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Coming Around Again

Did you ever have a moment when you were struck by a truth that was so profound that you simply knew it would change your life forever? And then you remembered learning this profound truth at some chapter of your life seemingly ages ago?

I am struck by such a knowing this morning, and it goes like this:

I HAVE NEEDS, AND I AM WORTHY OF HAVING THEM MET.

The emphasis this time around is on all the reasons, subconsciously held, that have somehow made us feel like needs were something that other people had and got met — not us. Now, as I feel myself launching into a new phase of my life, I am forced to examine my life to identify those things that I want to be sure to include — those things that make me feel whole, safe, and comfortable.

As I ponder this truth and how it has presented over time, I wonder if one of my most persistent needs is the rhythm of attuning and re-attuning to myself. And the building of trust in myself — the trust that I can be counted upon to reliably do this, in any situation I might find myself in.

Right now, one of the things I ache for is adventure. Drilling down into this ache, more specifically, it is perhaps novelty that I desire. More specifically still, a new territory to explore — more specifically, being in a place where I have an opportunity to use my five senses and something more to locate and attain material things, rhythms and systems that I need to feel whole, safe, and comfortable. This journey — this process — is what I seem to be seeking.

And now that the empty nest looms large, my primary responsibility will be to myself. There will be no real reason to postpone my pursuit of my personal needs — extravagant as that sounds as I think it. Not that my children were ever a real reason for me to postpone my needs, though there might have been moments when that seemed true.

The people who have shared with me their stories and thoughts of late have helped me identify unconscious conclusions that I had drawn along life’s journey that (until challenged) stood in the way of self-attunement, and a healthy and balanced life. These include, maybe I’m not worthy of having my needs met because:

I did something wrong.
my needs are unreasonable.
my needs are an inconvenience to myself or others.
I am somehow flawed.
I’m lazy, disorganized, imperfect.
my needs are just too much to deal with.
my needs are a threat to others.

And now, as I lay the foundation for my new life, I use these little gifts — shaping them into another form that sustains, supports, and nurtures:

I love and accept myself with all my needs, desires, and imperfections.
Regardless of anything I do or am, I have needs and they are normal.
It is safe to explore my needs and desires.
It is okay to reach for what I want.
It is okay to want more.
I am willing to do what it takes to care for myself.
Doing what I need to do to care for myself benefits everyone.

And so it is.

Depression and Your Gut

According to an article I just read, a variety of mental disturbances are linked to intestinal toxemia. The article cites a study done back in 1917 that showed that “by treating a patient’s bowel toxicity, there was an alleviation of the following symptoms: mental sluggishness, dullness, stupidity, loss of concentration, memory, and mental coordination, irritability, lack of confidence, excessive worry, exaggerated introspection, hypochondriasis, phobias, depression, melancholy, obsessions, delusions, hallucinations, suicidal tendencies, delirium, stupor, and senility. Furthermore, when intestinal toxemia was treated, physical symptoms such as fatigue, nervousness, gastrointestinal conditions, impaired nutrition, skin manifestations, endocrine disturbances, headaches, sciatica, various other forms of low back pain, allergies, eye, ear, nose, throat, and sinus problems, and even cardiac irregularities were reversed.” Why has this research not been brought into our mainstream dialogue about mental health and nutrition?

Tweaking My Creative Process

I completely believe in the power of creative thought. I just want to take a minute to share something that I noticed about my manifestation process. Today, it was a perfectly good day. I did notice some angst, but it was manageable. When I examined it, I noticed that it was about having so much to do and so little time to do it. A little background: I have been fearing how my life will change when my youngest child goes to college in the fall. I have feared that having too much unstructured time will make me depressed and unmotivated. Back to today: I’m zipping through my day and I’m telling myself, “there is enough time to do everything I need to do. Everything I need to do falls into place as if by magic,” And that is what happens. I mark things off my list, I do all the things I need to do, small miracles happening at every turn. And I’m breathless, and excited and grateful. And I notice that this is kind of how things have been going lately: things get done, I do a good job, but there is NO time between tasks to breathe or to sit or to rest or to read, or even to think about sitting down for an hour to practice my Rosetta Stone Spanish course. “Hmmm” I say to myself. “I asked for this, didn’t I?” I asked for this because I was afraid I couldn’t be trusted with extra time. The universe obliged me. Could be I need to re-think what I am asking for. Here are some ideas of what I need to do to tweak my creative process: “I can be trusted to manage my time.” “My resources and knowledge are readily available to me.” “I am guided continually toward my highest good.” “I move through life with grace and ease.” “I have ample time to do all the things I need to do including to pause, to process, and to rest.”

OMG

I just discovered my new favorite author of all time. She’s Geneen Roth. The book is When Food Is Love: Exploring the Relationship Between Eating and Intimacy. Here is a little taste of what you will find in this must-read book:

“The wonderful thing about food is that it doesn’t leave, talk back, or have a mind of its own. The difficult thing about people is that they do.”

“Eating is a metaphor for the way we live; it is also a metaphor for the way we love. Excessive fantasizing, creating drama, the need to be in control, and wanting what is forbidden are behaviors that block us from finding joy in food or relationships. And some of the same guidelines that enable us to break free from compulsive behavior–learning to stay in the present, beginning to value ourselves now, giving the hungry child within us a voice, trusting our physical and emotional hungers, and teaching ourselves to receive pleasure–enable us to be intimate with another person.”

“It is my belief that we become compulsive because of wounds from our past and the decisions we made at that time about our self-worth–decisions about our capacity to love and whether, in fact, we deserve to be loved. Our mother goes away and we decide that we are unlovable. Our father is emotionally distant and we decide that we need too much. Someone we are close to dies and we decide that there is no reason to love anyone because it hurts too much at the end. We make decisions based on our pain and the limited choices we had at the time. We make decisions based on how we made sense of the wounds and what we did to protect ourselves from being more wounded in that environment. At the age of six or eleven or fifteen, we decide that love hurts and that we are unworthy or unlovable or too demanding, and we live the rest of our lives protecting ourselves from being hurt again. And there is no better protection than wrapping ourselves around a compulsion.”

“For those of us who are used to waiting for someone to bring love to our lives, the discovery that being intimate is a choice that we make at every moment is as close to magic as anyone ever comes.”

“We become frightened of intimacy because our intimate experiences were frightening, not because we are incapable of loving. If we are ever to deeply love ourselves–or anyone else–we must first examine why we are frightened. We must go back to the beginning, re experience (or perhaps allow ourselves to feel for the first time, since when those feelings first arose, we pushed them away) the rage, hurt, fear, betrayal, loss of what it was like to be a child we were, a child in our family of origin.”

“I am in the process of taking my childhood room apart. And with each feeling I touch, cry about, and put away, each memory of fear, each experience of loss, the walls are crumbling. And I am setting myself free.”

To read more, get yourself a copy, or read my notes at: When Food Is Love

Craving Sweets?

Philomina Gwanfogbe Ph.D. spoke at the Clover’s Natural Foods Store on Wednesday, Sept 5. about our tendency to crave sweets, and what we can do about it. I’ve captured highlights from her talk below.

At the beginning of her talk, Phil told us that she was going to tell us things that would change our relationship with food forever. She was right. And I’ve been talking about it ever since.

The Body, she says, is always striving for balance. This is what it does, and it’s how we adapt to our environment, and survive in such diverse conditions.
Sugar is not the problem, she says. It’s the instantaneous solution, or the solution in the moment. It’s not the problem. It’s a solution. It gives us energy. It makes us feel happy.
She points out that in finding a balance, when we eat more yin foods (green leafy vegetables, sugar, alcohol), then our bodies achieve balance by sending a signal to the brain to take in more yang foods (meaty, salty, rooty). These are the foods that ground us. When we eat a lot of yang foods, like typical Americans do, we then crave yin foods to balance them out.
Food in restaurants, she notices, are typically high in salt and meat protein, which tend to make us feel the need for a sweet beverage (soda) to balance it out.
She also said that often when people crave sweets, it’s actually because they are thirsty. She says that most Americans are chronically dehydrated. She says you need to drink water whether you are thirsty or not. Think about this: the process of digestion takes place in the medium of liquids. If we are dehydrated, the absorption of nutrients in our food is compromised.

Here is a simple rule you can follow with regard to cravings. When I notice a craving, I can:
1) Take a few deep breaths, and notice what the craving feels like. If it’s still there,
2) Have a glass of water. If it’s still there,
3) Check to see if there are other causes for the craving (besides a need for food – more on this later).

Here’s an idea you have probably not thought about lately. Besides the foods we typically think of (that pass through our digestive systems – Secondary Foods), we have a need for what she calls Primary Foods. These include:

• Special Relationships
• Nourishing Spiritual Practices
• Satisfying Work/Career
• Things we love
• Loving Treatment of our Bodies

Phil says that Primary Foods are crucial to effective utilization of Secondary Foods. Imagine that. Primary foods are what can successfully fill the void we are trying to (but will never) fill with Secondary Foods. Think about that. She says that in the absence of Primary Foods, I will not only have a void, but I will have low energy, no matter how much I eat. Sure, I can do the sugar thing, but that is only a short-term fix. Treating low energy or “the void” with sugar is identical to any other addiction. It is an attempt to feel better, that actually makes things worse, and worse, and worse.

In summary, If I don’t fill my need for primary foods, I won’t ever be able to really satisfy my cravings.
Phil’s practice is built around the premise that the Body has a natural inborn ability to heal itself. I think that’s fantastic, and of course I believe that too. So let’s put this to the test. Remember the next time you have a craving, take a few deep breaths, drink a glass of water, and then check to see if you are still having your craving. Go ahead and eat what it is you are craving, but think about what is happening here. Make it a priority to take the necessary steps to meet your other important needs, that are so often overlooked and neglected. Phil recommends putting a list on the refrigerator for easy access. Here’s what my list of Primary Foods looks like today.

Since engaging in a creative project is one of my most important Primary Foods, I am going to make a project out of refining and presenting this list. I encourage you to begin working on a list of your own!

• Working on a creative project
• Learning new tools
• Nature
• Connecting deeply with others
• The arts
• Bicycling
• Reading a book
• Travel
• Listening to my daughters play
• Sharing ideas
• Yard work
• Hard physical labor
• Cooking
• Camping with kids
• Sharing food
• To be held
• Hanging out downtown
• Spending time with a child
• Watching a sunset
• Seeing the sun rise
• Playing Pinochle
• Sharing a meal
• Noodling

Making sure that your Primary Food needs are met requires some time and effort, but, as Phil says, it is certainly worth it! Check out Phil’s online presence at www.mynaturalhealingability.com.

The Art of Effortless Living

I’m reading a fabulous book that was required reading for a recent 4-day SomatoEmotional Release class I attended in St. Louis in August. Below are a few excerpts from:

Stop Trying. Start Living. The Art of Effortless Living. Do Less, Let Go, and Discover Health, Emotional Well-Being, and Happiness, by Ingrid Bacci, Ph.D., 2000.Berkley Publishing Group, New York, NY.

This couldn’t be more timely for me. If you’d like to read the toni-style cliff notes, click on the link above. I’m pasting in a few of my notes below.

Also, while I’m thinking about it, Boundaries 101 class is going to be offered at the Columbia Area Career Center for the third time beginning November 12. Monday nights for 5 weeks. 6:00-8:00 pm. Check it out!

pg 233: When we stop allowing our fears to control us and focus instead on developing inner balance and vision, then we become capable of deeper partnership.

pg 234: …healthy relationships depend on understanding that relationships are not in our lives to support our needs or foster our dependency. Instead, relationships teach us, often through difficulties, how to transcend our own limitations and to share with others from a place of mutual empowerment.

pg 239: You are not meant to ask someone else to give you what you need. That is so much less rewarding than discovering that you can give yourself what you need. You are not meant to accept the low standards that rule our world. You have the capacity to transform those standards and to inspire others to follow in your footsteps.

Today I Walk

Thoughts in July

On the last leg of my walk this morning, my upper realms connected with my lower ones and I came to a glorious epiphany. Let me explain. In my spine lies a story that repeats itself at countless levels, the most visible and obvious of which is my living situation.

I realized today that my downstairs represents the places in my mind I don’t want to go. The dark unconscious places that cause discomfort and pain. Things like fear of being alone; fear of not being able to make it on my own; fear of not being enough; not having enough; not fitting in; not being able to connect, or have a whole, full, conscious, happy life if I don’t make particular sacrifices or tend particular safety nets. Today, on my walk I let myself venture into those dark places. What, I asked myself, does my grumpy roommate represent to me? She spends her time in the lower realms. She represents negativity, emotional immaturity, an unconscious need to protect one’s self from the unpleasant, the unsafe, the uncomfortable. But this was the path of blaming, and projection, and I knew it was more complicated than that.

Her grumpiness had been on my mind of late. But this morning I realized that what was at issue with me were my fears, not hers. What I realized this morning is that my basement had begun to represent my fears to me, and that’s why I didn’t want to go down there. Didn’t want to feel the ways I felt when I visited there. Perhaps, because I am an empath, picking up on my roommate’s fears (that tend to resemble mine) was making the situation even worse.

A growing conscious aversion to the lower realms is what had guided me to discreetly move my bedroom upstairs in the past month. This along with other conscious shifts in my behavior based on my relationship with my body, my higher power, my guides, my inner knowing have resulted in a subtle but noticeable improvement in my connectedness with myself.

This morning’s walk allowed me, for the first time, to go certain places in my mind to entertain the most frightening of thoughts, to explore how true they were, and to notice my feelings about them. What if the natural consequence of my behavior is that my roommate can’t tolerate living with me if I don’t share the lower spaces of the house with her, or for some other reason she decides not to be a partner in the household? What then? Would it be a crisis? For either of us? Going through all the places in my mind: separation, splitting assets, furniture, all that we have built in the past three years, buying her out, determining real equity, etc. What would it be like – a future without the stability she has represented for me? In a way she has served as an emotional anchor. Without that anchor, who and where would I be? A rudderless ship afloat at sea? I think about my traveling sister, Tracy, living out her dream but seeming at times so alone.

And somehow my thoughts, on the last third of my walk, came back around to what I know. Being tethered to a particular person in a particular place is not the grounding I seek. What grounds and centers is intimacy with the self. And that, for me, today, is knowing at my core that regardless of the players at the physical level, there is enough, and I am enough, I have enough. Connection, creative opportunity, guidance, love, purpose, affection, worth, credibility, strength, etc. Whether I have the responsibilities of caring for small children or not, whether I have an incredible client base or not, whether I have a wonderful home or not, whether I have a partner or friends or savings or not, I am okay. When I am connected to myself, I am not alone. Those I know, those I have yet to know, and those I will never know; we are all connected.

Without a doubt, feeling some efficacy around money, probably for the first time, has helped me achieve this place. Not having to worry about whether I’m going to bring in enough money to make the mortgage payment or meet the next financial obligation that comes with being a parent can consume so much psychic energy that it’s almost a luxury to tune in to the deeper inner realms. Reaching this stage in my life has been a long time coming, but now that I’m here I can breathe a little more freely. I can afford to entertain ideas one has a harder time entertaining when the biggest numbers are red.

So the great epiphany. Maybe two-thirds of the way around my circuit, maybe a little more, I straightened a little taller, allowing my head to be suspended by the light nimble energy from the heavens. I pushed my shoulders down, brought my jaw back and sent my shoulder blades down my back once more, and I felt it, if just for a moment, the connection with my core, my upper leg muscles, my psoas, my abdominal wall. This was the feeling I had been wanting to avoid — and still do, if you want the honest truth — as these core muscles are so weak as if they are only now waking up from a very long slumber. I’m not sure of the extent of the power that lives here; it’s so far been easier to let it sleep. But now, as I watch my father (who is wrestling with the question of life and death) playing with the idea of waking up, and as the Universe pushes me to wake up, connecting upper with lower, I realize I’ve been slumping and restricting my movement and avoiding life experiences because I have been afraid.

Bringing consciousness to these dark fearful places, using the guidance I have learned to trust, feeling the resulting feelings, and building intimacy with myself is a sustainable path. And it is a path of joy and deep fulfillment. And to this path I say a heartfelt yes. For you I am so grateful.

Breaking Free from the Control Trap

Today is Monday. I’m sitting at my desk with the gift of an hour at my disposal. I’m looking out on a sunny, green day with a cup of homemade almond milk. I pick up Melody Beattie’s book, The New Codependency and begin to read. I’m reading from a section called Breaking Free from the Control Trap and Getting Some Grace. I’ve underlined “Harmonizing demands setting aside ego and our need to win or be right. It doesn’t mean we’re weak, passive, or being doormats. The more powerful we are, the more we can use diplomacy to harmonize, negotiate, and live in peace. We’ll have enough esteem to be able to compromise and meet most people halfway.” Here are the steps to facilitating an argument:

1) Immediately (or as soon as possible) let go of resistance to the problem. Accept that it exists.

2) Release emotions first, before talking to the other person. We’re more effective if we’re calm and clear. When we communicate from an emotional base, our emotions are controlling us.

3) Set aside ego. Do you want to win or do you want peace?

4) Consciously see the other person’s POV. How would we feel if we were him or her?

5) As much as possible, acknowledge the validity of the other person’s POV. If you were going through what that person is going through, or came from where he or she did, maybe you’d feel and see things that way, too.

6) Propose creative solutions so all people get what they want. Is there a solution available that allows both people to win?

Does it seem to you that we could all learn a little something from Melody Beattie?

Boundaries 101: Learning to Recognize, Honor & Communicate Your Personal Limits

The Study Guide to the course is now available at Amazon.com! It will also be included when you purchase the specially priced Getting Real Bundle for the upcoming Boundaries 101 course I am now offering online.

Studies in Boundaries

The issue of boundaries pervades our lives in ways that are so subtle, yet so profound, that once they are mastered, simply everything changes. Join this group for practical information, insight, and training on this fascinating subject. Learn how emotions and boundaries work together. Build and strengthen your personal boundaries and learn when others are pushing and violating yours. I am interested in forming an online group that meets for 5-6 consecutive weeks. Timing will depend on preference of participants.* Half price for current and past clients and graduates of Boundaries 101.

Newcomer Price: $24
Getting Real Bundle: $98 (includes the following)
- 5-6-Week Class
- Copy of Study Guide
- 90-minute Skype Session

*We will need 8-12 committed participants in order to make this a viable group.

For more information, call me at (573) 999-6011 or e-mail me at: e-mail address

Today I Know

When I notice rage or hate, I can understand that I’m carrying beliefs from the past that tell me that my discomfort should be attended to by others, and that my survival, in fact, depends on it.
Today, I know that my discomfort is my business. In the light of this knowledge, I bring consciousness to this part of me. I can choose to ask for your attention or your help in a way that is respectful and kind. I can tolerate your no, knowing that I can get my needs met in more ways than one. I know that I do not depend on you to meet all my needs.
I now understand that my emotions belong to me alone. I can use them to inform me. I am learning to tolerate them as they move through me. This understanding makes it more possible for me to allow you to own your emotions (and allow them to be your business – not mine) as well.

When I see myself rushing from one task to another, without resting or attending to my basic needs, I can understand that I’m carrying the beliefs of others who taught me that my worth is conditional.

I now choose to bring consciousness to this idea of my worth being conditional. Here is how the programming seems to go (as modeled by the people around me when I was growing up). Sometimes the emphasis is based upon how hard I work. (I am worthy when I work.) Sometimes it’s on how much I accomplish. (I am worthy when I get lots of stuff accomplished.) Other times, it’s on how pleasant (translation: agreeable) and/or how strong I am. (I am worthy when I don’t rock the boat or make demands.)
This mistaken belief goes something like this:
• If I don’t have enough it’s probably because I’m unworthy.
• If there is the appearance of lack, or imperfection, it’s probably my fault.
• If there is an appearance of lack or imperfection, I have no business resting or playing.
• The more I work the more worthy I am.
• I am beyond reproach if I am always working my hardest.
• I am exempt from the scrutiny of others when I work and remain continually productive.
• I can avoid feelings of vulnerability if I can provide for all my own needs and if I require nothing from others.
• Asking others to help me meet my needs is humiliating and unacceptable.
• It is shameful and humiliating to have unmet needs.

Today I know that my worth is unconditional. I am worthy whether I am working, playing, resting, or just being. I am learning that it is normal to have needs and that it is good and right for me to attend to them. I am learning that my needs are real and important, and that I will not self destruct if they are not immediately met. As with any skill, it will take time for me to learn to attend to my needs with grace and dignity.
I can allow myself the time that I need to learn.