now, as I feel myself launching into a new phase of my life, I am forced to examine my life to identify those things that I want to be sure to include — those things that make me feel whole, safe, and comfortable.

As I ponder this truth and how it has presented over time, I wonder if one of my most persistent needs is the rhythm of attuning and re-attuning to myself.  And the building of trust in myself — the trust that I can be counted upon to reliably do this, in any situation I might find myself in.

Right now, one of the things I ache for is adventure.  Drilling down into this ache, more specifically, it is perhaps novelty that I desire.  More specifically still, a new territory to explore — more specifically, being in a place where I have an opportunity to use my five senses and something more to locate and attain material things, rhythms and systems that I need to feel whole, safe, and comfortable.  This journey — this process — is what I seem to be seeking.

And now that the empty nest looms large, my primary responsibility will be to myself.  There will be no real reason to postpone my pursuit of my personal needs — extravagant as that sounds as I think it.  Not that my children were ever a real reason for me to postpone my needs, though there might have been moments when that seemed true.

The people who have shared with me their stories and thoughts of late have helped me identify unconscious conclusions that I had drawn along life’s journey that (until challenged) stood in the way of self-attunement, and a healthy and balanced life.  These include, maybe I’m not worthy of having my needs met because:

• I did something wrong.
• my needs are unreasonable.
• my needs are an inconvenience to myself or others.
• I am somehow flawed.
• I’m lazy, disorganized, imperfect.
• my needs are just too much to deal with.
• my needs are a threat to others.

And now, as I lay the foundation for my new life, I use these little gifts — shaping them into another form that sustains, supports, and nurtures:

• I love and accept myself with all my needs, desires, and imperfections.
• Regardless of anything I do or am, I have needs and they are normal.
• It is safe to explore my needs and desires.
• It is okay to reach for what I want.
• It is okay to want more.
• I am willing to do what it takes to care for myself.
• Doing what I need to do to care for myself benefits everyone.

And so it is.

According to an article I just read, a variety of mental disturbances are linked to intestinal toxemia.  The article cites a study done back in 1917 that showed that “by treating a patient’s bowel toxicity, there was an alleviation of the following symptoms: mental sluggishness, dullness, stupidity, loss of concentration, memory, and mental coordination, irritability, lack of confidence, excessive worry, exaggerated introspection, hypochondriasis, phobias, depression, melancholy, obsessions, delusions, hallucinations, suicidal tendencies, delirium, stupor, and senility.  Furthermore, when intestinal toxemia was treated, physical symptoms such as fatigue, nervousness, gastrointestinal conditions, impaired nutrition, skin manifestations, endocrine disturbances, headaches, sciatica, various other forms of low back pain, allergies, eye, ear, nose, throat, and sinus problems, and even cardiac irregularities were reversed.”  Why has this research not been brought into our mainstream dialogue about mental health and nutrition?

I completely believe in the power of creative thought.  I just want to take a minute to share something that I noticed about my manifestation process.  Today, it was a perfectly good day.  I did notice some angst, but it was manageable.  When I examined it, I noticed that it was about having so much to do and so little time to do it.  A little background: I have been fearing how my life will change when my youngest child goes to college in the fall.  I have feared that having too much unstructured time will make me depressed and unmotivated.  Back to today: I’m zipping through my day and I’m telling myself, “there is enough time to do everything I need to do.  Everything I need to do falls into place as if by magic,”  And that is what happens.  I mark things off my list, I do all the things I need to do, small miracles happening at every turn.  And I’m breathless, and excited and grateful.  And I notice that this is kind of how things have been going lately: things get done, I do a good job, but there is NO time between tasks to breathe or to sit or to rest or to read, or even to think about sitting down for an hour to practice my Rosetta Stone Spanish course.  “Hmmm” I say to myself.  “I asked for this, didn’t I?”  I asked for this because I was afraid I couldn’t be trusted with extra time.  The universe obliged me.  Could be I need to re-think what I am asking for.  Here are some ideas of what I need to do to tweak my creative process:  “I can be trusted to manage my time.”  “My resources and knowledge are readily available to me.”  “I am guided continually toward my highest good.”  “I move through life with grace and ease.”  “I have ample time to do all the things I need to do including to pause, to process, and to rest.”

Philomina Gwanfogbe Ph.D. spoke at the Clover’s Natural Foods Store on Wednesday, Sept 5. about our tendency to crave sweets, and what we can do about it. I’ve captured highlights from her talk below.

At the beginning of her talk, Phil told us that she was going to tell us things that would change our relationship with food forever. She was right. And I’ve been talking about it ever since.

The Body, she says, is always striving for balance. This is what it does, and it’s how we adapt to our environment, and survive in such diverse conditions.
Sugar is not the problem, she says. It’s the instantaneous solution, or the solution in the moment. It’s not the problem. It’s a solution. It gives us energy. It makes us feel happy.
She points out that in finding a balance, when we eat more yin foods (green leafy vegetables, sugar, alcohol), then our bodies achieve balance by sending a signal to the brain to take in more yang foods (meaty, salty, rooty). These are the foods that ground us. When we eat a lot of yang foods, like typical Americans do, we then crave yin foods to balance them out.
Food in restaurants, she notices, are typically high in salt and meat protein, which tend to make us feel the need for a sweet beverage (soda) to balance it out.
She also said that often when people crave sweets, it’s actually because they are thirsty. She says that most Americans are chronically dehydrated. She says you need to drink water whether you are thirsty or not. Think about this: the process of digestion takes place in the medium of liquids. If we are dehydrated, the absorption of nutrients in our food is compromised.

Here is a simple rule you can follow with regard to cravings. When I notice a craving, I can:
1) Take a few deep breaths, and notice what the craving feels like. If it’s still there,
2) Have a glass of water. If it’s still there,
3) Check to see if there are other causes for the craving (besides a need for food – more on this later).

Here’s an idea you have probably not thought about lately. Besides the foods we typically think of (that pass through our digestive systems – Secondary Foods), we have a need for what she calls Primary Foods. These include:

• Special Relationships
• Nourishing Spiritual Practices
• Satisfying Work/Career
• Things we love
• Loving Treatment of our Bodies

Phil says that Primary Foods are crucial to effective utilization of Secondary Foods. Imagine that. Primary foods are what can successfully fill the void we are trying to (but will never) fill with Secondary Foods. Think about that. She says that in the absence of Primary Foods, I will not only have a void, but I will have low energy, no matter how much I eat. Sure, I can do the sugar thing, but that is only a short-term fix. Treating low energy or “the void” with sugar is identical to any other addiction. It is an attempt to feel better, that actually makes things worse, and worse, and worse.

In summary, If I don’t fill my need for primary foods, I won’t ever be able to really satisfy my cravings.
Phil’s practice is built around the premise that the Body has a natural inborn ability to heal itself. I think that’s fantastic, and of course I believe that too. So let’s put this to the test. Remember the next time you have a craving, take a few deep breaths, drink a glass of water, and then check to see if you are still having your craving. Go ahead and eat what it is you are craving, but think about what is happening here. Make it a priority to take the necessary steps to meet your other important needs, that are so often overlooked and neglected. Phil recommends putting a list on the refrigerator for easy access. Here’s what my list of Primary Foods looks like today.

Since engaging in a creative project is one of my most important Primary Foods, I am going to make a project out of refining and presenting this list. I encourage you to begin working on a list of your own!

• Working on a creative project
• Learning new tools
• Nature
• Connecting deeply with others
• The arts
• Bicycling
• Reading a book
• Travel
• Listening to my daughters play
• Sharing ideas
• Yard work
• Hard physical labor
• Cooking
• Camping with kids
• Sharing food
• To be held
• Hanging out downtown
• Spending time with a child
• Watching a sunset
• Seeing the sun rise
• Playing Pinochle
• Sharing a meal
• Noodling

Making sure that your Primary Food needs are met requires some time and effort, but, as Phil says, it is certainly worth it! Check out Phil’s online presence at www.mynaturalhealingability.com.

The Study Guide to the course is now available at Amazon.com!  It will also be included when you purchase the specially priced Getting Real Bundle for the upcoming Boundaries 101 course I am now offering online.

Studies in Boundaries

The issue of boundaries pervades our lives in ways that are so subtle, yet so profound, that once they are mastered, simply everything changes. Join this group for practical information, insight, and training on this fascinating subject. Learn how emotions and boundaries work together. Build and strengthen your personal boundaries and learn when others are pushing and violating yours. I am interested in forming an online group that meets for 5-6 consecutive weeks. Timing will depend on preference of participants.* Half price for current and past clients and graduates of Boundaries 101.

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• Newcomer Price: $24
• Getting Real Bundle: $98 (includes the following)
  • 5-6-Week Class
  • Copy of Study Guide
  • 90-minute Skype Session

*We will need 8-12 committed participants in order to make this a viable group.

For more information, call me at (573) 999-6011 or e-mail me at:               

You may be wondering what Karla McLaren is talking about when she refers to the three stages of initiation.  What she is referring to are three stages that naturally occur in the human psyche.  Incidentally, they are also represented in the rituals of many indigenous people.  Stage one is where an initiate is sent out on a sort of quest.  He or she is young and lacks experience about the world.  Here is where he or she is going out without the support of the tribe – maybe for the first time.  In the case of an initiation ceremony, there may be a task of some sort that the young one is to complete before he or she is allowed to return.

 

Stage two is where something happens, that has not been experienced before – it is intense in nature, whether the intensity is experienced through physical, emotional, or psychic pain, the initiate is not sure whether he or she will survive.

 

Stage three is where the initiate returns to the tribe and the tribe receives him or her, and there are members who listen while the initiate tells the story, offering comfort, tending to any wounds, validating the emotions and the experience.  Stage three is where the initiate re-emerges into the tribe as a transformed person.  In a sense he or she is broken open, and potential can now come forth in the form of a mature perspective, inherent gifts, and wisdom.

 

With trauma, stage three does not happen because for one reason or another, the “tribe” does not function as a safe place to share the stories of the life changing event.  There is no one to offer validation that is safe or affirming.  When this happens, the initiate cycles through stages one and two again.  The natural push is to have another chance to experience the life changing effects of stage three, which is so essential to growth and personal evolution, which is the normal and natural tendency of all human beings.

I have posted gleanings from Karla McLaren’s Language of Emotions here.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

Some momentary awareness comes

As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows

who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture,

Still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thoughts, the shame, the malice,

Meet them at the door laughing,

And invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

Because each has been sent

As a guide from beyond.

                                                                                                       – Rumi

PROCESSING

Adapted from Carol Rogne: We think of emotional and mental abuse as being overt and recognizable, but it is often subtle, manipulative, and difficult to describe.  In any case, emotional and mental control within relationships adversely affects people that we claim to love, sabotages healthy communication and problem solving processes, and slowly destroys emotional bonding and intimacy.  Very often, neither the controller nor the person controlled realizes that power used to control others is corroding the relationship.

The following material taken directly from Who’s Controlling you? Who Are You Controlling?

Taking a one-up position is sometimes called capping.  Being critical, taking over conversations, or ordering, directing, and commanding are ways of taking a one-up position.  Sometimes one-up comments are about trivial things, for example, “You eat weird.”  But more often, controllers establish a one-up, superior position by more serious personal attacks such as, “You can’t think your way out of a paper bag!”  or, “You wouldn’t last a day without me!”  or, “It’s always better to do it myself because you always mess things up!”

In contrast, a controller might be taking a one-down position, especially when a one-up position is not successful at getting compliance.  This is posturing as being helpless or victimized and using guilt or other one-down strategies to control another person.  An example of a one-down statement is, “You have time for everyone else, but not for me.”  The unspoken message is that the person being manipulated is unkind and inconsiderate.  Or, “I can’t possibly pay you because I have so many other bills.”  The unspoken message is that the person is insensitive because they expect to be paid by someone who is financially overburdened.  By taking a one-down position, the other person will often agree or comply because they feel obligated or guilty.  When this happens, the controller claims more power in the relationship, playing on the guilt and “good intentions” of the person being controlled.

The competitive paradigm [that is commonly found in work environments] has certain requirements:

1)     We must be the best, the person who has the most knowledge, the right answers, and is skilled in problem-solving.

2)     We must listen for the most important points to assess the problem and fix it.  Paychecks depend on this skill.

3)     Expressing feelings is a sign of weakness and unwelcome in the work setting.  Self-control is important.

4)     Admitting mistakes and ignorance shows weakness.

Opposite skills are required in personal relationships where affiliation and cooperation are necessary.

1)     Listening to conversations respectfully, providing solutions only when invited to do so.

2)     Functioning as a team with a partner who is viewed and treated as having equal power.

3)     Sharing personal thoughts and feelings.  Realizing that one does not have to be always right.

4)     Solving problems together.

5)     Admitting mistakes and making amends.

6)     Affirming others.

This is Toni’s:  Controlling behaviors are designed to get compliance.  Compliance in what is the less obvious, but more fascinating question at hand.  What does the controller really want?

Compliance is what a baby legitimately needs, when he or she is completely dependent on an adult caretaker.  Little by little, the infant (the baby, and the child), gains the ability to take care of his or herself.  But at the beginning, attunement and compliance to the baby’s needs are nothing short of crucial to survival.  At its very core, the compliance that the controller seeks is the attunement (and the immediate satisfaction of needs) that was missing in the infant-caretaker relationship.  Any person will attempt to control another to the degree that there were serious un-repaired breaches in attunement during childhood.  As adults, we continue to have trouble bonding with anyone for long because we haven’t figured out how to get the controlling behaviors under control.  And they are a serious threat to real and lasting intimacy.

What needs to happen with an adult that recognizes controlling behaviors, is healthy individuation.  This is the important stage in a normal child’s development that can only come after healthy bonding.  As adults, we need to get the individuation piece in place before we can achieve significant and lasting bonds with others.  I cannot stress this piece strongly enough.

Individuation:

• You and I don’t think the same
• You and I aren’t the same person
• You and I have two separate brains
• And that’s okay.

The character flaw I have recently discovered in myself was having Unrealistic Expectations.  This is a natural symptom of developmental trauma.  As an adult, it leads me to be disappointed when things “go wrong in the relationship” when I find “I can’t trust you,” when I learn that “you don’t have my back” like I thought you did, and I have the arduous task of advocating for myself.  Crap.  The good news is that I have just realized it.  The bad news is that prior to realizing it, I was resentful and didn’t understand why.

When I become aware, I realize that you are not my mother (or my higher power); you are not that adequately attentive, unconditionally loving, abundantly available, selfless being that I require to satisfy my needs; who assures me that I am safe through her words and her actions.  You are not that being I can rely on for virtually everything because all I can really do is be charming, cuddle, exude personality, cry, excrete, and vomit.

You are neither my mother, nor my higher power.  This is not the function of any adult relationship.  So in the aftermath of that initial cyclone of “in-love” feelings that brings two people together (where this kind of merging love reminds us of the potential of a life-sustaining, unconditionally loving moment with Mother), there is a body of work that needs to be done.  The honeymoon is over.  Don’t despair.  There are always things that can be done.  It is our job:

1) to figure out what can be learned

2) to re-establish connection with the Self and the needs that were compromised when the object of love became decreasingly focused on us and decreasingly tuned in to our needs.

3) to bring a self to the relationship that is well cared for, healthy, and whole.

4) to reconnect in authentic ways with our partner so that a conscious, adult relationship occurs

5) to build a new kind of relationship from the conscious, adult self

We Don’t Think The Same (and it’s okay)

We don’t have the same perception of what’s going on.  I can’t expect you to know what I need, like, or don’t like.  It’s my responsibility to communicate this.  First to myself, then, when necessary, to you.  It is likely that we each have a different set of assumptions about the relationship and the roles we are playing.  In a safe place, these assumptions need to be examined, so that 1) we understand the assumptions that we and our partners carry, 2) we can adjust assumptions of our own if they don’t fit with our true purpose and values, 3) we can recognize and seek to understand the assumptions of our partner, which are different than ours, 4) we can work together to meet somewhere in the middle.  Sometimes this last step (#4) is not even necessary, once we’ve worked through points #1-#3.

Oh Yeah, And Then There’s That Part I don’t like to look at…Resentment.

Resentment is what happens when I have Unrealistic Expectations and I don’t do anything about it.  I fail to shift my thinking from that of an infant to that of an adult.  It’s going to happen when I don’t spend the time and energy necessary to bring conscious awareness to my likes and dislikes, wants, needs, and limits; and take the steps I need to take to honor them.

Today I’m taking stock of my resentments:

1)     List resentments here (no matter how petty or problematic they may seem to you).

After I’ve identified these areas of dissatisfaction, I realize that they don’t just represent anger and resentment, but also sadness, loss, and some level of acceptance.  My sadness comes from a number of places, but a lot of it comes from the realization that I have slowly lowered my expectations on my partner regarding wanting an emotional connection.  I’m not sure in this moment what is realistic to expect in relationship, but I do know that I choose authenticity over repressing, denial, and trying to squeeze myself into some kind of traditional role.  I commit myself to authenticity, and consciousness, one day at a time, knowing that I am worthy of unconditional love, peace, and connection.

Adapted from Carol Rogne: I still catch myself engaging in controlling behaviors, though I do my best to correct them when I become conscious of them.  I am perfectly willing to acknowledge that I am not completely conscious about all my controlling tendencies.  What I am learning is that it is okay to not be perfect, and that if two people are willing, they can safely and lovingly help each other become aware of their controlling behaviors.  There are several things that make controlling behaviors so hard to recognize, so you need to be gentle with yourself and the ones you love when dealing with this issue.  First, controlling behaviors are so prevalent in our society, that they are often viewed as normal.  Also, quite often, recipients of control blame themselves for the problems in their relationships.  Next, there is the sense of loss and disappointment involved in admitting that we are, once again, in a troubled relationship.  We are engaging in less-than-satisfactory ways with someone who we thought was right for us.  It is difficult to emerge from the denial and admit that our primary partner is “harming us.”  Besides, this is not the way he/she acted when we were courting.  During courtship we did not experience being controlled.  We should not blame ourselves for this phenomenon.  It is common for controlling behaviors to escalate as the relationship progresses.

Things that you might want to keep in mind while beginning to take steps to correct your situation would be to understand that it is difficult to think clearly when being badgered with control tactics.  Energies are spent emotionally dodging arrows rather than stepping back, assessing the situation, and developing proactive strategies for coping or dealing with the control.

And in this muddled state of frustration and loss, we may not share our experiences of being controlled with other people because we don’t want to be responsible for “gossiping or complaining.”  This ultimately results in isolation, not just for the person being controlled, but for the couple as well.