Author: Toni Rahman

I have posted gleanings from Karla McLaren’s Language of Emotions here.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

Some momentary awareness comes

As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows

who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture,

Still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thoughts, the shame, the malice,

Meet them at the door laughing,

And invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

Because each has been sent

As a guide from beyond.

                                                                                                       – Rumi

PROCESSING

Adapted from Carol Rogne: We think of emotional and mental abuse as being overt and recognizable, but it is often subtle, manipulative, and difficult to describe.  In any case, emotional and mental control within relationships adversely affects people that we claim to love, sabotages healthy communication and problem solving processes, and slowly destroys emotional bonding and intimacy.  Very often, neither the controller nor the person controlled realizes that power used to control others is corroding the relationship.

The following material taken directly from Who’s Controlling you? Who Are You Controlling?

Taking a one-up position is sometimes called capping.  Being critical, taking over conversations, or ordering, directing, and commanding are ways of taking a one-up position.  Sometimes one-up comments are about trivial things, for example, “You eat weird.”  But more often, controllers establish a one-up, superior position by more serious personal attacks such as, “You can’t think your way out of a paper bag!”  or, “You wouldn’t last a day without me!”  or, “It’s always better to do it myself because you always mess things up!”

In contrast, a controller might be taking a one-down position, especially when a one-up position is not successful at getting compliance.  This is posturing as being helpless or victimized and using guilt or other one-down strategies to control another person.  An example of a one-down statement is, “You have time for everyone else, but not for me.”  The unspoken message is that the person being manipulated is unkind and inconsiderate.  Or, “I can’t possibly pay you because I have so many other bills.”  The unspoken message is that the person is insensitive because they expect to be paid by someone who is financially overburdened.  By taking a one-down position, the other person will often agree or comply because they feel obligated or guilty.  When this happens, the controller claims more power in the relationship, playing on the guilt and “good intentions” of the person being controlled.

The competitive paradigm [that is commonly found in work environments] has certain requirements:

1)     We must be the best, the person who has the most knowledge, the right answers, and is skilled in problem-solving.

2)     We must listen for the most important points to assess the problem and fix it.  Paychecks depend on this skill.

3)     Expressing feelings is a sign of weakness and unwelcome in the work setting.  Self-control is important.

4)     Admitting mistakes and ignorance shows weakness.

Opposite skills are required in personal relationships where affiliation and cooperation are necessary.

1)     Listening to conversations respectfully, providing solutions only when invited to do so.

2)     Functioning as a team with a partner who is viewed and treated as having equal power.

3)     Sharing personal thoughts and feelings.  Realizing that one does not have to be always right.

4)     Solving problems together.

5)     Admitting mistakes and making amends.

6)     Affirming others.

This is Toni’s:  Controlling behaviors are designed to get compliance.  Compliance in what is the less obvious, but more fascinating question at hand.  What does the controller really want?

Compliance is what a baby legitimately needs, when he or she is completely dependent on an adult caretaker.  Little by little, the infant (the baby, and the child), gains the ability to take care of his or herself.  But at the beginning, attunement and compliance to the baby’s needs are nothing short of crucial to survival.  At its very core, the compliance that the controller seeks is the attunement (and the immediate satisfaction of needs) that was missing in the infant-caretaker relationship.  Any person will attempt to control another to the degree that there were serious un-repaired breaches in attunement during childhood.  As adults, we continue to have trouble bonding with anyone for long because we haven’t figured out how to get the controlling behaviors under control.  And they are a serious threat to real and lasting intimacy.

What needs to happen with an adult that recognizes controlling behaviors, is healthy individuation.  This is the important stage in a normal child’s development that can only come after healthy bonding.  As adults, we need to get the individuation piece in place before we can achieve significant and lasting bonds with others.  I cannot stress this piece strongly enough.

Individuation:

• You and I don’t think the same
• You and I aren’t the same person
• You and I have two separate brains
• And that’s okay.

The character flaw I have recently discovered in myself was having Unrealistic Expectations.  This is a natural symptom of developmental trauma.  As an adult, it leads me to be disappointed when things “go wrong in the relationship” when I find “I can’t trust you,” when I learn that “you don’t have my back” like I thought you did, and I have the arduous task of advocating for myself.  Crap.  The good news is that I have just realized it.  The bad news is that prior to realizing it, I was resentful and didn’t understand why.

When I become aware, I realize that you are not my mother (or my higher power); you are not that adequately attentive, unconditionally loving, abundantly available, selfless being that I require to satisfy my needs; who assures me that I am safe through her words and her actions.  You are not that being I can rely on for virtually everything because all I can really do is be charming, cuddle, exude personality, cry, excrete, and vomit.

You are neither my mother, nor my higher power.  This is not the function of any adult relationship.  So in the aftermath of that initial cyclone of “in-love” feelings that brings two people together (where this kind of merging love reminds us of the potential of a life-sustaining, unconditionally loving moment with Mother), there is a body of work that needs to be done.  The honeymoon is over.  Don’t despair.  There are always things that can be done.  It is our job:

1) to figure out what can be learned

2) to re-establish connection with the Self and the needs that were compromised when the object of love became decreasingly focused on us and decreasingly tuned in to our needs.

3) to bring a self to the relationship that is well cared for, healthy, and whole.

4) to reconnect in authentic ways with our partner so that a conscious, adult relationship occurs

5) to build a new kind of relationship from the conscious, adult self

We Don’t Think The Same (and it’s okay)

We don’t have the same perception of what’s going on.  I can’t expect you to know what I need, like, or don’t like.  It’s my responsibility to communicate this.  First to myself, then, when necessary, to you.  It is likely that we each have a different set of assumptions about the relationship and the roles we are playing.  In a safe place, these assumptions need to be examined, so that 1) we understand the assumptions that we and our partners carry, 2) we can adjust assumptions of our own if they don’t fit with our true purpose and values, 3) we can recognize and seek to understand the assumptions of our partner, which are different than ours, 4) we can work together to meet somewhere in the middle.  Sometimes this last step (#4) is not even necessary, once we’ve worked through points #1-#3.

Oh Yeah, And Then There’s That Part I don’t like to look at…Resentment.

Resentment is what happens when I have Unrealistic Expectations and I don’t do anything about it.  I fail to shift my thinking from that of an infant to that of an adult.  It’s going to happen when I don’t spend the time and energy necessary to bring conscious awareness to my likes and dislikes, wants, needs, and limits; and take the steps I need to take to honor them.

Today I’m taking stock of my resentments:

1)     List resentments here (no matter how petty or problematic they may seem to you).

After I’ve identified these areas of dissatisfaction, I realize that they don’t just represent anger and resentment, but also sadness, loss, and some level of acceptance.  My sadness comes from a number of places, but a lot of it comes from the realization that I have slowly lowered my expectations on my partner regarding wanting an emotional connection.  I’m not sure in this moment what is realistic to expect in relationship, but I do know that I choose authenticity over repressing, denial, and trying to squeeze myself into some kind of traditional role.  I commit myself to authenticity, and consciousness, one day at a time, knowing that I am worthy of unconditional love, peace, and connection.

Adapted from Carol Rogne: I still catch myself engaging in controlling behaviors, though I do my best to correct them when I become conscious of them.  I am perfectly willing to acknowledge that I am not completely conscious about all my controlling tendencies.  What I am learning is that it is okay to not be perfect, and that if two people are willing, they can safely and lovingly help each other become aware of their controlling behaviors.  There are several things that make controlling behaviors so hard to recognize, so you need to be gentle with yourself and the ones you love when dealing with this issue.  First, controlling behaviors are so prevalent in our society, that they are often viewed as normal.  Also, quite often, recipients of control blame themselves for the problems in their relationships.  Next, there is the sense of loss and disappointment involved in admitting that we are, once again, in a troubled relationship.  We are engaging in less-than-satisfactory ways with someone who we thought was right for us.  It is difficult to emerge from the denial and admit that our primary partner is “harming us.”  Besides, this is not the way he/she acted when we were courting.  During courtship we did not experience being controlled.  We should not blame ourselves for this phenomenon.  It is common for controlling behaviors to escalate as the relationship progresses.

Things that you might want to keep in mind while beginning to take steps to correct your situation would be to understand that it is difficult to think clearly when being badgered with control tactics.  Energies are spent emotionally dodging arrows rather than stepping back, assessing the situation, and developing proactive strategies for coping or dealing with the control.

And in this muddled state of frustration and loss, we may not share our experiences of being controlled with other people because we don’t want to be responsible for “gossiping or complaining.”  This ultimately results in isolation, not just for the person being controlled, but for the couple as well.

Still planning to finish Karla McLaren’s Language of Emotions. I just wanted to give you a preview of another book I’m reading:

Who’s Controlling You? Who Are You Controlling? Strategies for Change by Carol Rogne. Outskirts Press, Inc. Denver Colorado. 2011.

Pg 8: Attributed power is power that is given to others. In our culture we often assign power to persons who are male and are of the majority race. We may also attribute power to persons who have high intelligence, special talents, wealth, and are attractive. People who have inherited a powerful name or reputation from their parents may be viewed as having more power than others. We view these people as superior, which causes an imbalance in the power structure. In personal relationships this imbalance will eventually cause communication and other relationship difficulties.

Pg 11: This diagram illustrates the positions of one-up, and one-down and the neutral position. There are only two power positions: up or down when one uses a competitive, dichotomous, either-or way of thinking. Taking a one-up position is sometimes called capping. Being critical, taking over conversations, or ordering, directing, and commanding are ways of taking a one-up position. Sometimes one-up comments are about trivial things, for example, “You eat weird.” But more often, controllers establish a one-up, superior position by more serious personal attacks such as, “You can’t think your way out of a paper bag!” or, “You wouldn’t last a day without me!” or, “It’s always better to do it myself because you always mess things up!”

In contrast, a controller might take a one-down position, especially when a one-up position is not successful at getting compliance. This is posturing as being helpless or victimized and using guilt or other one-down strategies to control another person. An example of a one-down statement is, “You have time for everyone else, but not for me.” The unspoken message is that the person being manipulated is unkind and inconsiderate. Or, “I can’t possibly pay you because I have so many other bills.” The unspoken message is that the person is insensitive because they expect to be paid by someone who is financially overburdened. By taking a one-down position, the other person will often agree or comply because they feel obligated or guilty. When this happens, the controller re-claims the one-up position.

Pg 12: The following is a one-up, one-down scenario:

Controller A: “You are over-reacting!” (This is a one-up statement to establish a superior, one-up position).
Person B: “I am not over-reacting. Your behavior is abusive.” (This is an assertive statement. Person B is not manipulated into a one-down position.)
Controller A: “Abusive! What is that supposed to mean?” (Another one-up statement. The unspoken message is that Person B is exaggerating and way off base.)
Person B: “I am not over-reacting. Your behavior is abusive.” (Person B is taking an assertive position and repeating what was previously said.)
Controller A: “Well, I guess I must be a really bad person!” (This is a one-down statement, meant to manipulate Person B to retract the statement. If the person retracts, Person A resumes the one-up position.)
Person B: “Your behavior is abusive.” (Person B does not retract the statement.)

Pg 15: Despite how controllers stay in denial and distort the truth, emotional and mental abuse is interpersonal violence because it is an assault on the emotional and mental health of the recipients. The harm that is caused by emotional and mental control is like a broken leg that does not heal, causing everyday pain and hindering movement and life itself.

Controlling persons use their power to create fear or guilt so that less powerful persons will be subservient and compliant.

Pg 19: Emotional and mental control within relationships adversely affects people that we claim to love, sabotages healthy communication and problem solving processes, and slowly destroys emotional bonding and intimacy. Very often, neither the controller nor the person controlled realizes that power used to control others is corroding the relationship. Emotional and mental abuse can be overt and recognizable, but often is subtle, manipulative, and difficult to describe.

Though it may be difficult to believe, we are often unaware of how we are controlling or how we are enabling the control, though it is often evident to others.

Pg 20: Whether the controlling behaviors are intentional or unintentional, they are behaviors that are disrespectful, abusive, and interpersonally violent.

Pg 27: controllers are both male and female, but our society gives permission for males to be dominant and discourages the same for females….Controllers can be polite and very caring, especially in the early stages of relationships. They can also be mean, moody, and critical of others to get what they want.

Research confirms that people who use their power to control others act more selfishly, impulsively, and aggressively. They have low self-esteem, are often insecure, are self-consumed, and have difficulty taking others’ perspectives….lack skills in handling their stress, anger, and disappointments. The most common forms of controlling behaviors are anger causing fear in others (the one-up position), and projecting guilt toward others (the one-down position) in an effort to get compliance.

There are a number of reasons why controlling behaviors are not immediately recognized by people who are emotionally and mentally controlled:

o Controlling behaviors can be subtle and manipulative.
o Controlling behaviors are so prevalent that they are often viewed as normal.
o Recipients of control often blame themselves for relationship problems.
o It is difficult to think clearly when being badgered with criticisms and other controlling tactics. Energies are spent emotionally dodging arrows rather than stepping back, assessing the situation, and developing proactive strategies for coping or dealing with the control.
o We love someone who we thought was right for us and to acknowledge that a controller is emotionally harming us is an assault on our beliefs.
o During courtship we may not have experienced being controlled. Controlling behaviors often escalate as the relationship progresses.
o Because we usually like and trust people, it takes time to realize that controllers do not have our best interests in mind. Rather, they have their best interests in mind.
o We may not share our experiences of being controlled with other people because we don’t want to complain about the person we love. We may think that it is bad-mouthing when we decide to talk about the emotional and mentally abusive behaviors we are experiencing. We often feel guilty about sharing what goes on in our relationship because we think we need to keep the family secrets. However, this only serves to protect the controller’s dysfunctional behaviors.

Pg 32: He always thought he did things right and I did things wrong. If the kids made noise while he was watching TV, I was at fault for not making them be quiet. If I happened to be watching an interesting show on TV and he came in the room and wasn’t interested, he simply changed the channel and I felt like a non-person and that he must be better than I am. There was never any compromising. As a result, I stopped watching any TV. He didn’t like it when I felt good and was excited about something, so I started to act like I felt badly when I was really feeling good.

Pg 33: I have decided that sarcastic humor is a coward’s way of expressing anger because the anger is not expressed directly and appropriately. With this realization, I once asked him, ‘Let’s talk about what you are really angry about.’ He had no response. Usually, when he was confronted, he would be silent and walk away. But as far as sarcastic humor, I’ve been there, heard that, done that and won’t put up with any more of it.

Pg 35: 6. Control by maintaining one knows what is right: Controllers think that they are right and anybody that questions or confronts the controller is wrong, stupid, or incompetent. They overtly or covertly communicate that the imbalance in relationship power is right and is how relationships should function. Controllers’ spoken or unspoken words are, “I need to correct you!” However, the other person is never allowed to decline the offer. Another tactic is patronizing and giving advice with a haughty attitude of superiority.

Controllers also think that people should have the same priorities because they think they are right about priorities and get upset when others have different views as to what is important and less important.

Pg 36: Anything that inconvenienced him was deemed as either wrong or unnecessary. This different way of thinking was a major discovery for me. Once I saw through this self-serving way of thinking, I could more easily dismiss it and not take it seriously.

Kelly talks about her priorities being different from those of her husband:
His priorities for me were that I work, be sexually available, keep the house clean and last, be the primary caretaker of our children. My priority list was different. My top priority was my children, then work, then keeping the house clean and bills paid, and last, be sexually available because I had difficulty being sexual when there was no emotional intimacy between us. He often told me I had my priorities all wrong.

Pg 36: 7. Control by diminishing the self-esteem of others: Attacking what person say, do, or their personhoods, diminishes self-esteem and self-confidence. If self-esteem is diminished, the recipient of control is less able to confront or leave a controller. Controllers will sometimes preface their conversations by such statements as, “Don’t take this personally, but…” or, “I’ll be honest with you…” and then say something that is very demeaning and often untruthful. If the recipient is offended because the statement was personal, he or she is accused of being too sensitive or inadequate in some way.

Pg 37: 9. Control by directing a partner to stop associating with family, friends, coworkers or a support group: Controllers often criticize anyone connected to the recipient of control or make guilt statements when spouses choose to be with other people. Often, controllers insist that the relationship with them should be top priority, despite the fact that their behaviors provide no motivation for a spouse to be with them.

Pg 38: I now realize the importance of my family of origin and how we all got lost to each other in our marriages….I slowly lowered my expectations on my spouse regarding wanting an emotional connection. I finally came to realize connecting emotionally would only happen if there were some kind of miracle.

Pg 39: 11. Control by expressed or unspoken expectations: Controllers’ expectations regarding activities, need for help, or need for attention and affection are seldom expressed directly, but in round-about and subtle ways. If controllers’ expectations are not met, they do not believe that it is because their expectations are unreasonable. Rather, controllers believe it is because of the controlled person’s inadequacies, faults, or lack of compliance in not meeting what is viewed by the controller as reasonable expectations.

Pg 41: Now I am more centered on myself, with an inner focus, rather than being focused on him. I am not sacrificing myself by trying to be who he wants me to be, whatever that is; I’m not sure. It may not look from the outside that I have made changes, but on the inside, I am very different in a good way.

12. Control by having an attitude of entitlement: Controllers often think that they are entitled to others’ services, love, and attention.

But it was a lot easier to be sexual with him, than to put up with his moodiness and sarcasm the next several days.

Pg 42: 13. Control by lying, exaggerating, or distorting information: The words “never” and “always” are clues to untruthful or exaggerated statements. Besides taking a superior stance, these communications are used to protect or defend the controller or to make another person feel guilty. These tactics create a lot of unnecessary confusion and drama in a relationship and nothing is accomplished.

Pg 44: 16. Control by keeping the “Relationship Rule Book”: Controllers make the rules and enforce them whenever, however, and wherever they can. They believe that they know what is best for other persons. i.e., The rules were, ‘I am superior, you are inferior, and you are to be subservient and compliant. You need to please me, but I don’t have to please you. I am important by you are not important. I can scold, interrupt and have expectations of you, but you can’t scold, interrupt or have expectations of me. You are to make all the emotional investments in the relationship because that is your responsibility, not mine. You are to dress, act, think, and feel in ways that please me. You need to appreciate me but I don’t need to appreciate you. I am independent.’

Pg 46: 19. Control by non-approval: This critical approach conveys the message, “Regardless of what you do, I know you’ll mess it up some way.”

The fact that I had a right to live by my own standards and not hers was a major, life-changing revelation for me. When I ignored her silence and moodiness and went about my life using my own rules, I was amazed that a bolt of lightning didn’t strike me down. Rather, I felt better.

Pg 92: Controllers are critical of others because they are critical of themselves and compensate by making others feel inferior.

Codependent relationships are “A-frame” relationships, and if one side of the A-frame falls, the other person topples over as well. We try to orchestrate each other’s life at the expense of keeping our own life in order.

Pg 95: Controllers minimize the significance of power differences so that the existing inequalities remain as they are, and the unfairness is not confronted.

Pg 96: To the extent that subordinate people or groups are willing to conform to the standards and expectations of more powerful persons, they are considered to be well adjusted. This requires them to be submissive, compliant, and dependent, which are behaviors that are contrary to all definitions of positive mental health.

Pg 97: It is not uncommon that when women demonstrate their personal power, the outcome is criticism from men and often from other women who view their leadership behaviors as aggressive. This discourages the use of personal power in a direct way. As a result, women often use their power indirectly to get around, under, or over men in order to proceed with a project.

Whenever there is an imbalanced power structure, there is anger, distance, dishonesty, stress, and distance within the relationship.

Pg 98: Many of us can create our own ways of relating and living, rather than behaving as a dominant or a subordinate person…We can surrender our control if we are controlling others and learn ways to confront emotional and mental abuse, rather than enabling it. We can be our won person, functioning in ways that make moral and ethical sense to us.

Pg 103: The down side of the competitive model is that it does not work will in personal relationships.

Pg 105: Males are expected to be dominant and are given societal permission to control, whereas women are expected to be passive, subservient and enable the control.

Pg 146: When I confronted, I did not cry or have angry outbursts. Before, when I lost control of my feelings, I was told I was over-reacting, out-of-control and that I was the problem.

Pg 153: I had no quarrels with anyone and had no other relationship problems other than in my marriage. With growing awareness I started seeing the controlling behaviors that created problems. It became clearer that I couldn’t stop the relationship from continuing to deteriorate. I realized that the problems and the emotional distance in our marriage were not all my fault. I began realizing how he was creating the hassles and then blaming me. I finally started to think my own thoughts, feel my own feelings, have my own opinions, and make choices that were more in line with my values.

Pg 154: Sue shares how she felt that there was something wrong with her:

Not just once did I think this—I thought this for several years! That is what my controller said in sarcastic ways so frequently that I think I was brainwashed. I just kept buying into his statements. I thought I had to have a good enough reason to leave like if he would have an affair or if he would physically abuse me. Sometimes I felt like I was right in the middle of a country western song! Then I started to think that I could survive if I needed to make a change, despite being told I would never make it. The most important thing for me was to understand the ways of control and develop a language for my experience. Part of this understanding was figuring out his one-up, one-down way of thinking and talking.

Pg 155: I now realize that he taught me how to be single because he was never a true emotional partner. Since my relationship began, I was really emotionally single but had the restrictions of marriage. The only time I was lonely and vulnerable in my life was the years I was in an empty marriage and wanting an emotional connection. After I left my marriage, I never felt lonely again, and at fist, this surprised me.

Pg 156: At times, controllers think they are being controlled by those they are controlling because they are experiencing reactive controlling behaviors of the control recipients, such as rebelling and behaving in other ways to upset the controller….They often blame others, refuse to take responsibility for relationship difficulties and seldom acknowledge any weak areas within themselves. Closed minds do not hear, distort what is heard, or reject what is heard as false or unimportant. Controllers often create their own reality, which is saturated with denial, self-protective attitudes, and ways of thinking. Information which is challenging to the controller is rejected. Controllers often stay in denial about their own unacceptable behaviors, which for them are viewed as normal and not abusive.

Pg 157: As a result, attitude and behavior changes are unlikely to happen.

Controlling persons, behind the façade of being emotionless do have emotions and many are very caring. Their emotions include feeling rejected, insecure, confused, and hurt, as well as feeling love and concern for others that may be held within and rarely expressed.

Pg 158: controllers also excuse their inappropriate behaviors by using outside factors, such as drinking too much, having a stressful day, or having to work with incompetent people….Understanding subordinates carries no interest because controllers view them as inferior and not worthy of concern. Dominants fail to ask for input from subordinates, which results in a poor understanding of less powerful persons’ experiences, thoughts, and feelings….Typically, controllers look strong on the outside but have less inner strength than most subordinates. Emotional pain develops inner strength, but by staying in denial and blaming others, controllers can side-step their pain for a considerable length of time….controlling persons have power but may not feel powerful. They may think that they are expected to make the decisions and be a major source of the family income, but do not receive the recognition or appreciation they deserve. They are often shocked when a spouse announces that he or she is leaving. They usually have not heard the previous conversations and confrontations or ignore the indicators that the relationship is at risk. Because of denial, intervention in earlier stages of marital dysfunction is seen as unnecessary to the controller and as a result, the relationship continues to deteriorate.

Pg 159: Other common behaviors of controllers
o Minimal listening, negotiating, and communicating with family members
o Difficulty understanding why people are reactive to their behaviors which they often view as helpful rather than controlling.
o Uses a do-it-my-way approach

Pg 164: Joey talks about his criticizing:

Okay, I criticized her and it probably wasn’t right. But she makes it sound like I am abusing her or something. I’ve never laid a hand on her. But she has turned really cold and uncaring. Sometimes she doesn’t even have supper made when I come home and I get upset. She gets home at 4:30 so should be able to put together something to eat. She always takes care of the kids, but they always come first, and I am sick of it. She’d do anything for them, but if I ask her for one little thing, it’s a big deal. And I let her do anything that she wants to do. I don’t know what is wrong with her—seems like she just doesn’t want to be around me. I hope she gets over her moods.

Pg 170: Levels one and two are ways we communicate to colleagues, supervisors, sales persons, and customers.

For people who are uncomfortable or not interested in talking about feelings, there are ways of ending communications on level three and four. Diverting to a different topic, or using trite phrases such as, “Well, it will be better tomorrow,” or, “You are always too emotional” are ways of shutting down the communication and forcing movement toward more comfortable, unemotional topics such as sports or the weather. Closing off communication is a way of controlling another person by the way we communicate.

Pg 172: A place where men share feelings and are accepted is in Twelve Step recovery meetings. For many men, this is the fist experience of seeing other males self-disclose, share deep feelings, and be emotionally supported by other people.

Pg 173: Most responsible adults want to make their own decisions, rather than being told what to do and will ask for advice when they want feedback or someone’s expertise. They would like their thoughts, likes, dislikes, frustrations, opinions and feelings to be acceptable communication topics, especially when communicating with a significant person.

Pg 175: We may be very effective communicators, but when power structures are unequal, our communication skills are disabled. For dominant people who think in terms of one-up and one-down, speaking is often considered to be the one-up position. When a controller takes a superior position, there is judging, criticizing, minimizing, ridiculing, and offering what are believed to be the right solutions. These controlling behaviors sabotage meaningful conversation.

Pg 177: When we develop an emotional language and use our own voice, we can articulate our experiences, which is self-empowering…When we discover a word to describe the feeling, we can then “pin it down” and make it real to us. Naming the feeling clarifies it. It is no longer eluding us….when we name the feeling, we can then work with the feeling. It is ours. We can take charge and make choices as to what we are going to do with the feeling.

Pg 178: By developing our language and discovering and using our own voice, we are more able to identify the controlling behavior and directly state what we are thinking and feeling. We can speak with clarity when we set limits and state that we are no longer willing to be a recipient of emotional and mental control.

Pg 179: When we are aggressive, we are not respectful of others. Assertiveness is being honest and respectful to both ourselves and others. When we experience controlling behaviors directed toward us, we can make statements clearly, firmly, and directly, such as “No!” or, “What you just said is verbally abusive to me,” or, “Please stop manipulating me with guilt.” It may be a challenge for us to actually communicate these simple statements without taking them back, apologizing for saying them, or feeling guilty because our controller chooses to have hurt feelings when faced with the truth.

The basics of being assertive:
o Communicate in a neutral, middle power position rather than a superior, one-up, aggressive position; or an inferior, one-down, passive position.
o Set a time and place to speak to the controller.
o Rehearse in your mind or write down what needs to be said. You can also think about possible responses by the controller and mentally prepare assertive responses in return.
o Start sentences with “I,” rather than “You,” to avoid blaming statements.
o Speak with truthfulness, firmness, respectfulness, kindness, and in normal tones.
o Listen as well as speak.
o Be specific about the behavior that is offensive to you by speaking directly, rather than expecting the person to “get the drift.”
o Use short sentences when confronting.
o Resist the temptation to end the conversation because of emotional discomfort.
o Stick to the specifics of the current situation rather than bringing up past hurts.
o Repeat the original statement if the other person becomes defensive, starts discounting what is being said, or changes the topic.
o Go slowly and pay attention to what is happening in the communication process.
o Take a time-out if there is the possibility of an eruption of anger.
o Practice calming inner self-talk.
o Being assertive also means affirming others. Thank your controller for listening and for her/his time.

Pg 180: Communication is a process. When there are communication errors the process breaks down. It is like driving a car. When the wheels fall off, or the brakes don’t work, or the engine breaks down, the car is unable to take us to our destination. We automatically stop and repair the car. It is the same with communication. We cannot continue to communicate with a process that is broken down and expect good results. We have to stop and reflect on what needs to be repaired. Did we start attacking each other? Is someone shutting down? Is someone becoming angry? Is our partner not listening? These errors have to be corrected before we continue to share feelings, ideas, or negotiate problems in the relationship.

Pg 181: When communication is abusive, we can tell the controller that we are no longer willing to put up with verbal or mental abuse. At the end of a sentence, we need to drop the level of our voice, which conveys that there is nothing more to talk about. Self-advocacy is using our words and asking for what we need. It is learning to say no when we need to say no, or we can say, “Not now, but I could do it later,” or, “I have plans, so I can’t do that.”

Standing up and advocating for ourselves is likely to be viewed by a controller as being aggressive, selfish, and unappreciative. If we suspect that these accusations will be made, we can be prepared for such statements. We can resolve to not internalize the statements as truth. We can decide whether or not to confront the statements.

Pg 182: Some statements are so off-base, false, and manipulative, that they are not worthy of being heard.
o About silence: there is a type of silence that is created because the controller is taken off-guard and has no response, because he/she is faced with the truth. When this silence happens, do not break the silence in order to make it more comfortable for the controller. This is a learned skill in how not to be a rescuer. Silence can be quite uncomfortable but let it take its course.

Just finished reading McLaren, K. (2010). The Language of emotions: What your feelings are trying to tell you. Boulder, CO: Sounds True. I can’t wait to share my “gleanings” with you. In the meantime, here are some of the thoughts I’ve come across:

Pg 84: Distraction and dissociation can give us a blessed vacation from suffering, but if they become habits, they will make us incapable of dealing masterfully with that suffering….If you use any addictive, distracting, or dissociative practices, you don’t need to feel ashamed of yourself or quit cold turkey, but you should know what you’re doing with your distraction of choice and why you’re doing it. Bless yourself for keeping your life going in any way you could, and turn your awareness toward your addictions and distractions; they can pinpoint the areas where you’re most in need of support.

Pg 86: Let’s look at a real-life experience with a baby who won’t stop crying, no matter what we do. It’s hard to be there with all the noise and unhappiness. We make soothing sounds and try to alleviate the distress. We check for binding clothes, wet diapers, hunger or thirst, but the crying increases with the baby’s frustration. We shush the baby, we rock her, but she keeps crying, so we try to make her laugh. We find a toy. We get Mr. Bunny and make him do a dance. “Look at Mr. Bunny! Mr. Bunny hops on his head! Mr. Bunny’s funny! Let’s laugh with Mr. Bunny!” When the baby finally begins to laugh, we feel much better. Whatever was bothering the baby, well, that’s forgotten now, thank goodness. We have peace, and that’s what matters, right? However, what if we could say to the baby, “You feel really sad. Things are hard right now.” Usually, the baby will stop crying much faster if we just let her feel, if we just support her in the way she feels at that moment. I’ve found that even very young babies, if you support their feelings, will be able to calm themselves or make some movement toward the source of their problem. Crying can move discomfort into conscious awareness, even in young babies, and from that place of awareness, even young babies can communicate their true needs.

If we get in the way with jostling and distractions, the crying will probably stop, but the baby will have missed an important growth experience. She won’t have been able to let her feelings tell her what’s wrong, and she won’t have been able to make a conscious connection between her discomfort and an important issue inside her. What’s worse, we won’t have helped her strengthen her connection to her own water element, which means we’ll move further from our own water element as well. When we wave Mr. Bunny around, we stifle awareness in others, but we also dim our own awareness and become less able to deal with life as it is.

Unfortunately, that’s how we’ve set up our lives and our culture. If there’s trouble or pain somewhere we rarely sit with it and honor its truth. We rarely support the emotions or follow them from imbalance to understanding to resolution. Instead, we bring our some form of Mr. Bunny and terminate our discomfort. But in so doing, we multiply it into suffering that hurls us right out of our psyches. We don’t honor the discomfort or the trouble; we just distract the baby inside. We learn in this culture, form our earliest moments, that discomfort must not be allowed to run its course or inform us in any way – that anything is better than discomfort. Young or old, rich or poor, we all rely on distraction and avoidance as a matter of course; it’s the defining movement in our training and in our culture.

Pg 88: Distractions, addictions, and avoidance behaviors have become the norm at every possible level of our culture…the difficulty isn’t in breaking the specific habit or detoxifying from certain chemicals; it is in making a movement that is so very atypical….our culture-wide refusal to deal with discomfort has dropped all of us into suffering.

Pg 89: Our lust for distraction does not spring from the fountains of human knowledge; it comes directly from the heart of unhealed trauma….There is unparalleled information in the heart of trauma, not just from those of us who survived assault or abuse, but for our culture as a whole….there hasn’t been serious sociological or anthropological study of the effects traumatized people have on their culture….unrelieved trauma (especially in childhood) impacts our society at every level. How can we know that the vast majority of prostitutes, convicts, mental patients, addicts, and alcoholics survived childhood trauma without understanding that this mass of tortured humanity is trying to show us that trauma has an enormous influence on individuals, and through them, on our entire culture? Each one of us is intimately connected to trauma, either in our own lives or through the people closest to us…the behavior of the traumatized half of our population has a direct impact on how our society functions at every possible level.

Pg 92: Traditional therapy is often useful in addressing the mental and emotional components of trauma, but it can be less successful in addressing the boundary damage and the tendency toward dissociation. …the damage that results from any kind of trauma – molestation, beatings, emotional cruelty, painful surgeries or hospitalizations, or even frightening dental work – is remarkably similar and remarkably common. I had to expand my understanding of trauma to include the vast population of dissociated, emotionally disconnected, and mentally overwrought people I began to see.

Pg 93: I also saw that trauma survivors tend to affect the people around them; they tended to create an atmosphere that provoked dissociation and avoidance behaviors in their circle of friends and family. Some trauma survivors did this by unconsciously visiting traumas (emotional or physical) on the people around them, but some did it merely by being emotionally unavailable in their relationships (which sent the people around them into discomfort and avoidance behaviors). I saw that dissociated and distracted people tended not to support integration and awareness in the people around them; they often created a ripple effect of distraction and unconsciousness in their environments.

An example of this ripple effect can be seen in early scholastic environments, where children who are learning to shut down their empathy (which requires powerful avoidance behaviors) are driven to create an emotionally dangerous environment of ridicule and threats….traumatic and dissociative behaviors are almost always contagious….Dissociated people often have poor boundaries, and they tend not to be aware of boundaries in others, which makes them somewhat hazardous, emotionally and socially.

Pg 96: Remember that “suffering ceases to be suffering as soon as we’ve formed a clear and precise picture of it.”

Pg 97: Because repressers avoid, distract, and dissociate as a matter of course, they destabilize their own lives and the lives of the people around them. Repressers don’t support consciousness inside themselves; consequently, their lives and relationships tend not to support full consciousness either.

We run away from the sensations in our bodies that ask us to viscerally feel the trauma again because we don’t understand that certain aspects of traumatic flashbacks can heal us (but only if we approach them in the correct way).

Pg 98: The third response to trauma is to channel it from within an awakened psyche, to enter it consciously, to dive into the emotions, the thoughts, the visions, and the sensations – and to turn the trauma on its ear.

I had already seen firsthand that the lingering symptoms of trauma could indeed be healed with dissociation was understood as a rupture between body and spirit.

Pg 99: In response to this nearly universal trouble in the psyche, humans have for many centuries nurtured religious doctrines, spiritual teachings, scholastic systems, medical and psychological modalities, and socialization structures that, in essence, support and encourage dissociation, distraction, imbalance, and emotional illiteracy. The separation between body and spirit, the overemphasis on small parts of the intellect and the dishonoring of the emotions, these behaviors and mindsets aren’t restricted to one culture or one set of doctrines. Severe intrapersonal resourcelessness and the inability to restore focus and health after traumatic incidents exist throughout most world cultures.

I’ve finished reading The Highly Sensitive Person, and can’t recommend it highly enough for anyone–especially people who have felt overly sensitive at times.  I’m pasting in something of particular interest to me below, but for a more in-depth set of gleanings, go to The Highly Sensitive Person, or  read the book for yourself!

Pg 43:  Why the Infant/Body Self?

Think of what the infant and the body have in common.  First, both are wonderfully content and cooperative when they are not overstimulated, worn out, and hungry.  Second, when babies and sensitive bodies really are exhausted, both are largely helpless to correct things on their own.  The baby-you relied on a caretaker to set limits and satisfy your simple, basic needs, and your body relies on you to do it now.  Both also cannot use words to explain their troubles; they can only give louder and louder signals for help or develop a symptom so serious it cannot be ignored.  The wise caretaker knows that much woe is avoided by responding to the infant/body at the first sign of distress.  Finally, as we noted in the last chapter, caretakers who think newborn babies or bodies can be spoiled and should be “left to cry” are wrong.  Research demonstrates that if a small infant’s crying is responded to promptly (except at those times when responding just adds to the overstimulation), that infant will cry less, not more, when older.

Pg 45:  (those HSPs who grew up feeling securely attached…had good resources and could handle overstimulation fairly well)  Eventually, you learned to do for yourself what your good caretakers had been doing for you…You found that your body was a friend to trust.  At the same time, you were learning that you had a special body, a sensitive nervous system.  But you could handle things by learning when to push yourself a little, when to take your time, when to back off entirely, when to rest and try later….Those of you with an insecure childhood also need to face it so that you can be more patient with yourself.  Most important, you need to know what was not done so you can be a different sort of parent to your infant/body.

Pg 46:  When holding is not adequate, when the infant/body is intruded upon or neglected—or worse, abused—stimulation is too intense for the infant/body self.  Its only recourse is to stop being conscious and present, thereby developing a habit of “dissociating” as a defense.  Overstimulation at this age also interrupts self-development.  All energy must be directed toward keeping the world from intruding.  The whole world is dangerous.

Pg 47:  Perhaps you had an overprotective, needy caretaker who really wanted a child very dependent and never able to leave.

Pg 51:  It may help to consider your behavior from the viewpoint of your infant/body.  If it wants to try new things but is afraid, you need to help it, not reinforce the fear.  Otherwise, you are telling it that it really is all wrong about its desires, that it is not fit to survive out there.  That is a crippling message to give a child.  You’ll want to think long and hard about who gave you this feeling in childhood, and why, rather than helping you get out and learn to do things your way.

Pg 58:  When witnessing, imagine standing to one side, watching yourself, perhaps talking about yourself with a comforting imaginary figure.  “There’s Ann again, so overwhelmed she’s falling to pieces.  I really feel for her.  When she’s like this, of course, she can’t see beyond right now.  Tomorrow, when she’s rested, she’ll be all excited again about her work.  She just has to take some rest now no matter what seems to need to be done.  Once she’s rested, it will go smoothly.”

Pg 60:  The Containers in Your Life

Another way to understand all of this advice is to remember how we began this chapter, by appreciating that your infant/body’s earliest and still most basic need is to be held and protected from overstimulation.  On that strong basis, you can go out and explore, feeling secure about that safe harbor of the good caretaker’s arms.

Pg 62:  The Infant/Body’s Message

1)      Please don’t make me handle more than I can.  I am helpless when you do this, and I hurt all over.  Please, please, protect me.

2)      I was born this way and can’t change.  I know you sometimes think something awful must have made me this way, or at least made me “worse,” but that ought to give you even more sympathy for me.  Because either way I can’t help it.  Either way, don’t blame me for how I am.

3)      What I am is wonderful—I let you sense and feel so much more deeply.  I am really one of the best things about you.

4)      Check in on me often and take care of me right at that moment if you possibly can.  Then, when you can’t, I can trust that you are at least trying and I won’t have long to wait.

5)      If you must make me wait for my rest, please ask me nicely if it’s okay.  I’m only more miserable and troublesome if you get angry and try to force me.

6)      Don’t listen to all the people who say you spoil me.  You know me.  You decide.  Yes, sometimes I might do better left alone to cry myself to sleep.  But trust your intuition.  Sometimes you know I am too upset to be left alone.  I do need a pretty attentive, regular routine. But I’m not easily spoiled.

7)      When I’m exhausted, I need sleep.  Even when I seem totally wide awake.  A regular schedule and a calm routine before bed are important to me.  Otherwise, I will lie awake in bed all stirred up for hours.  I need a lot of time in bed, even if I’m lying awake.  I may need it in the middle of the day, too.  Please let me have it.

8)      Get to know me better.  For example, noisy restaurants seem silly to me—how can anybody eat in them?  I have a lot of feelings about such things.

9)      Keep my toys simple and my life uncomplicated.  Don’t take me to more than ne party in a week.

10)  I might get used to anything in time, but I don’t do well with a lot of sudden change.  Please plan for that, even if the others with you can take it and you don’t want to be a drag.  Let me go slow.

11)  But I don’t want you to coddle me.  I especially don’t want you to think of me as sick or weak.  I’m wonderfully clever and strong, in my way.  I certainly don’t want you hovering over me, worried about me all day.  Or making a lot of excuses for me.  I don’t want to be seen as a nuisance, to you or to others.  Above all, I count on you, the grown-up, to figure out how to do all of this.

12)  Please don’t ignore me.  Love me!

13)  And like me.  As I am.